Regret

Tonight was probably the worst night of our married life. We went out to dinner to celebrate Wendel's birthday (late) and fought before, during, and after. It ended badly. I have a headache and I'm exhausted. I've been listening to Allie Casazza's course, Your Uncluttered Home, for the past few hours. It is one of the things we fought about but in the end, I ended up purchasing it (not cheap) because I feel like I'm at a place where I'm stuck with our home. Nothing I do makes a difference and I cannot get on top of it. I hate living in clutter and chaos all of the time. It's overwhelming, frustrating, exhausting, restricting, discouraging, and I don't like the feelings it produces in our home. Something has to change. Wendel isn't convinced this is the thing that will help. I am hopeful it is. This isn't the only thing we fought about though. There were lots of things - things we didn't realize were bothering us until we said (or rather, shouted) them out loud. Near the end of our argument, as we were turning into our neighborhood, I was so upset, frustrated, and discouraged, I threw his phone on the dashboard and shouted, "I wish I hadn't married you!" I think I was just as shocked as he was to hear those words. Because they aren't true. Life is hard and overwhelming but I have always been able to stay positive and hopeful. Tonight I didn't feel either of those things. I felt fear and despair. Heartache and anger. My words were a knee-jerk reaction to the hurt I was feeling. I tried to explain this but I know if he said those words to me, I would not be able to forget them. We both cried and then I suggested we pray. I prayed out loud while we held hands and then he went into the house and I took the babysitter home. We haven't spoken since. We both need sleep and time. We both said incredibly hurtful things that make my stomach turn. I want to go to marriage therapy but he does not. I don't know where to go from here but I know I need sleep right now. I just needed to write and process a bit first.

Can't sleep

I can't sleep, which is ironic because I need sleep so badly. I went to bed early (9:30) because I was exhausted and felt like I might feel a cold coming on. Norah woke me up at 11 something with a night terror. After that, I laid in bed for about an hour and a half or so and could not fall back asleep - so frustrating! So now I am downstairs, eating leftover Vegan Korma and creamed dried corn (both are so delicious) from our Thanksgiving celebration with Dad and my side of the family today.

I think I'm worried about a few things and that's why I can't sleep. I know it doesn't do any good to worry and is actually detrimental to my health so maybe if I write it down I will be able to stop worrying and go to sleep.

1. I'm worried about Oliver. We have a big decision to make. Last week, his doctor at The Melmed Center prescribed Riatlin. Our initial reaction is definitely no. His doctor said she recommends this one because it is a stimulant and she said stimulants have been around longer than non-stimulants so doctors know more about them. She said she would give a stimulant to her child over a non-stimulant for this reason. She said Oliver wouldn't have to build up to it so we would know right away if it works and if not, we can take him off of it immediately. From my research, here is what I've gathered about meds for ADHD so far.

Pros

• "Methylphenidate (Ritalin) works in the treatment of ADHD by increasing attention and decreasing restlessness in children and adults who are overactive, cannot concentrate for very long, or are easily distracted and impulsive. This medicine is used as part of a total treatment program that also includes social, educational, and psychological treatment." [https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/methylphenidate-oral-route/description/drg-20068297] 
• I read numerous testimonials in the Facebook support group I am a part of about meds (in general, not specifically Ritalin) helping kids with ADHD. Many parents testified their kids were like different children (in a good way) after starting. They went from Bs and Cs to As, they had more friends, they had more confidence, they could focus, etc. 
• I have heard several times that research shows kids who aren't medicated when they are young are at higher risk for self-medicating when they are older (drugs, alcohol, etc). I think this is what happened with my sister, Lindsey. (She has ADD and was not medicated as a child.)

Cons

• The side effects. These are the common ones: 
• trouble sleeping

• loss of appetite
• dry mouth
• anxiety
• increased heart rate
• irritability
• headache
• dizziness

Among the more serious side effects are psychosis, heart rhythm problems, addiction, Rynaud's Syndrome and slowed growth. 

• Some parents in the FB support group said it changed their children for the worse. 
• Permanent changes in the brain. (Mayo clinic)

We don't even have an official diagnosis but Oliver's doctor said it's a "working diagnosis" and she believes he does have ADHD. His teacher eval this year indicated it other than one area (focus, I think) being one point below the cut off.

Written for our day

I was just reading in the Book of Mormon and read this verse, which hit me like a ton of bricks:

"And it came to pass that I was overcome because of my afflictions, for I considered that mine afflictions were great above all, because of the destruction of my people, for I had beheld their fall. And it came to pass that after I had received strength I spake unto my brethern, desiring to know of them the cause of their disputations." 1 Nephi 15:5-6

Prior to reading from the Book of Mormon today, I prayed for guidance, that the Spirit would speak to my heart and that I would know whom I could help. This verse definitely is guidance for me and I feel that it is from the Spirit speaking to my heart and me being open to receive it. 

