What parenting ADHD feels like

Parenting a child with ADHD often feels like:

• Isolation 
• Judgement
• Overwhelm
• Constant effort
• Mental fatigue
• Constantly learning
• Seeking to understand 
• Insanity (which by definition is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - in this case, putting my heart and time and energy into understanding my sons and continuing to see them struggle with big emotions, negative self talk, impulsiveness, and focus). 
• Can't keep up
• Concern
• Exhaustion
• Misunderstood by many
• Sadness for my boys at times
• Falling asleep sitting up because I'm so drained
• Constantly pouring out my own canteen and sporadically filling it up a little bit
• Needing time to unwind, which is only when everyone is asleep - therefore I am always tired

It also feels like:

• A world of new discoveries with so many things to learn about.
• Appreciation for connection when it happens.
• A sacred, special parenting ("To sacrifice is to make something sacred." - M. Russell Ballard)
• I have a specific purpose to advocate for my children.
• It forces me to prioritize the most important things.
• It brings me closer to my Heavenly Father, as I pray often and rely on Him to give us guidance through this process. 

The Gift of a Happy Mother - some thoughts on Mother's Day

The Gift of a Happy Mother: Letting Go of Perfection and Embracing Everyday Joy by Rebecca Eanes

A friend recommended this book to me and I bought it for myself for Mother's Day. Wendel took the older kids to the dirt to ride bikes and the twins are sleeping so I am taking some time to read this book and answer some of the journaling prompts. So far, this book is about being intentional about setting aside ten minutes each days to connect and feel real joy with your children.

How can you create space in your life to make happiness habits a part of your routine? Think in terms of what is holding you back, weighing you down, or keeping you stuck.
I am inspired to focus on 1:1 time with each child again. I used to be really good about this and with the busyness of life, the only one who gets it consistently now if Eleanor (because we have good 1:1 time while we patch her eye, while the twins sleep). This is often a joyful time for us. Lately, Oliver has expressed that he misses our 1:1 time and wants to do it again. Since school is out for summer in a couple of weeks, I am coming up with a new plan. It will look like this:

8-12 (M-F): Summer Camp for the boys
12:30 / 1:00: Lunch
1:00-2:00 Twins nap / quiet screen time for the older kids
*During this time I will take each of the three older kids for 20 minutes each to do something upstairs with just them. Play a game, read together, do a project, talk, etc. They can choose.

List just one small, doable action you will take today to create a bit of space. Make it a tiny goal, and then make it happen.
I will find a time today to tell each of my children how grateful I am for them and how much I love them. I will also tell them one thing I love about them.

What is your why? Why do you want to be a happier mom? What would it mean to your children and family? (Write it on a sticky note and place it where you will see it often.)
There is stress and contention in our home daily, due to some of the boys' challenges and due to living life as a family. I want to fill their buckets with joy and connection as much as I can. Buoy them up and help them feel loved. I want to make this a priority.

Write about a happy memory from your past - a day that seemed ordinary when you were in it but produced extraordinary memories.
I really enjoyed working on a craft project and painting nails with Eleanor this past weekend. I really enjoyed playing Chutes and Ladders with Joshua in his room after school one day a couple of weeks ago. There was a time a few months ago we played on the trampoline together and we both loved that and laughed so much. I really enjoyed talking in Oliver's room with him a couple of nights this past week and tickling his back before he fell asleep. I really enjoyed having Nathan and Zach each ride on my back, pretending like I was a horse. I made the horse sounds and galloped quickly at times, making them giggle and sometimes laugh out loud. They would pull my ponytail while riding. I always enjoy reading to all five of them as well.

Write instruction on how to find happiness as though you are telling it to a child.
If you want to be happy, think about others. What kind things can you to do help other people? You will find joy as you lift other people up. You will also find joy as you make choices that help you stay close to Heavenly Father and to the Spirit. There are many other ways to add to your happiness but these two will definitely bring joy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Five truths to remember on the tough days:

1. My kids are a work in progress. What we focus on grows. [I have come to realize this in recent months as well.]

2. Their problems are not mine to solve. "I want to help when I can, but they have to struggle through some things. They just do. It's how they learn resilience. Life won't always be fair to them. People won't always be good to them. More often than not, they don't need me to solve their problems anyway; they just need me to be there for them while they work through it, and they need me to believe in their ability to do so. They draw strength from that." 

3. It's never going to be perfect. "There is always something I could be bothered about, always something else to wish for. The load feels a little lighter when I decide to find the joy in the chaos."

