This evening was the boys' Learning Fair at their school. Linda met us there. The Kindergartners performed first, then we checked out the boys' art projects by their classrooms and then did the book walk in the library. I realized it was almost time to go to the multipurpose room for the third grade performance. Linda told me Oliver asked her to hold his books and said he would be right back but that he didn't indicate where he was going and ran off. We thought maybe he went to meet up with his classmates for the performance so we went over by his classroom. His classmates were there but he wasn't. We got into the multipurpose room and the performance started but he wasn't there. Wendel and I circled the school, looking inside and out, and could not find him. The performance ended and he was still missing. Finally, Wendel found him in the library, reading a book. (We had looked a couple of times in the library but he wasn't in plain view.) Wendel told Oliver he missed the performance and that we were worried about him. Oliver was really bummed about it. On the way to the car, I told him we were worried about him and need him to tell us where he is going next time. He pulled away from me and got angry. Linda leaned over to me and said, "It's like he's hitting the teenage years early...you're going to have your hands full."
Josh and Norah went with Wendel in his truck and Oliver came with me. His disappointment manifested in anger on the way home. He kept asking to play with my phone and I said no. He then got really down on himself, saying he's an idiot, using harsh language, and saying he wants to kill himself because he hates himself so much and doesn't want to be here anymore. This isn't the first time he's said these things but they were still hard to hear. I couldn't reach him (emotionally) while I was driving. He was right behind me, raging. He was throwing things around the car, including Zach's car seat. He was screaming and hitting himself, slapping his face and legs. I tried to remain calm and not get drawn in. I stopped by our house to pick up our babysitter, Cara Mia, to take her to mutual at the church. After we dropped her off, I parked the car, got out, opened Oliver's door, and hugged him. I knew he was hurting inside. I knew he was disappointed in himself and didn't know how to process those emotions in a healthy way. I knew I needed to respond in love. I hugged him and he sobbed. I told him I love him, no matter what, and that will never change. I told him his is special and important to me. I talked about how we all mistakes and how mistakes give us a chance to learn and change in the future. He told me he worked so hard on his performance for the Learning Fair and he feels so stupid that he missed it. He was able to connect that to having a hard day at school, feeling bullied and then coming home and yelling at me, because he had been holding all of his feelings inside all day, even though "you did nothing - it wasn't your fault - and I just yelled at you! I'm a terrible person!" I told him I know that happens sometimes and I forgive him. I know school can be hard and stressful. He told me he feels left out and wants more 1:1 time with me, weekly. I told him we could do it monthly but he was insistent about weekly. I know this is important to him and is his love language so I told him I would do what I can to make it happen. We ended on a good note, with me sitting with him while he fell asleep.
I feel drained. I am exhausted. I review the night and wonder if I said the right things, especially on the way home from the school. Could I have avoided the raging if I had said things differently? Oliver mentioned he felt stupid because he picks his nose and can't stop and kids won't want to be around him, he doesn't feel like he has many friends, and he has a hard time controlling his anger. He said he wants to be able to be calm and not so angry but he doesn't know how. I told him we would work on it together and that I would never give up on him. "But what if you do give up on me?" I assured him I would not and he seemed to accept that.
Parenting is hard. So very much is on the line. I am incredibly exhausted and have to get up so early so I'm signing off for now.
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