These verses are such a great parenting teaching tool. When things are hard and overwhelming and my boys are disputing with each other, I should speak to them about their disputes after I receive strength. For me, that means after I pray. Saying a quick prayer and taking some deep breaths before I respond can be a big game changer to help me respond calmly and lovingly, to be patient and understanding, rather than frustrated and upset. 

I testify that the scriptures really are written for our day. They are so applicable to our lives. As I read from them, I am lifted up and strengthened. As I start my day with reading even just a chapter, my day goes smoother and an eternal perspective is close in my mind. The Spirit is with me. 

A New Approach

I have so much to share. We met with the behavioral coach a couple of weeks ago. It was so disappointing. She told us we need to be "more strict" and "consistent" (We already are very consistent and people don't get that being more strict does nothing to change behavior but does hurt relationships, self-esteem and brings more contention into our home.).We tried expressing concerns but she seemed to stick to a script and no really listen or sympathize. I brought up my concerns about Oliver saying recently that he wants to kill himself because no one understands how hard it is to control his anger. He told me this twice in one evening through tears. The B.C. told me it's just for attention and to completely ignore it. She said she's more worried about him hurting someone else in our house. I do agree that is probably true but I don't think ignoring it is the best approach. She told us Oliver is manipulating us and that he is the way he is and that can't be changed. She told us to "withhold love" when we see negative behavior and their behavior will change. Wendel and I don't agree with this at all. We went on a date that night and talked about this. We both felt there had to be some other way to help our boys. I brought up Dr. Ross Greene's book, "The Explosive Child," which I'm reading and has really resonated with me and Wendel suggested we look him up and see if we could schedule a phone conference with him - buy his time to learn from him. When we looked him up we found out he was putting on a children's mental health conference (the following week! In Boston!). We decided after the thousands of dollars we've spent on therapy, doctors, workshops, etc. that hasn't worked at all, we would be better off investing in people who resonate with us. (We also saw Tina Payne Bryson would be presenting and her book, "The Whole Brain Child" is another one that has really resonated with and helped me a lot, especially with Josh.) We decided it was worth dipping into our savings for. We were (miraculously) able to arrange childcare for four days (thanks to Sarah and Steven Chasten in our ward, who only have one baby girl, and who recently moved here from Boston themselves) and suddenly we were purchasing conference tickets and plane tickets. It. was. amazing. I loved soaking in relevant information at the conference and being surrounded by like-minded people. (It was geared towards teachers but still very relevant and helpful for parents.) I loved getting away with Wendel to have 1:1 time with him. I loved eating good food and sleeping through the night and reading a novel and recharging our batteries. We haven't done anything like this since we went to Hawaii five years ago (other than an occasional overnight hotel stay, but even that was a few years ago). It was so needed and so wonderful. As an added bonus, when we came back, our kids seemed to appreciate us more (Josh knocked me over when he ran and hugged me and Oliver told me, "Mom, you're the best mom in the world." Norah gave me the sweetest hugs and kisses.) We also felt more patient and more unified in our approach with our kids. Win / win. I wish we could make it a regular thing. Maybe in the future we will be able to.

I am typing the notes I wrote so the messages will sink in more.

Tina Payne Bryson 

• Teach  your kids empathy. (Ie. If you encounter a rude waitress, say, "I wonder if she's having a hard day?")
• Integrate left and right sides of the brain - "connect and then redirect behavior." 

Left Brain

Logic

Linear

Linguistic

Literal

Letter of law

Right Brian 

Senses emotion

Random

Non verbal

Whole picture context

Senses body information 

Connect with right brain [soothe] (touch, tone of touch, facial expressions, empathy, pausing) and then redirect with the left brain [solve] (solutions, words, planning, logical explanations, boundaries). 

• Teach kids about their brains. Make a brain model by making a fist. The lower part "the downstairs" houses big feelings and actions. The high part "the upstairs" houses calm and kindness. Help kids understand how to make connections between the two.
  
