A brief update

We're nine months into this pandemic. It has been a difficult year. The vaccination is now available for health care providers and teachers. My mom is a teacher's aid and is going to get it in the next couple of weeks. Since we have been able to go back to church in person (it has been several months now), we have divided the ward by last name - the first half on one Sunday and the second half the next. The group that didn't go in person would do in-home church and more recently, watch it broadcasted. The chapel was pretty sparse with people. Everyone was grouped with families only and then one bench blocked off for social distancing and then another family on the bench after that. Today was the first Sunday we have had our entire ward meet together since the pandemic started. I saw some families I haven't seen since March. As I looked around, tears came to my eyes. I have missed our ward family. I have missed the unity and feeling that comes with all of us filling the chapel and cultural hall. Listening to the songs about our Savior and singing hymns of praise, I felt peace and joy. I don't want to ever take for granted being able to worship in our chapel together. To sing (for a while we couldn't sing - only listen to the organ during the hymns), listen to musical numbers and members bearing their testimonies. As I walked across the cultural hall after church, I still felt a pang of sadness because that is where my exercise class was and I miss it so much. But things will not always be this way. Looking forward to brighter days ahead.

Thought download - overwhelm

 I feel overwhelmed about our house. I walk into it and feel anxiety. There is clutter on every shelf, every surface, toys, shoes, clothes and trash on the floor. The kitchen floor is dirty and there is a laundry basket with overflowing clothes in the kitchen, outside of the laundry room because the boys broke the washing machine recently while playing hide and seek in it and the laundry is piling up. I feel like I am wading through sand or water, up to my waste, as I tell myself I can do this and begin on a task. I begin to load the dishwasher and get pulled away numerous times. The twins are fighting, Eleanor wants to get the paints out or wants me to read with her, Josh is upset and raging, Oliver wants to tell me something. All of these things are important and I want to give my attention to them. Then I go back to the dishwasher, only to be interrupted again. It's time to encourage the twins to go potty and they want me to be in the bathroom with them. Or it's their nap time and I need to change them and put the in the Excursion and give them their sippy cups. While they nap, I need to patch Eleanor. That is our special time before we pick up Josh and Oliver gets home from school. I may have started the dishwasher by this time but sometimes not. And that is one task of many. When I look around our house, it looks like nothing has been done. There are still dishes in the sink because with a family this big, there always are. The high counter has stuff piled on it. I clear it and it's back to looking like this within a few days. The play kitchen has so many clothes on it, they are falling off. The glass on the TV stand has dirty steaks on it and has for years but that can't be a priority right now. Not when we can't even walk to the couch without tripping on something. Last night after we read scriptures as a family, Wendel walked across the room to go upstairs and tripped over some train tracks and fell. He hurt his ankle and was pretty grumpy. Then there is bedtime, which takes until about 10-10:30 every night and last night Wendel was with Josh until about 11:30. I think I will get stuff done at night but by the time I do one small task and sit down to relax, it's almost midnight. The responsibilities are many with children who have so many needs, especially the mental and emotional ones, and things have been very difficult lately in that regard. I feel like I can't keep up, like I'm sinking in quicksand, trying to keep my head up to breathe and so much depends on me. My perfectionism tendencies also don't help. I get into an "all or nothing" mentality and then feel like I'm failing if I can't do it all (which I never can anymore). I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, I have had suicidal thoughts (not specific - only general), anxiety and possible depression. I know I need to minimize but that takes time. Even sorting through toys and books takes time I don't feel like I have. I will do a little but it doesn't seem like enough to make a difference.

Unintentional Model

Circumstance: I have many demands on me, including five children, three of whom have special needs of some kind and twin toddlers. 

Thoughts: I can't keep up. I'm drowning. I feel shame about our house. I don't want to have anyone over. I don't want to be here. I'm embaressed when our kids' friends come over or when people come to the door. I feel like I should be able to handle this but I can't. Having company over requires about a week of prep time. If anyone drops by unexpectedly, I start feeling anxious. 

Facts: There is clutter in our home and toys and clothes on the floor. Perfectionism is holding me back. 

Actions: Give myself a pep talk and do what I can. 

Results: A little bit gets done but I still feel very overwhelmed. 

Intentional Model

Circumstance: I have many demands on me, including five children, three of whom have special needs of some kind and twin toddlers. 

Thoughts: What if this is exactly how it is supposed to be right now? What if the experiences I'm having with difficulty keeping up and feeling overwhelmed will help me learn and grow and help others? What if this is the exact thing I need to help me understand that progress will serve me better than perfection? 

