Finding joy along the way

It's almost midnight and I have a cough that won't go away so I need to get to bed. I stayed up late, alone, to watch a movie and have some "me" time, which is such a luxury. I probably should have gone to bed early instead.

I just wanted to express how hard it is to have 1:1 time with our children when there are five of them. I could do it with three but now it's so much more difficult. I got a little 1:1 time with Nathan last night because he was up late due to napping late. I played with him and made him laugh and it was so fun. He let me rock him to sleep (not usual but he has an ear infection) and I just savored that time with him. I picked Oliver up from the bus while Taylor was here with the other kids and quickly ran him through a drive thru for ice cream and chatted with him about school on the way. I patched Eleanor's eye and chatted with her about Butterfly Wonderland (which we visited yesterday with Josh's preschool class fieldtrip) and then spun her in circles and tickled her. I made Josh laugh tonight and told him that he's my "garbage hero" when he emptied all of the garbage cans in the house today. I gave the babies lots of kisses and hugs and sang them personalized songs throughout the day. I'm trying to connect with each of them, and with Wendel, and keep everyone organized and keep up with the house, etc. It's a lot, for sure. When I think of how crazy it is and how hard it is to keep up, when I see moms with two kids (by choice) look at me like I'm crazy for having five (that happened twice this week - two different mom friends of mine), when I feel like I'm drowning or I doubt myself or wonder if I'm failing them and how we'll make it, I think about the strong promptings I had about the babies. That our family wasn't complete. And how perfectly they have completed our family. It is hard, yes. It is messy and not graceful. But we are doing it. And there's a lot of joy along the way.

A little bit of hope

We started marriage counseling this week. I suggested it. Wendel really did not want to do it and felt that it was a personal attack that I even brought it up. I have brought it up a couple of times over the past couple of years but never pushed for it - only after a big disagreement and just in passing. This time I pushed for it but with the argument that I want us to work on our communication (neither of us have a good example of this to look to with our parents) and make sure we're focusing on us so we can be strong for our family. He agreed to do it, though not thrilled. I felt a lot better after we left the therapist's office. I feel like this could help, at least help me vent about the stressors in our family and bounce it off of a neutral person. It gives me a little bit of hope.

Crisis Mode

Life has never been harder or more stressful than it is now. It scares me because I feel like we can't pull out of it and may not ever be able to. The stress from our children's struggles weighs heavily in our home and on my heart and mind constantly. It is now affecting our marriage in a way that it hasn't in the past. We are taking our stress out on each other and then get easily offended and hurt by it and don't feel connected or communicate as well as we used to and it all seems so incredibly overwhelming and difficult. And tonight I screamed at Oliver at dinner time (the WORST time of the day). Wendel was at a wedding reception (after being with the kids all day while I was at Super Saturday) and I was trying to get dinner started. I had taken the boys with me earlier to vacuum out Wendel's truck (I cleaned it out for him as part of his Christmas gift, which I'm making good on a bit late) and while we were there, I let the boys get a gum ball each from the machine inside. So fast forward to dinnertime and I asked the boys to spit out the their gum in the garbage (because Oliver was playing with his in his hands). They ignored me. I asked again. Nothing. Again. And again. Oliver finally stood up and started to walk around the kitchen but then said, "I'm going to take it up to my room instead." I told him that's not what I asked him to do and that I wanted to throw it away. He again said he was going to take it to his room and I lost it. I started screaming (and I do mean screaming, not yelling) at him about being respectful and doing as he is asked. He just looked at me like he was debating if he was going to start laughing and that made me even more upset. I could feel the stress coming out in my words. I picked up a book that was on the counter and slammed it down (so hard that it hurt my hands). I was so frustrated and upset and discouraged. Oliver finally shrugged his shoulders and threw his gum away. I turned to see Josh walk out of the room. "Joshua! Where are you going?!?" He yelled angrily that he was spitting his gum out and then I remembered he had taken the trash can into the front room when they were cleaning up glass Eleanor broke by the front door. Josh started sobbing so I went in there and held him in my arms. I felt so horrible that I had lost it and screamed at them. It took a long time for Josh to calm down, to stop the sobbing. I noticed his tics intensified during this time as well. As we talked through his feelings, he told me he felt scared because I screamed. That's the last thing I want him to feel - I don't seek to teach out of fear. My heart sank in deep regret. I apologized and asked for forgiveness and asked him to apologize and then we made a deal that we would both try harder to listen quickly and not yell. I had a similar talk with Oliver and they went to bed on an okay note but Josh never did eat his dinner. I think he lost his appetite.