• The middle prefrontal cortex regulates the body, emotions, decision making, impulse control, empathy, flexibility, personal insight, overcoming fear, intuition and morality. All of these are outcomes of secure attachment (except the last two). Mindfulness can help develop and change this part of the brain. 
• The Whole Brain / no drama way: intentional, looking beyond behavior / keep teaching in mind, skill-building, relationship driven, regulation over compliance (regulation leads to changes in behavior). Discipline = teaching (skill building). 
• Behavior is communication. 
• Change perspectives from: discipline problems / managing materials / blurting out / controlling anger, etc. to skills the child needs to build. 
• Look at Dr. Thompson's "Normal, Social Pain" (http://michaelthompson-phd.com/books/mom-theyre-teasing-me/) 
• What is the purpose / meaning behind behavior? Chase the why. Problem behavior may be the child's best adaption (ie. trying to fit in with peers - says potty words with peers in the library). *Doesn't believe in ODD - it is a stress response. ODD is the child's best adaption.
• The brain is either receptive or reactive (Dan Seagal: window of tolerance). 
• Discipline: is what I'm doing counterproductive? Skill-building? 
• Ie. A child who is playing on their phone instead of doing homework. "I can see you're having a hard time focusing with the phone in your room. I'm going to hold onto it until you can get your homework done.")
• Toxic stress patterns - stress responses that are: too frequent, too quick, too intense, too long (more than 20-30 minutes).
• Co-regulation: communicate "You're going to be okay. I'm right here with you."
• Short-term goal: balance, long-term goal: resilance
• We have to give kids a chance to handle things with support. 
• Example: A child wanted to stay up late watching a show with his brothers. When he needed to go to bed, he cried and didn't want to go to bed, was overtired, etc. Instead of saying, "I gave you an extra 30 minutes and now you're acting like this. Next time I won't do that" connect with the child. "It's so disappointing. You really wanted to spend more time with your brothers. I'm right here with you." 
• When a child is upset / raging / not thinking clearly: 1. Try to get below eye level in a relaxed posture (legs crossed, lean back on arms, etc). [This is a strategic posture to deregulate the nervous system.] 2. Use empathy. "I can see you're really mad right now." 
• Does the child feel safe, seen, soothed and secure? ------> Connected and protective. Secure base to explore the world. 
• Experience changes the brain. Relationships are one of the most powerful tools.

Teaching the Developing Brain

• Siblings fighting and one hurt the other. 1. Comfort the hurt child. 2. 1:1 with the perpetrator - not with the other child present. Don't: why did you hit? You need to say sorry. Take away a playdate. Hit them. Do: "You're really upset right now. What's going on? That's really frustrating. I would be mad too." The child then feels bad on their own and doesn't direct it to you. "I can see you feel bad for hitting. In our family, everyone has to feel safe. What did your body feel like when you were mad?" Comfort, connect, regulate, connective dialogue. Now the child is in the "green zone" (mindset for redirection, as opposed to the red zone (too fast) or the blue zone (too slow)). 
• Attachment - go to caregiver when in distress. 
• Disorganized attachment in childhood -------> #1 predictor of psychotic behavior in adulthood. A child who experiences a lot of shame ------> higher predictor for mood disorders later in life. 
• Yes brain - open and receptive, no brain - shut down
• Look at Jerome Kagen's work on temperment - balancing pushin and coushin. 
• What causes lots of reactivity / toxic stress in the brain? 

• Faulty neurosensing - feel anxiety when there is no threat. (I see this in Oliver - anxiety levels rise when it's too loud and he's trying to do homework, for example). Occupational Therapy can help. www.spdstar.org (Josh)
• Look at Kaiser - ACES 
• "Resliance - not always calm but learn to ride the waves." Louisa May Alcott
• themomentousinstitue.org - changing the odds 

It's working!!!

Just a quick note to document that today I listened to a podcast with Dr. Tina Bryson while I was doing the dishes (the babes were napping and Wendel took the three older kids to lunch). It resonated with me so much. It sunk in even more. I was loving every minute of it and soaking it all in. Then the kids came home and gave me lots of opportunities all day long to practice what I had learned. And it worked, over and over again, to bring the kids from the red zone to the green zone before things escalated out of control.