Facts: There is clutter in our home and toys and clothes on the floor. Perfectionism is holding me back. 

Actions: Make three house goals each day and check them off. Reward myself for completing them. 

Results: Making progress is satisfying and will help me remain calm and centered.

Drawing strength from my ancestors

Lately I have been very interested in my family history. I have been interested in my family history in general for a long time - definitely at least since I went to Ricks College when I was 19 years old and took a family history class there. I don't remember a lot about it and I don't remember stories or ancestors making an impression on me. I mostly remember entering dates and stuff like that. I recently logged into Family Tree app because I am creating a TIMF card, which has a picture of an ancestor on the front and my family pedigree chart on the back. The purpose is to share the card with non-members to explain about family history work and why it's important, which is a great missionary tool. I realized there is a "memories" tab under each person and some of them have life sketches or life histories and there are pictures and sometimes funeral programs, pictures of the grave sites, etc. As I have been reading these histories, I have often stopped and appreciated the strength of these women who came before me. They did hard things and many of them had faith that I admire. I want to write down the things that are inspiring me about these women so I can draw on their experiences when I need strength and encouragement and so I can share them with Eleanor at some point.

Sidonie Eliza Constance Bunot Roberts

• Her parents locked in her in room often out of necessity when she was a little girl because they were planning to leave France to go to the United States and her grandfather's family wanted to take her to keep her there with them. I can only imagine what this was like for her. She was an only child, very young and must have felt lonely and bored.
• In 1861, they traveled from France to London, England and then sailed to America, arriving in New York in June of 1861. Over the next month, they traveled by steam boat and railway until they reached Florence, Nebraska. They then traveled across the plains with other Saints (about 500, led by John R. Murdock) and arrived in SCL, Utah on September 12, 1861. Sidonie was born in 1856, which means she was only five years old when they arrived in Utah after that long journey! That is quite an extensive traveling experience for such a young child, especially under difficult conditions (she mentioned being sea sick on the boat and being scared of coyotes and "indians" while crossing the plains). 
• Her parents spoke French in their home. She learned English from other children and would interpret for her mom wherever they went, as her mother never learned to speak English well. I can imagine it would be difficult to translate all the time as a young child. 
• In February 1862, her father, Joseph, took a plural wife. Sidonie would've been six years old at this time. I am trying to imagine how she must have felt to have basically a stepmother living with her and her parents. I think the dynamics of that arrangement would be difficult for a young child to understand (and I wonder how her mother and father felt about it as well). 
• Sidonie's mother got very sick and passed away on December 3, 1866. Sidonie would have been ten years old when her mother died and turned 11 one month after. It was just before Christmas and that must have been even more difficult for her, not only that first year but every year after. 
• Sidonie's father left shortly after with a surveying crew for the railroad and was gone for about a year. Sidonie was left with her stepmother, Louise (Richard), who was kind to her and tried to be a good mother. She had two kids of her own at this point. Sidonie often watched the children while her stepmother worked. Sidonie said this was a very difficult time while her father was gone and that he was gone such a long time, they thought "he was killed by indians." They were all joyful and relieved when he returned.
• When he was only 6 years old, Sidonie's half-brother, Joseph, died. The history doesn't specify how but I can only imagine this would be so sad for Sidonie, who spent time with Joseph and cared for him while his mother was at work. He was also probably her playmate, as he was older than his other sibling. 
• When Sidonie was 14, her father married another wife, who lived with them, Ann Hunt Price. She was only 18 and Sidonie's father was 42. I can imagine this may have been a difficult adjustment, especially after losing her mother four years prior. Ann was also only four years older than Sidonie at the time of their marriage, which may have felt uncomfortable for Sidonie. 
• When Sidonie was 17 years old, she married Tom Roberts, who was 21 in 1873. They had twin boys but one of them, Joseph, only lived for 35 days. They had 11 more children after the twins. Losing a child must have been heart wrenching. This child had the same name as her half brother, who also passed away young. 
• This part I will quote from the history: "Thomas had been invited to join his brother, Arthur, in a partnership in the mercantile business in Star Valley, Wyoming. He talked it over with Sidonie and they decided to accept the offer. Sidonie realized it meant giving up her nice home in the city for a crude log cabin in undeveloped territory, but she was no stranger to pioneering. She had five sons growing up and they would all soon need to be employed profitably. She was willing to make the sacrifice and was not afraid of this new adventure." I love that Sidonie looked at the big picture and was willing to sacrifice for her family, especially her children and what would be best for them. 