4. I've messed up, but they're still okay. "When you can release the weight of guilt and accept forgiveness, the load is so much more bearable. To the mom who is too hard on herself, you're good enough. Aim for connection instead of perfection. Perfection isn't attainable, but connection heals."

5. I can't be and do everything. "What needs cut gets cut, what needs delegated gets delegated."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Name one way you can enjoy this day just a little more.
Remember to take a breath before I respond. This helps me be more intentional and mindful with my response. It will help me respond rather than react.

Do a search for "happiness quotes" and jot down a couple that inspire you.
"Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like."

"Happiness is a direction, not a place." Sidney J. Harris

"Happiness is not a goal...it is a by-product of a life well lived." Eleanor Roosevelt

"The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts."

What does your best day look like? 
Balance. Exercise, spiritual connection (reading scriptures, praying), connecting with my kids, some time for me, enough sleep, making a healthy meal for my family, connection with Wendel.

Write down a list of characteristics you want your child to see in you.
Determination, love, kindness, patience, faith, happiness, positivity.

How close is the mom you are to the mom you want to be? How can you get there? 
Pretty close. Maybe not through their eyes though. But through my eyes I feel like I live my life guided by these characteristics. They might see my lack of patience and focus on that more. I will keep working on that one.

Tonight was hard

This evening was the boys' Learning Fair at their school. Linda met us there. The Kindergartners performed first, then we checked out the boys' art projects by their classrooms and then did the book walk in the library. I realized it was almost time to go to the multipurpose room for the third grade performance. Linda told me Oliver asked her to hold his books and said he would be right back but that he didn't indicate where he was going and ran off. We thought maybe he went to meet up with his classmates for the performance so we went over by his classroom. His classmates were there but he wasn't. We got into the multipurpose room and the performance started but he wasn't there. Wendel and I circled the school, looking inside and out, and could not find him. The performance ended and he was still missing. Finally, Wendel found him in the library, reading a book. (We had looked a couple of times in the library but he wasn't in plain view.) Wendel told Oliver he missed the performance and that we were worried about him. Oliver was really bummed about it. On the way to the car, I told him we were worried about him and need him to tell us where he is going next time. He pulled away from me and got angry. Linda leaned over to me and said, "It's like he's hitting the teenage years early...you're going to have your hands full."

Josh and Norah went with Wendel in his truck and Oliver came with me. His disappointment manifested in anger on the way home. He kept asking to play with my phone and I said no. He then got really down on himself, saying he's an idiot, using harsh language, and saying he wants to kill himself because he hates himself so much and doesn't want to be here anymore. This isn't the first time he's said these things but they were still hard to hear. I couldn't reach him (emotionally) while I was driving. He was right behind me, raging. He was throwing things around the car, including Zach's car seat. He was screaming and hitting himself, slapping his face and legs. I tried to remain calm and not get drawn in. I stopped by our house to pick up our babysitter, Cara Mia, to take her to mutual at the church. After we dropped her off, I parked the car, got out, opened Oliver's door, and hugged him. I knew he was hurting inside. I knew he was disappointed in himself and didn't know how to process those emotions in a healthy way. I knew I needed to respond in love. I hugged him and he sobbed. I told him I love him, no matter what, and that will never change. I told him his is special and important to me. I talked about how we all mistakes and how mistakes give us a chance to learn and change in the future. He told me he worked so hard on his performance for the Learning Fair and he feels so stupid that he missed it. He was able to connect that to having a hard day at school, feeling bullied and then coming home and yelling at me, because he had been holding all of his feelings inside all day, even though "you did nothing - it wasn't your fault - and I just yelled at you! I'm a terrible person!" I told him I know that happens sometimes and I forgive him. I know school can be hard and stressful. He told me he feels left out and wants more 1:1 time with me, weekly. I told him we could do it monthly but he was insistent about weekly. I know this is important to him and is his love language so I told him I would do what I can to make it happen. We ended on a good note, with me sitting with him while he fell asleep.

I feel drained. I am exhausted. I review the night and wonder if I said the right things, especially on the way home from the school. Could I have avoided the raging if I had said things differently? Oliver mentioned he felt stupid because he picks his nose and can't stop and kids won't want to be around him, he doesn't feel like he has many friends, and he has a hard time controlling his anger. He said he wants to be able to be calm and not so angry but he doesn't know how. I told him we would work on it together and that I would never give up on him. "But what if you do give up on me?" I assured him I would not and he seemed to accept that.