There was one incident where I went into the front yard for a minute to say goodbye to Wendel when he left for work and when I came back inside, Josh was on the stairs crying. He had spilled his milkshake all over the carpet and had woken the babies from their naps by going into their room to look for me. He was curled up in a ball on the stairs crying. As I approached him, he sobbed harder. "No! I don't want to lose my family movie treat tonight! I don't want a consequence." My main goal was to get him from the red zone back into the green zone. I positioned myself lower than him on the stairs and talked in a calm, soothing voice. "Hey, Josh, you're not in trouble Buddy. It was an accident. I understand." "But I made a mess on the carpet and woke up the babies! I'm in big trouble!" "No you're not. You're not in trouble. Accidents happen." He stopped crying and looked at me. I could tell he was confused but also relieved. He was back in the green zone. "We do still need to clean up the mess so it doesn't ruin the carpet. Would you like me to help you clean it up?" "Yeah." "Okay. The first step is getting the paper towels. Could you bring a roll of paper towels in here for me?" He brought it in. Together we sopped up the milkshake and kept blotting until nothing was visible. "The second step is to spray the carpet cleaner on the carpet." He enjoyed that part. "Then we need to blot spray." "Mama, it's all clean!" he exclaimed. "Good job Josh! Thanks for your help." I then talked with him about how it's very important not to go into the babies' room. "But I didn't know where you were!" I told him he needs to look for me in lots of other places before checking in there (and listed them all out) and if he does check there last, to whisper my name first. He said he would do it and gave me a hug. I was still able to get the messages across that I wanted to, the mess still got cleaned up, and we felt connected and happy in the green zone. I was also able to use this approach with Oliver and Norah a few times and to diffuse fighting when it began to escalate. I love this approach and I love that it is actually working (when nothing has for years). It feels like a Godsend and I'm so grateful.

Josh told me several times today that he loves me, including a cute knock knock joke. "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "I" "I who?" "I love you." (He made it up and I love it.) He also told me I'm the best mom in the world and hugged me several times. To me this communicates that he felt heard, his feelings were validated and he felt connected to me.

I'm feeling something I haven't really, truly felt in this aspect of my life in a long time: Hope.

Judgement

I have stepped into my laundry room (with my laptop on the washing machine) to quickly type this post because the twins are at a very clingy age where if they see me, they cry and want to be held, but if I'm not in the room, they're fine. They are teething so I think that contributes. I only have a little bit of time before going to get Eleanor from preschool so I will be brief.

Yesterday evening Wendel's mom came over to bring the kids a play garbage truck she found at Goodwill (their obsession). It was around 5:45 / 6:00 when she got here. This is a rough time of day for the kids. The boys are done mentally from being at school all day. They have very little control of their emotions at this point. Eleanor is done because she doesn't nap anymore and she is so tired by this point. The twins as well. Josh was having an especially hard day. Oliver was teasing him a little and Josh went ballistic. He was screaming as loudly as he could, kicking things around the house, would not calm down, etc. He had been in his room for time out and just got out right before Linda came over. The boys started fighting (verbally) and it got pretty intense. I firmly told them they needed to stop and they would have a consequence. It continued. I asked Oliver to go into the other room. He would not. I only used words at this point to redirect. Linda seemed shocked at their behavior and said to me, "You really need to be harder on these kids." That, of course, made me feel terrible, like their behavior is my fault. "If I were the mother in this situation, I would grab Josh by the arm and make him sit in time out." I told her he was just in time out before she came and that when he is this upset, he will not stay in time out. He will be aggressive an spiral out of control. I told her we've tried everything - I have even spanked them in the past and it does not work at all (though only a few times and I don't agree with that method of disciplining). She then continued to say, "I'm glad I don't have to deal with this stuff anymore. I'm glad that's in the past for me." Again, not helpful. Josh continued to get more worked up and angry so I asked him if he wanted to walk to his room or if he wanted me to carry him. He yelled that he wouldn't go so I picked him up and carry him, with him hitting me as I walked. I could feel the judgement as I walked away with him. I struggled to make it to his room because he was using his whole body weight to thrash against me and was screaming as loudly as he could. I got us both into his bedroom and sat on the floor with my back against his door so he couldn't open it. This made him more angry. He punched me in the shoulder and rammed his body against mine. I knew he was using the reptile part of his brain and could not be reasoned with. I continued to talk in a calm voice and told him that he was welcome to come out of his room when his voice was calm like mine. I did not get sucked into a power struggle. I did not yell or use aggression. I tried hugging him a few times or holding him tightly but he wouldn't have it. After about 10 minutes or so of him trying to fight against me and get free, he laid on the ground and sobbed in defeat. I gave him a couple of minutes to do that and then tried to change his mindset. I said, "Hey Josh, do you know the actions to 'Once There was a Snowman'? Do you want to sing that one with me or a different song?" He said, "That one." So we both stood up and did the actions together while we sang. We ended up on the floor, laughing at the silliness. Then I asked him if I could give him a hug and he said yes. Then he laid his head on my lap and I tickled his back for a minute. At this point, I talked with him about his behavior (*Connect and redirect* - something I learned from the book "The Whole Brain Child.") and that it's okay to be angry but it isn't okay to scream at people, hit, or kick things around the room. He said he was sorry and that he did it because Oliver was teasing him. We talked about what he could do instead. I then had him go downstairs and apologize to Linda and Oliver. A few minutes later, Josh was angry about something else and raised his voice again. Linda said to him, "Josh, you're being a very naughty boy. Very, very naughty." I knew this wouldn't go over well. Josh yelled, "WELL, I DON'T CARE IF I'M NAUGHTY!!!" "Well, you should care." "WELL, I DON'T!" "Well, Heavenly Father cares." "WELL, I DON'T!" I didn't appreciate that she called him naughty or that she tried to guilt him into changing his behavior because I know these things don't work. But I also know that it takes time to learn these lessons and I am in the thick of it every day and that people just don't understand so I can't hold that against them. And yet it is still hurtful and challenging. And I feel judged all the time. By so many people. And that's really challenging.