I feel like I don't have much left to give...

 My feelings are raw tonight. Sometimes I feel like I just don't have anything left to give, like the demands placed on me are greater than I can respond to. I hold it together for so long...the big emotions, the meltdowns, the contention, the rude words, the "I hate yous," the spitting in my face (Zach's new favorite way to show he's not happy with me), the potty accidents, the messes (This morning the twins turned on the bathtub while I was downstairs making Josh's and Eleanor's lunches and turned the faucet so it got water all over the floor and leaked into the laundry room downstairs. They also squirted toothpaste out of the tube all over the bathroom floor. I was too rushed to take care of it to stop to take a picture this time.), bedtime that takes FOREVER (it takes Josh hours to fall asleep and it often takes Nathan a really long time as well), the night terrors (Poor Zach. Poor Mom.), Josh constantly coming into our bed throughout the night (no matter how many times I take him back to his room), sleeping on the twins' floor half of the night (and then sneaking back into our bed for an hour before Zach wakes up for the day only to find Josh in there...again), Zach waking up at 5:30, trying to get him to fall back asleep on the couch downstairs - but first he wants a cheese stick...dropping off, picking up, making dinner, hearing complaints about dinner, asking Eleanor about school and having her ignore my questions with a grumpy expression on her face (even though she loves school and is very pleasant while she is there - it's just me), cleaning up something just to have it messy again an hour or so later, constantly fighting the screen time battle, trying different medications with Josh and navigating their horrible side effects, not even having a minute to myself to pee without someone banging on the door or crying, not being able to shower without an audience or breaking up a fight, someone needing me every minute of the day, feeling stretched so thin, not being able to meet my kids' demands for my attention as often as they would like, feeling ashamed of our house, not having the mental energy to make much headway on our house, feeling like Wendel and I are passing ships - we barely get a few words in without being interrupted and when he is here, we're in kid mode, reading scriptures and doing bedtime and he often falls asleep on Josh's bed...patching Eleanor's eye and staying on top of her appointments, convincing Josh to get dressed in the morning for school...bribing him with a prize from the prize bin if he will so we won't be late, wondering how to help him, researching, calling doctors, looking into medications and also homeopathy approaches, trying to fit in scriptures and sometimes exercise, dishes and laundry - repeat each day...feeling isolated from so many because of our kids' challenges, feeling a bit of shame and sadness because people don't understand and think we're not good parents, praying and fasting, striving to repair, apologizing a lot, wondering if survival mode will ever end. Even after I typed those words, I sat here with my fingers hovering over the keys and my eyes closed...I am so tired. 

Ever since Josh had aggression side effects from Vyvanse and would rage for 1.5 - 2 hours, the twins have mimicked the yelling and especially the words. (Stupid, idiot, I hate you, you're so stupid, and their personal favorite - "butt cheek.") I don't know how to stop it and I'm exhausted trying. I've tried everything and nothing works. Tonight the twins were in the bath and I was about to get in the shower. They were fighting over a blue plastic bowling pin. I tried helping the solve the problem but it was only escalating. I tried taking it from their hands because they were getting so mad at each other and I thought they might hurt each other. Nathan then yelled in my face, "YOU'RE A BUTT CHEEK! I HATE YOU!" I just couldn't take it anymore. I was in flight or fight mode and I chose the later. I slapped my sweet boys' face and he fell back (off balance a bit - he was sitting down) and hit his opposite ear against the wall of the bathtub. And then I screamed. And it was not pretty. It was like I was getting everything I was feeling that I wrote about above off of my chest. But the words were aimed at Nathan. "Don't you ever call me that again!" Then I got in the shower and buried my face in my hands. Both Nathan and Zach were crying. Zach was angry and throwing things, yelling "You hurt my feelings!" and "You hurt me!" (The screaming really affected him, which is understandable.) Eleanor and I also had a disagreement about the way she spoke to me when she went to bed and she ended up putting herself to bed and fell asleep, angry and hurt.

I feel terrible, tired, exhausted, worn down, and like I don't know how I can keep doing this for the next 15 years. Tonight I feel like I failed my kids. I need to do better. I love them and they are precious to me. I am under so much stress and going on little sleep and I just snapped. Going to bed now.

Hurting for our boy

 I've heard that when you don't know what to write, just start writing and brain dump everything that's on your mind. Here goes. 

