I am a perfectionist

• Lately I have been feeling a lot of anxiety. I don't know why exactly. I thought it was because I was hosting a preschool playgroup at my house and I was nervous about getting everything ready for that. But that was this morning and I'm still left feeling anxious butterflies in my stomach. Maybe it is because I am turning 40 in two months. Maybe it is because, even though I weigh the same, my body is changing and my stomach doesn't "suck in" in quite the way it used to. Maybe it is because I am always worried about my mom and sister in the back (and often the forefront) of my mind in regards to their addictions (my mom is addicted to a sleeping pill called Ambien, as is Lindsey. Lindsey is also in outpatient rehab for other addictions as well). Maybe it's just my body chemistry, through genetics, and although it has been in remission for quite some time for the most part, is emerging again. (I would rather it be because of something that might pass.)
• I realized something about myself recently, while listening to a podcast (Cultivate a Good Life by Becky Higgins & Becky Proudfit with guest Monica Packer of It's About Progress). I am a perfectionist. I thought I used to be a perfectionist, back in college when I was very determined to get into Graduate School, and then kept that trend going, even though I no longer needed to chase the GPA. But now, I am a mom and I can't keep up with our house. I have thought that I am no longer a perfectionist because if I was, I wouldn't be able to let our house be cluttered and messy at times (a lot of the time). But listening to this episode helped me realize there are two kinds of perfectionists: overachieving (me in college) and underachieving (me with our house). What this looks like for me is that I don't want to invite anyone over until our house is perfect in my mind - even down to the right pictures, in frames, in the right configuration. Sometimes people do come over but I don't go out of my way to invite many people over because I want it to be just right. And it is far from that. I can't keep up and it's overwhelming so I just don't invite people over and I think it affects the friendships I have with people to a degree. This was an interesting discovery about myself.
• Sometimes I still feel really isolated from the girls in the group I hang out with from church. They are all about ten years younger than me, but our kids are about the same age. They make comments that aren't intended to be hurtful but I internalize them and feel the differences between us highlighted. Like how they think siblings sharing a room is a good idea, and one even has all three of her girls in the same room, even though they live in a a five-bedroom home, because they want to be together. The argument is that sharing a room will encourage bonding and minimize rivalry. But then there are my boys, who are impulsive and have difficulty controlling their emotions, and egg each other on,  and they wouldn't get to sleep on time because they fought so much - to the point that Wendel built another room in our home for Oliver. And that is what works for us. I am not offended by their comments but I do feel like it's difficult to relate sometimes. 
• I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. Waiting for the laundry to be done so I can put it in the dryer..