We had the intake with the therapist in our home last Wednesday and should be getting a call from the Behavior Coach any day to get that going. Wendel is going out of town for work for a month on Sunday and I'm nervous about that but hopeful that we'll make it okay and I won't lose it. Some women from the ward are going to help me in the evenings, which I am very grateful for.

Gotta run to get Norah now.

An update

School started about a month ago, so that's good. Josh loves Kindergarten and learning Spanish. He has come to terms with the toilet in his classroom, thanks to Wendel working him through it on Meet-the-Teacher night, so there aren't any issues there (he has a fear of most toilets). Oliver seems to like school okay but feels like 3rd Grade is a lot harder than 2nd. He has already had two refocus sheets (for not paying attention, talking in class, playing with his pencil, arguing with an adult, etc). Mornings are difficult because the boys have to get up at 5:45 to make the bus that comes at 6:22. Josh especially struggles with being able to focus and move quickly to complete the tasks necessary to get out the door. It was really hard the first couple of weeks (both boys were grounded for one week from playing with friends because they would not follow directions and missed the bus as a result) but now it's going better. Oliver often gets up on his own and Josh will move a little faster if I'm sitting in his room with him while he gets dressed. Afternoons can be very challenging as well. Usually Josh is in a pretty good mood when he gets off of the bus (he's often the first one off and runs to me and hugs me) but sometimes he's not. Oliver is usually grumpy. The minute they get into the car, or sometimes before, the boys start fighting - teasing, pushing, yelling, blaming, annoyed with each other, etc. It mostly continues that way until bedtime, which is really hard for me.

I really think Josh has ADHD. His doctor is monitoring him for it but wants to see if it manifests at school before she diagnoses him. Both of his preschool teachers expressed concerns about it and it is very apparent here at home. We see difficulty focusing, not sitting in his chair at dinner (he stands on the bar at the bottom of the chair and rocks the chair), he often can't remember what task he was assigned a minute prior, he has difficulty controlling his emotions (especially anger - he explodes instantaneously), he repeats a lot of the same behaviors over again, even though those behaviors have yielded negative results in the past, etc.

While we have seen some improvement with Oliver's behavior, it feels like one step forward and two steps back. We constantly feel frustrated, discouraged and like we are failing him. There is a little bit of hope though. We are going to start in-home behavior coaching. The people at this agency all have first hand experience with special needs kids and our behavioral coach has a degree in Special Education. She has worked with ODD and ADHD kids before. I need this to work. Holding onto this hope.

So ready.

Summer Camp has ended, basketball has ended, and now there are two weeks of summer left before school starts. The boys fight SO MUCH. The days are difficult. I feel like my energy is so drained by the end of the day after listening to constant fighting, tattling, potty words, emotional meltdowns, not listening, asking over and over, etc. Life feels really hard right now in that regard. We've had some fun times this summer, including Sunsplash as a family earlier this week, but I'm definitely ready for school to start. Bring it on.

Welcoming the Holy Ghost in Our Home

It is 12:10am and I really, really need to be asleep. But quickly before I go to bed, I want to share an experience that happened today so I don't forget. While Oliver's behavior has improved greatly, he and Josh still fight all the time and this afternoon was especially bad. At one point, I had to go upstairs for some reason and went into Eleanor's room to get something. I had the thought that I hadn't really prayed today so I sat down in her rocking chair and began praying out loud. One thing I said was that I was concerned about the Spirit being present in our home with so much contention. I immediately had the thought, "Teach them." I closed the prayer, went downstairs, and asked Oliver, Josh and Eleanor to join me on the living room floor. We sat in a circle and held hands. I told them that I had just been praying and that one thing I told Heavenly Father I was worried about is that the Holy Ghost might not want to be in our home because there is so much fighting. I told the kids it is so important that the Holy Ghost feels welcome in our home because we need His help so much. I asked him what the Holy Ghost can help us with. Either Oliver or Josh said he can comfort us. We talked about how important it is that we have that comfort. I told them He can also warn us of danger, guide us, protect us, and many other things. I asked them if they would try to get along so the Holy Ghost will feel welcome and they said yes. There was still contention later that continued until they were in bed, falling asleep, but I feel grateful for that inspiration, which I think hit home with them.

