Feeling Overwhelmed

I'm sitting here on the couch at 9:52 on a Friday evening. My heart is heavy and I feel overwhelmed with Oliver's ODD diagnosis. He was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Anxiety about a year ago by a Developmental Pediatrician at The Melmed Center. He is an amazing kid. He is sweet with his baby brothers, kind to animals, fun to be around on his good days, loves to be silly, will often do kind things for others, he has friends and has a best friend whom he loves, he is good at math and interested in figuring out how things work...but he can turn in an instant, raging in anger, destroying things, difficulty controlling his emotions, lying, screaming, throwing, punching, blaming, negative self talk, playing the victim...I think the hardest part is the lack of understanding from pretty much everyone. People don't understand his struggles to control what come more naturally to other children. They don't understand that it's not a "parenting" or "discipline" issue. That we're not bad, inconsistent parents who let our kid walk all over us. They don't get that every single thing we do or say is met with resistance and that you absolutely have to choose your battles and let some things go and that is is extremely exhausting. They don't get the pain our son goes through as he is yelling and crying, "I'm just the kid who destroys things!" "I'm the worst kid in my family!" "All I do is lie!" It is heartbreaking.

I try so hard to be patient with him. I try to understand and connect, research and apply, apologize and love. So often I feel that I'm failing him.

Tonight I had a couple of thoughts. First, when I went into his room to check on him after he fell asleep, with tears running down my face, I had the thought that I just need to love him. When he is angry, show him an outpouring of unconditional love. Easier said than done.

Then I came downstairs and stood in our kitchen and felt so alone. I am part of a couple of support groups on Facebook for parents of ODD kids and it helps to know there are others out there. But here in the non-virtual world, I feel pretty isolated. I thought of our Savior and how he sacrificed so much to be able to succor us and mourn with us in times of heartache. I then thought about how Oliver will one day be made whole when he is resurrected, an extraordinary gift from our Savior. He conquered death, as will we. This gives me hope for my son, hope that these challenges will not be forever for him.

But I also want him to find joy and hope in this life. I want him to know how much I love him, even though it's not always easy for us to connect. I want him to know I will fight for him and do all I can to ease these challenges. Sometimes I am impatient and get frustrated (tonight he told me I'm like Ms. Adamick, his English teacher whom he doesn't like because she's not very nice). But I am a constant in his life and that will never change.

Josh & Oliver after the Primary Program this year. October 2017