Recent frustrations

I seriously don't know if I will ever feel on top of things again. Will our house be messy for the next ten years? Josh had a playdate with a friend the other day. I picked him up and took the kids to the park. He asked why we couldn't have the playdate at our house. I told him I thought it would be fun to go to the park because it was a nice day. Then he said, "Your house is so messy." He turned to Josh and said, "Your house is such a messy house." Granted, he has only been in it one time, but he isn't wrong. I seriously cannot keep up with it right now. I have a housecleaner come every other Monday and on that day, it is so nice and clean and I feel this burden being lifted off of my shoulders. But it reminds me of the fairytale Cinderella where it's only a matter of time until things start to unravel at a rapid pace.

And the judgement is really hard for me. I shouldn't let it get to me but it does. Not just things kids say (but that hurts a little too - I've had two kids comment on how messy our car is) but it's worse with adults. I confided in a friend of mine that we think Josh may be on the autism spectrum and we're on a waiting list to get him tested. I felt very vulnerable and debated even saying anything. I only did because I've felt she has judged him in the past based on his behavior during transitions...which do not go smoothly for him most of the time, or how he won't make eye contact with her and looks at the ground and acts grumpy and very shy. And how she comments on it every time, as though she wouldn't allow her child to act that way. (In fact, regarding Oliver's behavior, she told me, "I wouldn't allow that in my home." So what she's basically saying is it's a parenting issue and it's our fault.) So I told her about Josh and she said, "Not to be rude but are you sure you're not just thinking he's autistic because it's all the rage to have an autistic kid these days?" Prefacing it with "Not to be rude" did not take away the sting I felt, as though she had just slapped me across the face. Who says that? And really, does she think I want to have an autistic child because it's "all the rage?" It felt so insensitive and hurtful.

And then I went visiting teaching with this same friend the other night and she said she had to get going home to her kids. We walked out together and she then invited me to her house to watch "The Hobbit" with some of our other friends, which is going to be a weekly thing. (We all did this together a while ago, watching Harry Potter once a week.) She said, "Sorry I didn't invite you. To be honest, I forgot." And then she proceeded to tell me how I needed to make going a priority to have some "me" time. I told her bedtime is pretty intense at our house and she said I did it for years while Wendel was at mutual so he can handle it. I told her I'm sure he can but I was thinking about how intense it gets and how it's so hard to do it alone and then I realized that wasn't even really the issue. I just didn't have any desire to go and hang out with these girls (all much younger than me) who have no idea of the challenges I'm struggling with and don't seem to want to know or care. This friend did ask about Josh and where we're at with the evaluation process. I told her I had a phone interview with one of the people we're on a waiting list with that lasted and hour and a half, to see if he would qualify for an evaluation (which he does, and which I was happy to tell her since she thinks it's just in my head because it's "all the rage" to have a kid on the spectrum). She said, "So the phone interview was to weed our the crazies?" I didn't say anything but I should have said, "No, not crazies. Just redirect people who have kids with different challenges who may not necessarily be on the spectrum." I don't know why I don't say what I think around her. I don't like making people feel uncomfortable and there are a lot of things I really like about this girl but it's at the point where I just don't feel like I can relate to her anymore. It's just different when you have kids with special needs. People don't get it. I definitely value and appreciate those non-judgmental friends I have and try to be that for others.

And on that note, I am sick (again) due to lack of sleep, so I am off to sleep. Wendel and Oliver are in Seattle for Connor's baptism (Oliver's cousin) and tomorrow will be a long day, I think.

So incredibly tired...

It is past midnight and I need to be asleep. But everyday I think about this blog and how I would love to sit down and type...to vent my feelings. Even as I typed that line, I closed my eyes for a minute or so and was falling asleep. The days are so busy, so much of a whirlwind. We are in full survival mode. This is a very demanding time and the past couple of days, in particular, have been very trying. I have zero patience at dinner time when I'm trying to get food on the table, both babies are screaming, Oliver is usually angry or hurt about something, the other two aren't listening, everything is loud and chaotic, Wendel isn't home yet, the kitchen is a mess...I yelled at the kids yesterday. The kind of yelling where I regret it immediately but can't stop and then feel like I burned every bridge I've tried to build over the past several years. Some days I feel like I've got this 5-kid-thing. It's not so bad. And then I have days like yesterday and today and I seriously question our decision to have five children. And then I remember the very strong promptings we had about the babies and the talk "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" by Elder Holland and I know, with certainty, that we acted on promptings of the Spirit and that these children were sent to us with purpose.