Looking Up

We have seen some progress with Oliver lately. He is a little more mature, not quite as impulsive (though definitely still somewhat), doesn't blame as often, is more quick to apologize, etc. We started him on medication, Guanfacine, about a month ago. It wasn't an easy decision to make. This is the most mild option with the least amount of side effects. The medication was designed as a blood pressure medication but has a side effect of being calming. I have to say I felt peace about going forward with it when I prayed about it or we wouldn't have. Still, I feel bad when I see how tired he was as he was adjusting to it and how his stomach and head hurts sometimes. But I'm seeing an improvement in his behavior overall (There are still some really intense, rough times, but he seems to recover faster and apologizes more sincerely after: "Mom, I'm really sorry. It wasn't your fault at all. I just lost control of my emotions." - mouth dropping open..). Overall, I'm feeling pretty good about going into summer in a week (which has not been the case in years past). Things are looking up.

Feeling helpless

Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I didn't go to bed until about 1:00 am and then tossed and turned, unable to stop thinking about Oliver.

Finding joy along the way

It's almost midnight and I have a cough that won't go away so I need to get to bed. I stayed up late, alone, to watch a movie and have some "me" time, which is such a luxury. I probably should have gone to bed early instead.

I just wanted to express how hard it is to have 1:1 time with our children when there are five of them. I could do it with three but now it's so much more difficult. I got a little 1:1 time with Nathan last night because he was up late due to napping late. I played with him and made him laugh and it was so fun. He let me rock him to sleep (not usual but he has an ear infection) and I just savored that time with him. I picked Oliver up from the bus while Taylor was here with the other kids and quickly ran him through a drive thru for ice cream and chatted with him about school on the way. I patched Eleanor's eye and chatted with her about Butterfly Wonderland (which we visited yesterday with Josh's preschool class fieldtrip) and then spun her in circles and tickled her. I made Josh laugh tonight and told him that he's my "garbage hero" when he emptied all of the garbage cans in the house today. I gave the babies lots of kisses and hugs and sang them personalized songs throughout the day. I'm trying to connect with each of them, and with Wendel, and keep everyone organized and keep up with the house, etc. It's a lot, for sure. When I think of how crazy it is and how hard it is to keep up, when I see moms with two kids (by choice) look at me like I'm crazy for having five (that happened twice this week - two different mom friends of mine), when I feel like I'm drowning or I doubt myself or wonder if I'm failing them and how we'll make it, I think about the strong promptings I had about the babies. That our family wasn't complete. And how perfectly they have completed our family. It is hard, yes. It is messy and not graceful. But we are doing it. And there's a lot of joy along the way.

A little bit of hope

We started marriage counseling this week. I suggested it. Wendel really did not want to do it and felt that it was a personal attack that I even brought it up. I have brought it up a couple of times over the past couple of years but never pushed for it - only after a big disagreement and just in passing. This time I pushed for it but with the argument that I want us to work on our communication (neither of us have a good example of this to look to with our parents) and make sure we're focusing on us so we can be strong for our family. He agreed to do it, though not thrilled. I felt a lot better after we left the therapist's office. I feel like this could help, at least help me vent about the stressors in our family and bounce it off of a neutral person. It gives me a little bit of hope.