Josh's behavior is extremely challenging. It is affecting our younger kids and Josh's relationship with us as his parents. Oliver was like this to some degree and he is doing great. That gives me hope. Josh is angry and aggressive a lot of the time. Part of it is due to his new medication, Vyvanse, but he hasn't taken it the past couple of days. I think part of it is that he feels misunderstood and often feels blamed or singled out for his impulsive and aggressive behavior. Online school is hard. Thankfully my friend, Kristy Hoeh, offered to have him over three days a week to do school work with her son, Jimmy (who is friends with Josh and in his class). Josh can focus enough to get by with his meds but without, it's rough. Maybe an hour or so of schoolwork done. But with meds, there are side effects. Stomach aches, decrease in appetite and extreme rage when it wears off. Throwing things, screaming, even aggressive to himself. My exhaustion has hit a new all time level. We're changing meds. We're changing schools. The twins imitate his behavior. They yell things at me that are disrespectful and I would be embarresed for any of my friends to hear. 

I am worried about Josh's self esteem. I am worried about my relationship with him. Somehow he isn't feeling our love.

For myself, I feel isolated. We went to our friend's home for dinner and a birthday party for their daughter last month. These friends moved here recently from WA. I have known Julie for 13 years. We were in our BASW programs together. She, Jessica and I were close and stuck together through the program. I feel like people like me an I have good raport and a good friendship with them...until they spend time with our kids. I didn't want her opinion of me to change. I didn't want to fall into that category with her of "I can't believe you let your kids walk all over you" or "I would never let my kid get away with that." She didn't say these things to me and it's not fair to put words into her mouth. I guess I'm a little nervous because years ago, another friend called me. We had previously been in their home several times for dinner, hanging out, etc. with our kids. Eleanor is their daughter's good friend. We were planning to spend Thanksgiving in their home, I believe it was. Or maybe just getting together for dinner - I can't remember the details. But I remember where I was standing in our kitchen, near the laundry room when she said, "We really want you guys to come - just maybe not your kids." Then she laughed as though she was kidding. This was a family event - everyone else was bringing their kids. It was difficult not to take it personally. This is the same friend who once told me, "We don't necessarily think you're a BAD mom..." and the same friend who once came to our house to pick up Eleanor for dance and the older boys were running around the house, being loud and teasing each other. This friend said, "Goodness, you're raising a bunch of hulligans over here!" My reaction must have been pretty transparent on my face because she said, "You're not really offended that easily are you?" I told her it actually was hurtful but I know her heart and know she didn't mean to be hurtful. It's just a sensitive subject. 

It'ts not that we haven't tried to discipline - we've done everything you can think of. Consequences, positive parenting, researching the experts in the field of ADHD and anxiety, 1:1 time, rewards, other incentives, notes under pillows, etc. We continue to see defiant, angry, aggressive, negative behavior and don't know how to make it stop. Oliver has come so far. He has matured and is doing great for the most part. But my heart hurts for Josh. He has ADHD, anxiety, Tic Syndrome and OCD and I don't know how to help him. There is so much going on in our house. It's loud a lot and overwhelming. It's difficult to find the time to keep up with it and I think that contributes to everyone's anxiety. 

My eyes are closing and staying closed for longer periods of time. I need to go to sleep. It helps to jot a few things down, even if it's not a perfect sharing.

Closing a Chapter

I have lots of thoughts and emotions today and lately and journaling helps me sort it all out. Wendel got a vasectomy today. It is something we gave a lot of thought to and we were prayerful about. It is a big decision that we didn't take lightly. A couple of months after the twins were born, we went to Wendel's vasectomy appointment together. I scheduled it. The doctor asked Wendel if he was 100% certain he did not want to have any more children and was okay with being sterile and Wendel said yes. He then asked me the same question. While my mouth said, "yes," tears welled up in my eyes and poured down my cheeks. I told him I was just emotional but okay with it. The doctor said he didn't feel comfortable proceeding and that we should talk it over more and reschedule. It was weird because I truly didn't think I wanted to have any more children. We certainly had our hands full. But it seemed so final. Such a big decision. I thought of people who struggled with fertility and how unfair it was that we were choosing to give up that opportunity that so easily came to us. I was still very emotional from the pregnancy hormones and wasn't ready to make that commitment yet. Wendel wasn't mad, just surprised. He said he would laugh if I got pregnant.