Still, life is so difficult and demanding right now. It's exhausting, messy, chaotic, a time of second guessing my parenting, wondering if I am doing enough, giving enough to each child, ...

And again I just caught myself falling asleep. The babies are teething and get up in the night. Eleanor has night terrors and nightmares and gets up in the night. Sometimes Josh has an occasion nightmare and gets up in the night. My alarm goes off and 6:00 to start the day. I rarely sit at all throughout the day and usually don't have a minute to myself. I am so very grateful for our family. But so incredibly tired.

A little bit lonely...

It's a little bit of a lonely road you walk down when you have children with special needs (especially those that manifest behaviorally). There is the judgement, those who don't understand, the stares, the assumptions about bad parenting...Tonight Wendel was talking about a co-worker of his who lives in Maricopa with his family. They invited us to dinner a couple of years ago. Although I was looking forward to it, I completely spaced it when the day came and missed the dinner entirely. I didn't realize it until over and hour after we were supposed to be there. Becky had messaged me through Facebook but I didn't receive FB notifications on my phone at that time. I didn't have her phone number so I had Wendel call Ross (her husband) once I realized our oversight. She was not happy. I sent her several messages and she didn't reply for a couple of days. After profusely apologizing, she finally responded and basically said she went through a lot of effort and it was frustrating that we didn't show up. I get that. I would be a little frustrated too. We invited them over a couple of weeks later. And after that, nothing. I mentioned to Wendel tonight (at his mention of Ross) how badly I feel about that dinner and how Becky and I never clicked after that but that it could've been different. He said, "Let's face it, we have challenging kids. We're not going to have many friends. They don't get it." And aside from our oversight with dinner that night, I could feel the difference between our kids and theirs. I think maybe it was more of us offending them than the differences in our kids that drove a wedge between us but it is still an issue to consider and one that definitely weighs heavily on my heart. I can think of friendships that have been strained and even severed due to "differences in parenting styles" or how challenging our children can be. I could include example after example of one friend, in particular, whom I was close to when Oliver was young. (We aren't really friends anymore. Barely acquaintances.) But I won't go down that road. Not tonight anyway.

Sweet Boy

My thoughts are turned to Josh again tonight. He had a preschool field trip today to Shamrock Farms. He really enjoyed it but lately he's been telling me, "Everyone hates me," including several times today. I usually say, "Well, the good news is, that isn't true." Today he told me, "My family loves me but everyone else hates me." Today at the field trip, we all rode a tram as we toured the farm. A bunch of the pre school kids wanted to sit on the same row on the tram, saying they were "best friends." Josh and I took our seats in front of them. I told him, "You can sit up here in front of your friends." One little girl, Bailee, was sitting next to him but then moved back with the other kids at their invitation. They didn't invite Josh or say they wanted him by them. Bailee ended up moving back to our row at the insistence of the tour guide, because there wasn't room on the other row, but it wasn't because she wanted to hang out with Josh. I could tell they view him differently, maybe not consciously but at last subconsciously.

This evening Josh and Norah were helping me make dinner. She moved over to his chair when he walked into the other room for a little bit and when he came back he pushed her right off and yelled at her. I put him in time out for that and he refused to stay so after a couple of chances, I told him he had to go to bed early. This put him into a mood that is not easily changed. Wendel had to work late on a house he's flipping and I was going to go to a girl's night out with friends but I knew this mood he was in wasn't going to change so I had my babysitter come here instead and be with the babies and Norah while I got Josh to bed (which took an hour and a half). We eventually had a good talk about how he could use his words to express his frustration with Norah instead of pushing and yelling. Sometimes he says things to me like, "I love you mom. What would I ever do without you? How could I live without you?" And tonight I had the thought of what will he do when I'm gone, this sweet boy of mine who will hardly open up to anyone else. And that breaks my heart.