Crisis Mode

Life has never been harder or more stressful than it is now. It scares me because I feel like we can't pull out of it and may not ever be able to. The stress from our children's struggles weighs heavily in our home and on my heart and mind constantly. It is now affecting our marriage in a way that it hasn't in the past. We are taking our stress out on each other and then get easily offended and hurt by it and don't feel connected or communicate as well as we used to and it all seems so incredibly overwhelming and difficult. And tonight I screamed at Oliver at dinner time (the WORST time of the day). Wendel was at a wedding reception (after being with the kids all day while I was at Super Saturday) and I was trying to get dinner started. I had taken the boys with me earlier to vacuum out Wendel's truck (I cleaned it out for him as part of his Christmas gift, which I'm making good on a bit late) and while we were there, I let the boys get a gum ball each from the machine inside. So fast forward to dinnertime and I asked the boys to spit out the their gum in the garbage (because Oliver was playing with his in his hands). They ignored me. I asked again. Nothing. Again. And again. Oliver finally stood up and started to walk around the kitchen but then said, "I'm going to take it up to my room instead." I told him that's not what I asked him to do and that I wanted to throw it away. He again said he was going to take it to his room and I lost it. I started screaming (and I do mean screaming, not yelling) at him about being respectful and doing as he is asked. He just looked at me like he was debating if he was going to start laughing and that made me even more upset. I could feel the stress coming out in my words. I picked up a book that was on the counter and slammed it down (so hard that it hurt my hands). I was so frustrated and upset and discouraged. Oliver finally shrugged his shoulders and threw his gum away. I turned to see Josh walk out of the room. "Joshua! Where are you going?!?" He yelled angrily that he was spitting his gum out and then I remembered he had taken the trash can into the front room when they were cleaning up glass Eleanor broke by the front door. Josh started sobbing so I went in there and held him in my arms. I felt so horrible that I had lost it and screamed at them. It took a long time for Josh to calm down, to stop the sobbing. I noticed his tics intensified during this time as well. As we talked through his feelings, he told me he felt scared because I screamed. That's the last thing I want him to feel - I don't seek to teach out of fear. My heart sank in deep regret. I apologized and asked for forgiveness and asked him to apologize and then we made a deal that we would both try harder to listen quickly and not yell. I had a similar talk with Oliver and they went to bed on an okay note but Josh never did eat his dinner. I think he lost his appetite.

Then Wendel came home and we had a big fight. I don't want to recount it but it was over stupid stuff. We just are both so stressed out and we're taking it out on each other. There is so much weighing on my shoulders with Oliver's ODD and his bleak outcome (it can't be "cured" and nothing is working to change his behavior and it's affecting his self esteem, friendships, school, and especially our family life) and Anxiety, Josh's anxiety and new diagnosis of Tic Syndrome (high risk for Tourette Syndrome), Eleanor losing her contacts and the worry I feel that she will lose vision in that eye because she doesn't wear them enough and we aren't patching enough, the worry I feel about her upcoming surgery and how she is going to view herself once she gets to kindergarten, the babies with their helmets, our messy, chaotic home, and most heartbreaking, the stress all of this is causing on our marriage. Because if we aren't on the same team, I just don't even know how I can navigate this. I'm starting to lose some positivity and it's so incredibly difficult and scary.

I have to remember to keep an eternal perspective and rely heavily on my Heavenly Father and Savior and to trust in them.  I sometimes wonder how we can handle twins babies on top of what we have going on but the promptings were strong and they are here for a a reason. The atonement is real. I do all I can and it fills in the gaps.

So tired. Going to bed.

Mental Illness

I'm coming to terms with the fact that Oliver has a mental illness. I think it is easier to view him this way, rather than thinking he is healthy and just being a jerk. He is far from healthy. He is verbally abusive, emotionally falling apart, his self esteem is suffering, his pain is overwhelming. I think we are ready to try medication, for Oliver's sake and for the sake of our family dynamic. I think Josh's anxiety is greatly affected by Oliver's behavior, as well as Oliver's anxiety.

I took Oliver's baptism and 8-year-old pictures at the Gilbert Temple today. I just looked at them and can hardly believe how grown up he looks. It makes me sad in a way because I feel like I am failing him and the older he gets, the more I feel that way. Like he is further out of my grasp and will remember negative interactions more. I also saw pictures of me on that camera card and I was surprised by how old and exhausted I look. Life has definitely taken a toll these past several years.

Falling asleep...

Overwhelmed

It's almost midnight and it's been a long day but I had to write for a few minutes because I'm feeling sad tonight. I think for a long time it was easy to have a positive attitude because that is the disposition I was blessed with. I see the glass half full and try to give others the benefit of the doubt. But things are hard and stressful and I can see that slipping away from me a little bit, especially in regards to Oliver (and how I feel like I don't know how to help him) and in regards to our marriage (which has a lot of stress placed on it right now, more than ever before). I feel overwhelmed, especially because Taylor (our part-time nanny) will only be with us another month. That thought is very scary.

It is very discouraging feeling like the things I do don't make a difference. With Oliver, with Wendel, with Josh, with our house being a mess, with pretty much everything.

Falling asleep typing...

Recent frustrations

I seriously don't know if I will ever feel on top of things again. Will our house be messy for the next ten years? Josh had a playdate with a friend the other day. I picked him up and took the kids to the park. He asked why we couldn't have the playdate at our house. I told him I thought it would be fun to go to the park because it was a nice day. Then he said, "Your house is so messy." He turned to Josh and said, "Your house is such a messy house." Granted, he has only been in it one time, but he isn't wrong. I seriously cannot keep up with it right now. I have a housecleaner come every other Monday and on that day, it is so nice and clean and I feel this burden being lifted off of my shoulders. But it reminds me of the fairytale Cinderella where it's only a matter of time until things start to unravel at a rapid pace.