There have been a few times I thought I was pregnant since then. Once was while we were in New Orleans a year and a half ago. I had every pregnancy symptom - other than my period being late, and that was only because with my IUD, I rarely get periods anymore. (I'm not complaining about that.) I was so convinced I was pregnant, I used one morning of free time (while the guys were at the convention working) to walk several blocks to the nearest pharmacy and purchase some pregnancy tests. I hadn't even told Wendel because I didn't want to cause him any unnecessary stress. I was kind of surprised the test was negative. I tested the next day and it was negative as well. After a couple of more similar situations over the years, I learned that Peri-menopausal  symptoms mimic pregnancy symptoms. (Why did no one ever tell me this?) Even though I'm 40 and I have an IUD, I still felt so nervous when I took those tests. I had a pit in my stomach, wondering how on earth I could possibly have another baby - go through pregnancy and labor again while taking care of five active, demanding children. Our kids need so much attention from me and I can't ever seem to give them enough or do a good enough job of dividing it equally among them, although it isn't for lack of trying. I love all of them immensely but often feel stretched so thin and feel so overwhelmed and exhausted that I don't have much left to give in the way I would like to.

Several months ago, I prayed about our family being complete and I felt the Spirit wash over me. I had a confirmation and felt peace about it. Still, as the time for Wendel's vasectomy grew closer, I continued to pray and fasted last Sunday, just to be sure that this was an okay decision to make for our family, in accordance with our Heavenly Father's desire and plan for our family. Again, I felt peace. Not a strong wash of peace like before, but peace to proceed. I spoke with my good friend, Amy Cooley, about it, and felt good after our conversation. She listened and was supportive and I needed that. Wendel and I also talked and felt this would be in the best interest of our family - best for our children and for us - taking into consideration mental and physical health, the demands placed on us, and our children's individual needs.

The only hesitation I had was that Eleanor will never have a sister. I have gone back and forth with this. Part of me loves that she is my only daughter. I love being able to tell her, "You're my favorite girl in the whole world!" I think it's good that she won't have a sister to compare herself to. I worried that with her eye, she might feel less than and I would never want that for her. But tonight my heart broke a little when she curled up on my lap in the family room a little bit before bedtime and started to cry, telling me she wants a sister. She has asked for a sister several times before and I have either brushed it off or told her she's only going to have brothers until they get married and then their wives will be her sisters. But tonight she told me how her brothers are mean to her and she just wants a sister to play with. I told her I understand but there won't be any more babies coming to our family. "But how do you know?" she asked. "Maybe Heavenly Father will send another baby to our family. You don't know!" I explained that moms and dads can choose not to have any more babies come to their family and that Dad and I made that choice. She looked into my eyes with tears welling up in hers and then laid her head against my chest. My heart definitely broke for her. I told her I would always be there for her and that she could call me anytime when she's older and we can do fun girl things together now. That brought on a whole other round of tears as she told me how she doesn't get 1:1 time with me anymore. (Our 1:1 time was stripped away with the stay-at-home order and I need to get it going again.)

The procedure was painful for Wendel and he's been sleeping since early this evening. I appreciate him taking a hit for the team. Here's to a new chapter. It's kind of exciting to think of entering the next phase - soon we will leave diapers behind us and someday we will sleep through the night, play family games together (with everyone), go camping (with everyone), etc. Lots to look forward to.

Six weeks of quarantine: I've hit a wall.