Parenting is hard. So very much is on the line. I am incredibly exhausted and have to get up so early so I'm signing off for now.

I am a perfectionist

• Lately I have been feeling a lot of anxiety. I don't know why exactly. I thought it was because I was hosting a preschool playgroup at my house and I was nervous about getting everything ready for that. But that was this morning and I'm still left feeling anxious butterflies in my stomach. Maybe it is because I am turning 40 in two months. Maybe it is because, even though I weigh the same, my body is changing and my stomach doesn't "suck in" in quite the way it used to. Maybe it is because I am always worried about my mom and sister in the back (and often the forefront) of my mind in regards to their addictions (my mom is addicted to a sleeping pill called Ambien, as is Lindsey. Lindsey is also in outpatient rehab for other addictions as well). Maybe it's just my body chemistry, through genetics, and although it has been in remission for quite some time for the most part, is emerging again. (I would rather it be because of something that might pass.)
• I realized something about myself recently, while listening to a podcast (Cultivate a Good Life by Becky Higgins & Becky Proudfit with guest Monica Packer of It's About Progress). I am a perfectionist. I thought I used to be a perfectionist, back in college when I was very determined to get into Graduate School, and then kept that trend going, even though I no longer needed to chase the GPA. But now, I am a mom and I can't keep up with our house. I have thought that I am no longer a perfectionist because if I was, I wouldn't be able to let our house be cluttered and messy at times (a lot of the time). But listening to this episode helped me realize there are two kinds of perfectionists: overachieving (me in college) and underachieving (me with our house). What this looks like for me is that I don't want to invite anyone over until our house is perfect in my mind - even down to the right pictures, in frames, in the right configuration. Sometimes people do come over but I don't go out of my way to invite many people over because I want it to be just right. And it is far from that. I can't keep up and it's overwhelming so I just don't invite people over and I think it affects the friendships I have with people to a degree. This was an interesting discovery about myself.
• Sometimes I still feel really isolated from the girls in the group I hang out with from church. They are all about ten years younger than me, but our kids are about the same age. They make comments that aren't intended to be hurtful but I internalize them and feel the differences between us highlighted. Like how they think siblings sharing a room is a good idea, and one even has all three of her girls in the same room, even though they live in a a five-bedroom home, because they want to be together. The argument is that sharing a room will encourage bonding and minimize rivalry. But then there are my boys, who are impulsive and have difficulty controlling their emotions, and egg each other on,  and they wouldn't get to sleep on time because they fought so much - to the point that Wendel built another room in our home for Oliver. And that is what works for us. I am not offended by their comments but I do feel like it's difficult to relate sometimes. 
• I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. Waiting for the laundry to be done so I can put it in the dryer..

"It never gets easier. You just get better."

I have been thinking about this lately. I feel like things have been more peaceful in our home the past few days in regards to our boys' challenges with emotion regulation and impulsivity. I'm noticing they are still having outbursts and acting impulsively but I'm not allowing myself to get drawn in emotionally. I am being very intentional about regulating my own emotions (one tip I read is to walk into the bathroom if you feel like you're getting angry and run your hands under warm water to reset), connecting with my kids, and allowing them to express themselves without dismissing their feelings. (For example, one of my sons was upset today because one of the twins messed up something he built. He was crying and said he wishes he was an only child and he hates having siblings. He has said this many times in the past and I have usually given him a quick response, basically saying we're part of a family for a reason and that he needs to act kindly. Today, I sat next to him and put my arm around him. I let him cry and express all of his thoughts, even when he was shaking in anger, yelling and sobbing about how unfair his life is. I didn't interrupt or downplay his feelings. When he was done I told him, "I understand what you're saying. You feel like you were more connected to Dad and me when we were able to focus all of our attention on you. You feel sad and a little jealous because our attention is divided in so many directions now. You feel frustrated when you siblings ruin things that are important to you. I understand how you would feel that way. That makes sense." I hugged him and told him I love him. I then told him I know Heavenly Father gives us families so we can learn and grow from each other and to help us become who He wants us to be, even though it can be hard sometimes. He calmed down and hugged me and I could tell he felt connected to me.) This also goes along with Dr. Tina Bryson's approach of "connect and then redirect." (I know these things but they do not come naturally so I have to re-learn them over and over - anyone else?) For a long time, I thought, "What can I do to help my boys change? To improve their behavior, to stop the explosions and contention?" And I am seeing clearly now that what really helps a lot is managing my own emotions (easier said than done, I know), connecting with them (even if it's only for 5-10 quality minutes / day) and really listening to them without dismissing their feelings. I am the one who needs to change. At least, that's what is working right now and I'm grateful so I wanted to share.