Then Wendel came home and we had a big fight. I don't want to recount it but it was over stupid stuff. We just are both so stressed out and we're taking it out on each other. There is so much weighing on my shoulders with Oliver's ODD and his bleak outcome (it can't be "cured" and nothing is working to change his behavior and it's affecting his self esteem, friendships, school, and especially our family life) and Anxiety, Josh's anxiety and new diagnosis of Tic Syndrome (high risk for Tourette Syndrome), Eleanor losing her contacts and the worry I feel that she will lose vision in that eye because she doesn't wear them enough and we aren't patching enough, the worry I feel about her upcoming surgery and how she is going to view herself once she gets to kindergarten, the babies with their helmets, our messy, chaotic home, and most heartbreaking, the stress all of this is causing on our marriage. Because if we aren't on the same team, I just don't even know how I can navigate this. I'm starting to lose some positivity and it's so incredibly difficult and scary.

I have to remember to keep an eternal perspective and rely heavily on my Heavenly Father and Savior and to trust in them.  I sometimes wonder how we can handle twins babies on top of what we have going on but the promptings were strong and they are here for a a reason. The atonement is real. I do all I can and it fills in the gaps.

So tired. Going to bed.

Mental Illness

I'm coming to terms with the fact that Oliver has a mental illness. I think it is easier to view him this way, rather than thinking he is healthy and just being a jerk. He is far from healthy. He is verbally abusive, emotionally falling apart, his self esteem is suffering, his pain is overwhelming. I think we are ready to try medication, for Oliver's sake and for the sake of our family dynamic. I think Josh's anxiety is greatly affected by Oliver's behavior, as well as Oliver's anxiety.

I took Oliver's baptism and 8-year-old pictures at the Gilbert Temple today. I just looked at them and can hardly believe how grown up he looks. It makes me sad in a way because I feel like I am failing him and the older he gets, the more I feel that way. Like he is further out of my grasp and will remember negative interactions more. I also saw pictures of me on that camera card and I was surprised by how old and exhausted I look. Life has definitely taken a toll these past several years.

Falling asleep...

Overwhelmed

It's almost midnight and it's been a long day but I had to write for a few minutes because I'm feeling sad tonight. I think for a long time it was easy to have a positive attitude because that is the disposition I was blessed with. I see the glass half full and try to give others the benefit of the doubt. But things are hard and stressful and I can see that slipping away from me a little bit, especially in regards to Oliver (and how I feel like I don't know how to help him) and in regards to our marriage (which has a lot of stress placed on it right now, more than ever before). I feel overwhelmed, especially because Taylor (our part-time nanny) will only be with us another month. That thought is very scary.

It is very discouraging feeling like the things I do don't make a difference. With Oliver, with Wendel, with Josh, with our house being a mess, with pretty much everything.

Falling asleep typing...

Recent frustrations

I seriously don't know if I will ever feel on top of things again. Will our house be messy for the next ten years? Josh had a playdate with a friend the other day. I picked him up and took the kids to the park. He asked why we couldn't have the playdate at our house. I told him I thought it would be fun to go to the park because it was a nice day. Then he said, "Your house is so messy." He turned to Josh and said, "Your house is such a messy house." Granted, he has only been in it one time, but he isn't wrong. I seriously cannot keep up with it right now. I have a housecleaner come every other Monday and on that day, it is so nice and clean and I feel this burden being lifted off of my shoulders. But it reminds me of the fairytale Cinderella where it's only a matter of time until things start to unravel at a rapid pace.