Has it only been six weeks since Spring Break when I took the older kids to Skateland and the pandemic hadn't taken affect yet? It seems like at least three months. It started out pretty good. I'm a positive person and saw many positives to draw on from this time at home together. Before the boys' school set up assignments to turn in, I felt like we were in a good groove with our daily schedule. We had allotted time for something creative, quiet time, outside time, etc. We flew kites, went butterfly hunting, went on a virtual field trip and wrote about animals we learned about, made lots of creative projects, etc. But now it feels very unbalanced. Oliver gets through his quickly and then wants to watch Minecraft videos on youtube for as long as I will possibly let him (and I have mom-guilt about too much screen time). Josh's ADHD is much more of the inattentive type and it takes a very long time to get through one assignment and I have to be sitting right next to him. That wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have three younger kids demanding my attention. Eleanor acts out because she doesn't get it as often as she is used to and the twins are making so many messes and trying to escape (and Nathan did the other evening - the police were called and I am expecting CPS to come any time now. Eleanor was also missing for about an hour because she hopped on her bike to go find him and didn't come back right away like the boys did - that story later). It's difficult for me to keep up with the house, I'm exhausted because I always need to be "on" and helping someone, there aren't any breaks, there isn't a lot to look forward to, I don't have much evening time by the time the twins go to sleep around 9:30, Zach is often up with a night terror in the night, and he is up for the day at 5:30 (he will not cuddle with me while I sleep - he gets very upset if we don't go downstairs right away and then he will wake other kids up). Due to the school work taking so long, we are doing less fun things. We still go on our daily bike ride to Butterfield most days to get lunch. That helps. But every day feels long and difficult and quite honestly, I am a lot less patient lately. Today especially. I feel badly complaining, especially because I read a scripture in Timothy this morning about not complaining or disputing and I did both today - but I need to vent and this is a good place to do it. I need a recharge - I miss working out with my dance friends at the church in the mornings. I miss having a few hours on Wednesdays to myself while Eleanor was at preschool and the twins were at Cindy's. I miss being able to grab a nutritional shake from Copa Craze (not sure that it's even open at this point) or Chipotle without wearing a mask and feeling like I might get Covid-19 from touching something. The other day I got gas for the first time since the pandemic started (I haven't driven much in the past 6 weeks but I do often nap the twins in the Excursion in the driveway while the AC is on and the doors are locked (we have a keypad on the outside of the driver door so I can lock it securely while they sleep and check on them frequently - it's basically the only way they will nap) and I wore a mask and disposable gloves while I pumped the gas. I miss seeing friends and going to church. I miss being able to find things I need at the grocery store and I miss shopping at Goodwill on ocassion for good finds. The kids fight a lot and there is just never a time when I can have some down time to recharge. I love them and I have seen many positives come from this time together but lately I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed, unbalanced, exhausted, emotional, unmotivated, and I'm noticing I'm buffering a lot (turning to my phone, eating chocolate, etc). Every day feels the same and it's challenging. I am digging deep for some kind of self care tactic - riding our bikes to and from Butterfield and showering twice a week might be it. And on that note, I need to get to sleep because it is 11:11.

On the bright side, Lindsey went into inpatient treatment today. I am so incredibly grateful and happy that she made this decision. It has been a stressful couple of weeks as I have feared for her life.

Heartache

So many thoughts are going through my head right now. We have been "sheltering in place" for a little over a month now. That means the kids and I only leave the house to go on our daily bike ride up to Butterfield Elementary to get free food and then we sometimes go to the open field by our house to hang out there for a while and burn some energy (we have flown kites, did some butterfly catching, the kids love to burn things with a magnifying glass [not my favorite activity and they have to have water nearby to pour on if a fire starts], a scavenger hunt, playing chase / tag, or just eating food there). We have only driven in the Excursion a handful of times this past month and it always feels pretty weird when we do. I have seen lot of positives (less anxiety from school, no more early mornings to rush to the bus, no more bus and all that comes with it to deal with (thankfully!!), more intentional time (floor puzzles, reading, the other day I played "Candle on the Water" on the piano - I was singing and Oliver joined me in singing as well, even though he had never heard the song before), we have done lots of crafts and fun hands-on things, the older kids have slept on the trampoline, in the twins' room, etc.) and lots of fighting, patience tried, the twins get into everything and make messes, I don't have any time to devote to the house after helping with school work all day, I am drained, etc on the other side. But we are healthy and that is all that matters.

But tonight I'm logging in because my heart is heavy for my sister, Lindsey. She is amazing - so giving, fun, thoughtful and generally positive. She is also an alcoholic, which doesn't define her but is definitely something she has struggled with the past couple of years. She completed inpatient rehab a little over a year ago and was sober for a year. She did so great! She has since relapsed and just recently she did again. She had five days of sobriety this past week and it was amazing. I asked her if she would be willing to read scriptures with me and she said yes so we read every night of those five days. We shared our thoughts and insights, I ordered a Book of Mormon Journal Edition for her (because her old scriptures she marked up for Skye got lost) and she was so excited to write in that. We also read from the AA book together and that helped me understand her addiction a little more. But then she relapsed again. She texted and said she went to the liquor store and then shut me out for a couple of days. Justin called me yesterday and said she told him she wrote a suicide note and letter to Skye and where to find them. He told me he can't keep doing this and was letting me know so I could do with the info what I wanted. I spoke with Tyson and my mom. Mom went over to Lindsey's last night to check on her. We were all pretty concerned and just wanted to make sure she was okay. She was but had been sleeping all day and night and was very tired. Lindsey promised our mom to answer her calls or she would be right back there to check on her again (which Lindsey didn't appreciate).