And the judgement is really hard for me. I shouldn't let it get to me but it does. Not just things kids say (but that hurts a little too - I've had two kids comment on how messy our car is) but it's worse with adults. I confided in a friend of mine that we think Josh may be on the autism spectrum and we're on a waiting list to get him tested. I felt very vulnerable and debated even saying anything. I only did because I've felt she has judged him in the past based on his behavior during transitions...which do not go smoothly for him most of the time, or how he won't make eye contact with her and looks at the ground and acts grumpy and very shy. And how she comments on it every time, as though she wouldn't allow her child to act that way. (In fact, regarding Oliver's behavior, she told me, "I wouldn't allow that in my home." So what she's basically saying is it's a parenting issue and it's our fault.) So I told her about Josh and she said, "Not to be rude but are you sure you're not just thinking he's autistic because it's all the rage to have an autistic kid these days?" Prefacing it with "Not to be rude" did not take away the sting I felt, as though she had just slapped me across the face. Who says that? And really, does she think I want to have an autistic child because it's "all the rage?" It felt so insensitive and hurtful.

And then I went visiting teaching with this same friend the other night and she said she had to get going home to her kids. We walked out together and she then invited me to her house to watch "The Hobbit" with some of our other friends, which is going to be a weekly thing. (We all did this together a while ago, watching Harry Potter once a week.) She said, "Sorry I didn't invite you. To be honest, I forgot." And then she proceeded to tell me how I needed to make going a priority to have some "me" time. I told her bedtime is pretty intense at our house and she said I did it for years while Wendel was at mutual so he can handle it. I told her I'm sure he can but I was thinking about how intense it gets and how it's so hard to do it alone and then I realized that wasn't even really the issue. I just didn't have any desire to go and hang out with these girls (all much younger than me) who have no idea of the challenges I'm struggling with and don't seem to want to know or care. This friend did ask about Josh and where we're at with the evaluation process. I told her I had a phone interview with one of the people we're on a waiting list with that lasted and hour and a half, to see if he would qualify for an evaluation (which he does, and which I was happy to tell her since she thinks it's just in my head because it's "all the rage" to have a kid on the spectrum). She said, "So the phone interview was to weed our the crazies?" I didn't say anything but I should have said, "No, not crazies. Just redirect people who have kids with different challenges who may not necessarily be on the spectrum." I don't know why I don't say what I think around her. I don't like making people feel uncomfortable and there are a lot of things I really like about this girl but it's at the point where I just don't feel like I can relate to her anymore. It's just different when you have kids with special needs. People don't get it. I definitely value and appreciate those non-judgmental friends I have and try to be that for others.

And on that note, I am sick (again) due to lack of sleep, so I am off to sleep. Wendel and Oliver are in Seattle for Connor's baptism (Oliver's cousin) and tomorrow will be a long day, I think.

So incredibly tired...

It is past midnight and I need to be asleep. But everyday I think about this blog and how I would love to sit down and type...to vent my feelings. Even as I typed that line, I closed my eyes for a minute or so and was falling asleep. The days are so busy, so much of a whirlwind. We are in full survival mode. This is a very demanding time and the past couple of days, in particular, have been very trying. I have zero patience at dinner time when I'm trying to get food on the table, both babies are screaming, Oliver is usually angry or hurt about something, the other two aren't listening, everything is loud and chaotic, Wendel isn't home yet, the kitchen is a mess...I yelled at the kids yesterday. The kind of yelling where I regret it immediately but can't stop and then feel like I burned every bridge I've tried to build over the past several years. Some days I feel like I've got this 5-kid-thing. It's not so bad. And then I have days like yesterday and today and I seriously question our decision to have five children. And then I remember the very strong promptings we had about the babies and the talk "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" by Elder Holland and I know, with certainty, that we acted on promptings of the Spirit and that these children were sent to us with purpose.

Still, life is so difficult and demanding right now. It's exhausting, messy, chaotic, a time of second guessing my parenting, wondering if I am doing enough, giving enough to each child, ...

And again I just caught myself falling asleep. The babies are teething and get up in the night. Eleanor has night terrors and nightmares and gets up in the night. Sometimes Josh has an occasion nightmare and gets up in the night. My alarm goes off and 6:00 to start the day. I rarely sit at all throughout the day and usually don't have a minute to myself. I am so very grateful for our family. But so incredibly tired.