And the judgement is really hard for me. I shouldn't let it get to me but it does. Not just things kids say (but that hurts a little too - I've had two kids comment on how messy our car is) but it's worse with adults. I confided in a friend of mine that we think Josh may be on the autism spectrum and we're on a waiting list to get him tested. I felt very vulnerable and debated even saying anything. I only did because I've felt she has judged him in the past based on his behavior during transitions...which do not go smoothly for him most of the time, or how he won't make eye contact with her and looks at the ground and acts grumpy and very shy. And how she comments on it every time, as though she wouldn't allow her child to act that way. (In fact, regarding Oliver's behavior, she told me, "I wouldn't allow that in my home." So what she's basically saying is it's a parenting issue and it's our fault.) So I told her about Josh and she said, "Not to be rude but are you sure you're not just thinking he's autistic because it's all the rage to have an autistic kid these days?" Prefacing it with "Not to be rude" did not take away the sting I felt, as though she had just slapped me across the face. Who says that? And really, does she think I want to have an autistic child because it's "all the rage?" It felt so insensitive and hurtful.

And then I went visiting teaching with this same friend the other night and she said she had to get going home to her kids. We walked out together and she then invited me to her house to watch "The Hobbit" with some of our other friends, which is going to be a weekly thing. (We all did this together a while ago, watching Harry Potter once a week.) She said, "Sorry I didn't invite you. To be honest, I forgot." And then she proceeded to tell me how I needed to make going a priority to have some "me" time. I told her bedtime is pretty intense at our house and she said I did it for years while Wendel was at mutual so he can handle it. I told her I'm sure he can but I was thinking about how intense it gets and how it's so hard to do it alone and then I realized that wasn't even really the issue. I just didn't have any desire to go and hang out with these girls (all much younger than me) who have no idea of the challenges I'm struggling with and don't seem to want to know or care. This friend did ask about Josh and where we're at with the evaluation process. I told her I had a phone interview with one of the people we're on a waiting list with that lasted and hour and a half, to see if he would qualify for an evaluation (which he does, and which I was happy to tell her since she thinks it's just in my head because it's "all the rage" to have a kid on the spectrum). She said, "So the phone interview was to weed our the crazies?" I didn't say anything but I should have said, "No, not crazies. Just redirect people who have kids with different challenges who may not necessarily be on the spectrum." I don't know why I don't say what I think around her. I don't like making people feel uncomfortable and there are a lot of things I really like about this girl but it's at the point where I just don't feel like I can relate to her anymore. It's just different when you have kids with special needs. People don't get it. I definitely value and appreciate those non-judgmental friends I have and try to be that for others.

And on that note, I am sick (again) due to lack of sleep, so I am off to sleep. Wendel and Oliver are in Seattle for Connor's baptism (Oliver's cousin) and tomorrow will be a long day, I think.

So incredibly tired...

It is past midnight and I need to be asleep. But everyday I think about this blog and how I would love to sit down and type...to vent my feelings. Even as I typed that line, I closed my eyes for a minute or so and was falling asleep. The days are so busy, so much of a whirlwind. We are in full survival mode. This is a very demanding time and the past couple of days, in particular, have been very trying. I have zero patience at dinner time when I'm trying to get food on the table, both babies are screaming, Oliver is usually angry or hurt about something, the other two aren't listening, everything is loud and chaotic, Wendel isn't home yet, the kitchen is a mess...I yelled at the kids yesterday. The kind of yelling where I regret it immediately but can't stop and then feel like I burned every bridge I've tried to build over the past several years. Some days I feel like I've got this 5-kid-thing. It's not so bad. And then I have days like yesterday and today and I seriously question our decision to have five children. And then I remember the very strong promptings we had about the babies and the talk "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" by Elder Holland and I know, with certainty, that we acted on promptings of the Spirit and that these children were sent to us with purpose.

Still, life is so difficult and demanding right now. It's exhausting, messy, chaotic, a time of second guessing my parenting, wondering if I am doing enough, giving enough to each child, ...

And again I just caught myself falling asleep. The babies are teething and get up in the night. Eleanor has night terrors and nightmares and gets up in the night. Sometimes Josh has an occasion nightmare and gets up in the night. My alarm goes off and 6:00 to start the day. I rarely sit at all throughout the day and usually don't have a minute to myself. I am so very grateful for our family. But so incredibly tired.