Lindsey texted me this morning and said she's upset with herself and is going to get back on track. She said she was sorry for scaring me yesterday and that she slept all day. I called this afternoon and she said she was still sleeping. I called tonight and we talked and I'm pretty worried. This is what I wrote to Tyson after talking with her:

Sorry to text late. I just talked to Lindsey and I'm concerned that she's giving up. She said Justin keeps telling her she's an "F up" and that she can't heyy it together and should just go drink until she doesn't have a pulse. He said she doesn't even know how to parent and that he has to do it all himself. I brought up the suicide thing. She said she was drunk and upset when she said it to him but that she wouldn't actually commit suicide. But she did say she knows she is going to die if she keeps drinking like this but she is losing motivation to stop. She said something really concerning - that if she died, all of her money could go to Skye. And also, that she believes Justin wants her to die so they don't have to deal with her anymore and Justin can have someone else be the mother figure for Sky who has her life together. Lindsay was also really down about Justin calling his attorney and now she can only have supervised visits with Skye. She also said Justin talks bad about our family all the time and tells her if we really cared about her we would be there helping her but obviously we do not. I tried being really positive and focusing on her strengths, how valuable she is to Skye, how much worth she has, regardless of anything Justin or any other man ever says to her. She said Skye could live without her, just like she lived without a dad her whole life. I pointed out that she did and does still have a dad who is living and loves her, even though there have been some rocky times and she was not close to him when she was younger. I said that is very different than having a parent pass away. She was really emotional about Dad and cried a lot when she mentioned him. She said she does not really think Skye needs her but that she is not planning to kill herself. She just doesn't want to try anymore. But then at another time during the conversation, she said she is going to keep trying and not give up. I was pushing pretty hard for impatient right away, just paying cash and not waiting around for Medicaid to go through someday. She said she would rather save that money so she could buy a house for her and Skye in the future and I told her it's better to get help now so that she is still alive to have a house that she can work towards in the future with Skye. I think she was drinking - not totally wasted though. She was very emotional. On the bright side, Darrin was at her apartment, asleep. I am glad he is there with her and that she is not alone tonight. I really think Dad needs to call her. She is so hurt about him and I get it. A genuine, loving effort on his part would go so far with her, I think. I did try calling dad the other day to talk to him about what I knew at that point but he did not answer and did not call me back. Sorry to unload so much on you. I feel like you are the only person who really gets it and am I can talk to fully about it. I hope I did not wake you up. ....................................................................................................................................................................... My heart feels so heavy for her. I feel a little anxious, not knowing what will happen but fearing and almost knowing in the back of my mind that she will die young. It is scary to type those words. Tyson feels the same way. We know it is a very real possibility and don't know what to do. She has to be willing to take the step to get into inpatient. In the meantime, I am concerned for the state of her mental health + addiction + the concoction of alcohol, street drugs and prescription drugs she is putting into her body. I am worried for her life. I started a fast after I got off of the phone with her. I am fasting for her to have strength to resist temptation, comfort during this dark time and for her to recognize her worth. It is late and I need to get to sleep but wanted to share a few of my thoughts.

The difference a month makes...

It has been roughly a month since my last entry and already so much has changed. Our Nation, and many parts of the world, are experiencing a pandemic. The Corona Virus (COVID-19) has spread to the United States, including Arizona, and our county (Pinal). 1,413 people have tested positive in AZ so far and 29 people have died from the virus. It is very contagious and the elderly, as well as those with underlying health conditions, are at higher risk. Arizona Governor Doug Ducey has issued this order:

Under the Executive Order, Arizonans shall limit their time away from their place of residence or property, except:

• To conduct or participate in essential activities, and/or;
• For employment, to volunteer or participate in essential functions; or
• To utilize any services or products provided by essential business services;
• And for employment if as a sole proprietor or family owned business, work is conducted in a separate office space from your home and the business is not open to serve the public.

Schools are also closed for the remainder of the school year. Restaurants can only provide take out or delivery options. Church has moved to home-church and temples are closed. General Conference will not be held in the Conference Center this coming weekend. Only those speaking will attend (music has been pre-recorded). T-ball and baseball were cancelled for Eleanor and Josh. Karate was cancelled. The boys take piano lessons and meet with their teachers from school via Zoom. Eleanor picks up her preschool folder with worksheets and activities in it on Tuesdays from her teacher's front porch after dropping it off with completed work on Mondays. 

