It is past midnight and I need to be asleep. But everyday I think about this blog and how I would love to sit down and type...to vent my feelings. Even as I typed that line, I closed my eyes for a minute or so and was falling asleep. The days are so busy, so much of a whirlwind. We are in full survival mode. This is a very demanding time and the past couple of days, in particular, have been very trying. I have zero patience at dinner time when I'm trying to get food on the table, both babies are screaming, Oliver is usually angry or hurt about something, the other two aren't listening, everything is loud and chaotic, Wendel isn't home yet, the kitchen is a mess...I yelled at the kids yesterday. The kind of yelling where I regret it immediately but can't stop and then feel like I burned every bridge I've tried to build over the past several years. Some days I feel like I've got this 5-kid-thing. It's not so bad. And then I have days like yesterday and today and I seriously question our decision to have five children. And then I remember the very strong promptings we had about the babies and the talk "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" by Elder Holland and I know, with certainty, that we acted on promptings of the Spirit and that these children were sent to us with purpose.
Still, life is so difficult and demanding right now. It's exhausting, messy, chaotic, a time of second guessing my parenting, wondering if I am doing enough, giving enough to each child, ...
And again I just caught myself falling asleep. The babies are teething and get up in the night. Eleanor has night terrors and nightmares and gets up in the night. Sometimes Josh has an occasion nightmare and gets up in the night. My alarm goes off and 6:00 to start the day. I rarely sit at all throughout the day and usually don't have a minute to myself. I am so very grateful for our family. But so incredibly tired.
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