Missing my grandparents

Wendel blessed our sweet boys at church today. They were both given beautiful blessings and it was a nice day with family. I will share more another time but wanted to quickly write that this morning as I was getting ready, I was thinking about Grandma and Grandpa Roberts (especially Grandma) and missing them. I thought of how much I would love to sit down and talk with them and how I missed her matter of fact way of expressing herself, how she had a story for everything and loved to talk, how she called me "Ash," how she never gave up on my dad, how she would have loved to attend the babies' blessings today if possible...and I felt an overwhelming feeling of missing her but also feeling like she and Grandpa weren't far away today. It brought tears to my eyes. Before leaving for the church, I slipped on a ring that used to be hers that I picked out when I was in high school. I remember her saying, "You want that ring? It's just a cheap thing," or something like that. But I liked it and I like that it reminds me of her. The veil felt a little bit thiner today.

It is almost midnight now so I will continue writing about the boys' blessings another time.

Feeling Overwhelmed

I'm sitting here on the couch at 9:52 on a Friday evening. My heart is heavy and I feel overwhelmed with Oliver's ODD diagnosis. He was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Anxiety about a year ago by a Developmental Pediatrician at The Melmed Center. He is an amazing kid. He is sweet with his baby brothers, kind to animals, fun to be around on his good days, loves to be silly, will often do kind things for others, he has friends and has a best friend whom he loves, he is good at math and interested in figuring out how things work...but he can turn in an instant, raging in anger, destroying things, difficulty controlling his emotions, lying, screaming, throwing, punching, blaming, negative self talk, playing the victim...I think the hardest part is the lack of understanding from pretty much everyone. People don't understand his struggles to control what come more naturally to other children. They don't understand that it's not a "parenting" or "discipline" issue. That we're not bad, inconsistent parents who let our kid walk all over us. They don't get that every single thing we do or say is met with resistance and that you absolutely have to choose your battles and let some things go and that is is extremely exhausting. They don't get the pain our son goes through as he is yelling and crying, "I'm just the kid who destroys things!" "I'm the worst kid in my family!" "All I do is lie!" It is heartbreaking.

I try so hard to be patient with him. I try to understand and connect, research and apply, apologize and love. So often I feel that I'm failing him.

Tonight I had a couple of thoughts. First, when I went into his room to check on him after he fell asleep, with tears running down my face, I had the thought that I just need to love him. When he is angry, show him an outpouring of unconditional love. Easier said than done.

Then I came downstairs and stood in our kitchen and felt so alone. I am part of a couple of support groups on Facebook for parents of ODD kids and it helps to know there are others out there. But here in the non-virtual world, I feel pretty isolated. I thought of our Savior and how he sacrificed so much to be able to succor us and mourn with us in times of heartache. I then thought about how Oliver will one day be made whole when he is resurrected, an extraordinary gift from our Savior. He conquered death, as will we. This gives me hope for my son, hope that these challenges will not be forever for him.

But I also want him to find joy and hope in this life. I want him to know how much I love him, even though it's not always easy for us to connect. I want him to know I will fight for him and do all I can to ease these challenges. Sometimes I am impatient and get frustrated (tonight he told me I'm like Ms. Adamick, his English teacher whom he doesn't like because she's not very nice). But I am a constant in his life and that will never change.

Josh & Oliver after the Primary Program this year. October 2017

Promptings

I wanted to quickly share a prompting I had the other day. I was feeling overwhelmed – with our cluttered house, the kids, responsibilities…everything. I walked into the pantry to empty the trash and I felt the Spirit wash over me. I had the thought: “Keep doing the best you can.” It was very comforting and helped me keep pushing through the overwhelming feeling.

I am incredibly grateful for the gift of the Holy Ghost. His companionship is one of the greatest blessings I have known . In a confusing world, it is comforting to know I have His companionship to guide, comfort, confirm truth and warn me when needed.  It is something I try not to take advantage of because I know my life would be very different without this gift.

I am recommitting to recording promptings, big or small.