Regret

Tonight was probably the worst night of our married life. We went out to dinner to celebrate Wendel's birthday (late) and fought before, during, and after. It ended badly. I have a headache and I'm exhausted. I've been listening to Allie Casazza's course, Your Uncluttered Home, for the past few hours. It is one of the things we fought about but in the end, I ended up purchasing it (not cheap) because I feel like I'm at a place where I'm stuck with our home. Nothing I do makes a difference and I cannot get on top of it. I hate living in clutter and chaos all of the time. It's overwhelming, frustrating, exhausting, restricting, discouraging, and I don't like the feelings it produces in our home. Something has to change. Wendel isn't convinced this is the thing that will help. I am hopeful it is. This isn't the only thing we fought about though. There were lots of things - things we didn't realize were bothering us until we said (or rather, shouted) them out loud. Near the end of our argument, as we were turning into our neighborhood, I was so upset, frustrated, and discouraged, I threw his phone on the dashboard and shouted, "I wish I hadn't married you!" I think I was just as shocked as he was to hear those words. Because they aren't true. Life is hard and overwhelming but I have always been able to stay positive and hopeful. Tonight I didn't feel either of those things. I felt fear and despair. Heartache and anger. My words were a knee-jerk reaction to the hurt I was feeling. I tried to explain this but I know if he said those words to me, I would not be able to forget them. We both cried and then I suggested we pray. I prayed out loud while we held hands and then he went into the house and I took the babysitter home. We haven't spoken since. We both need sleep and time. We both said incredibly hurtful things that make my stomach turn. I want to go to marriage therapy but he does not. I don't know where to go from here but I know I need sleep right now. I just needed to write and process a bit first.

Can't sleep

I can't sleep, which is ironic because I need sleep so badly. I went to bed early (9:30) because I was exhausted and felt like I might feel a cold coming on. Norah woke me up at 11 something with a night terror. After that, I laid in bed for about an hour and a half or so and could not fall back asleep - so frustrating! So now I am downstairs, eating leftover Vegan Korma and creamed dried corn (both are so delicious) from our Thanksgiving celebration with Dad and my side of the family today.

I think I'm worried about a few things and that's why I can't sleep. I know it doesn't do any good to worry and is actually detrimental to my health so maybe if I write it down I will be able to stop worrying and go to sleep.

1. I'm worried about Oliver. We have a big decision to make. Last week, his doctor at The Melmed Center prescribed Riatlin. Our initial reaction is definitely no. His doctor said she recommends this one because it is a stimulant and she said stimulants have been around longer than non-stimulants so doctors know more about them. She said she would give a stimulant to her child over a non-stimulant for this reason. She said Oliver wouldn't have to build up to it so we would know right away if it works and if not, we can take him off of it immediately. From my research, here is what I've gathered about meds for ADHD so far.

Pros

• "Methylphenidate (Ritalin) works in the treatment of ADHD by increasing attention and decreasing restlessness in children and adults who are overactive, cannot concentrate for very long, or are easily distracted and impulsive. This medicine is used as part of a total treatment program that also includes social, educational, and psychological treatment." [https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/methylphenidate-oral-route/description/drg-20068297] 
• I read numerous testimonials in the Facebook support group I am a part of about meds (in general, not specifically Ritalin) helping kids with ADHD. Many parents testified their kids were like different children (in a good way) after starting. They went from Bs and Cs to As, they had more friends, they had more confidence, they could focus, etc. 
• I have heard several times that research shows kids who aren't medicated when they are young are at higher risk for self-medicating when they are older (drugs, alcohol, etc). I think this is what happened with my sister, Lindsey. (She has ADD and was not medicated as a child.)

Cons

• The side effects. These are the common ones: 
• trouble sleeping

• loss of appetite
• dry mouth
• anxiety
• increased heart rate
• irritability
• headache
• dizziness

Among the more serious side effects are psychosis, heart rhythm problems, addiction, Rynaud's Syndrome and slowed growth. 

• Some parents in the FB support group said it changed their children for the worse. 
• Permanent changes in the brain. (Mayo clinic)

We don't even have an official diagnosis but Oliver's doctor said it's a "working diagnosis" and she believes he does have ADHD. His teacher eval this year indicated it other than one area (focus, I think) being one point below the cut off.