We have never experienced anything like this. Suddenly all five kids are home all day, every day. I am embracing "home schooling" (I'm using quotations because this probably doesn't look like the full homeschool experience kids have who homeschool regularly - we have suggested assignments from the boys' school but nothing mandated yet.) But we follow this daily schedule and it helps our day flow pretty well for the most part. 

The older kids are also expected to complete their daily checklists (dressed, teeth brushed, read, practice piano for the boys, jobs, patch for Eleanor) before they can have Disney+ time during quiet time, which motivates them. 

The daily bike ride helps. We have been riding up to the school (Butterfield) to get lunch (a sack lunch provided by people in masks with gloves on). I try to do fun things for creative time (today we made play dough). I think I'm doing okay but sometimes my patience wears thin. The days are long and exhausting. But we're getting used to our new normal and making it work. 

So many messes. Also, I'm exhausted.

I haven't written in a while - the holidays were a whirlwind of busyness and now the twins are in a stage that requires less sleep of me and I don't have a lot of energy or time to myself. But I have missed writing here, as it allows me to process my thoughts and feelings (which feelings result from my thoughts so they are very connected). I just took the boys to the bus and the other three kids will be awake soon (I'm surprised they aren't already). Wendel worked until 3am the night before last so he is catching up on a little sleep. Last night I went to bed as soon as I possibly could, after laying on the twins' floor with them to get them to sleep. That was about 10:10. I get up at 5:35 so that woul've been a little over 7 hours, but I was up six different times in the night. Twice with Zach, who woke up crying, so I laid next to him on his floor until he fell asleep, once with Josh who came into our room, so I walked him back to his bed, twice with Eleanor, who woke up once with a bad dream and once because she had to go to the bathroom, and a final time with Zach & Nathan, who were both crying together in their room, around 4:15 this morning. Eleanor was also in there with them, holding our kitten, Love. I had her go back to her room and I laid between the twins on the floor and fell asleep, missing my alarm. Luckily I woke up in time to get the boys to the bus, but we were a bit rushed. (We leave at 6:19 normally but left at 6:24 today.) My body is stiff from sleeping on the floor in the night. My head is foggy from the interrupted sleep. Overall, lately, (since coming back from San Antonio with Wendel a few weeks ago) I feel this weight on me. It kind of felt like a slap in the face going from feeling so carefree and rested to the twins switching to toddler beds right after we got home (they were climbing out of their cribs like monkeys so it had to be done but it is a difficult transition, especially x2). The older boys have strong dysregulated emotions, which they come by honestly with their diagnoses, but it is difficult all the same. They have struggled with this, as well as impulsiveness (which I think adds to the contention) for a long time but I am feeling the weight of it more lately. Maybe because I stopped therapy and journaling (for a time) and don't have much time for myself anymore with the twins' new schedule at night (they used to go to bed at 7:30 and now it's more like 9/9:30 on a good night. For a while it was 10:30/11, which was awful.). Maybe it is also because I am getting sick right now and that is so frustrating - because then it will go through my whole family and it takes so long to get back to full health. But my immune system is compromised because of the lack of sleep.

I don't want to give the impression that I don't value my role as a mother or don't appreciate this opportunity to raise and teach our children. There is so much I love and cherish about motherhood and our children. But I also need a place to vent a little, and this little spot is that place for me. And the reality is it is difficult. It is draining and exhausting. I sometimes feel like there are ropes tied around my body and someone is pulling on them, pulling me down toward the ground. There are so many demands and everyone needs me to be so many things for them. I want to do what I can but I feel the toll of it acutely. I look around our house and feel overwhelm. I clean up and it looks like this again. It is discouraging. I feel shameful about our house - how can it get to this point? The older kids do daily jobs and I do what I can but I can't keep up.

My view as I type. 

The twins are so busy and active - into everything. One mess after another. These are just from yesterday alone:

I was patching Eleanor's eye on the back porch, just outside of the kitchen, with the door open a little while this was happening. I had only been out there for about five minutes. I think they wanted to "cook" like Mom.

If you look closely, you can see water all over the kitchen floor. The twins love filling up cups of water and either accidentally or purposefully spilling them on the floor. I cycle through towels from the washer to the dryer to the kitchen floor and back to the washer again.

While I was getting ready for family scripture time and talking to the older kids about not fighting, the twins got on top of the cradenza in the front room and pulled the canvas photos off of the wall and the pictures off of cradenza.

And on that note, the twins are awake and the day has started. I do want to say that I do not regret our decision to have them. The promptings were so strong and our decision was intentional. I am glad they are here but man I am exhausted.