But tonight I'm logging in because my heart is heavy for my sister, Lindsey. She is amazing - so giving, fun, thoughtful and generally positive. She is also an alcoholic, which doesn't define her but is definitely something she has struggled with the past couple of years. She completed inpatient rehab a little over a year ago and was sober for a year. She did so great! She has since relapsed and just recently she did again. She had five days of sobriety this past week and it was amazing. I asked her if she would be willing to read scriptures with me and she said yes so we read every night of those five days. We shared our thoughts and insights, I ordered a Book of Mormon Journal Edition for her (because her old scriptures she marked up for Skye got lost) and she was so excited to write in that. We also read from the AA book together and that helped me understand her addiction a little more. But then she relapsed again. She texted and said she went to the liquor store and then shut me out for a couple of days. Justin called me yesterday and said she told him she wrote a suicide note and letter to Skye and where to find them. He told me he can't keep doing this and was letting me know so I could do with the info what I wanted. I spoke with Tyson and my mom. Mom went over to Lindsey's last night to check on her. We were all pretty concerned and just wanted to make sure she was okay. She was but had been sleeping all day and night and was very tired. Lindsey promised our mom to answer her calls or she would be right back there to check on her again (which Lindsey didn't appreciate).
Lindsey texted me this morning and said she's upset with herself and is going to get back on track. She said she was sorry for scaring me yesterday and that she slept all day. I called this afternoon and she said she was still sleeping. I called tonight and we talked and I'm pretty worried. This is what I wrote to Tyson after talking with her:
| Sorry to text late. I just talked to Lindsey and I'm concerned that she's giving up. She said Justin keeps telling her she's an "F up" and that she can't heyy it together and should just go drink until she doesn't have a pulse. He said she doesn't even know how to parent and that he has to do it all himself. I brought up the suicide thing. She said she was drunk and upset when she said it to him but that she wouldn't actually commit suicide. But she did say she knows she is going to die if she keeps drinking like this but she is losing motivation to stop. She said something really concerning - that if she died, all of her money could go to Skye. And also, that she believes Justin wants her to die so they don't have to deal with her anymore and Justin can have someone else be the mother figure for Sky who has her life together. Lindsay was also really down about Justin calling his attorney and now she can only have supervised visits with Skye. She also said Justin talks bad about our family all the time and tells her if we really cared about her we would be there helping her but obviously we do not. I tried being really positive and focusing on her strengths, how valuable she is to Skye, how much worth she has, regardless of anything Justin or any other man ever says to her. She said Skye could live without her, just like she lived without a dad her whole life. I pointed out that she did and does still have a dad who is living and loves her, even though there have been some rocky times and she was not close to him when she was younger. I said that is very different than having a parent pass away. She was really emotional about Dad and cried a lot when she mentioned him. She said she does not really think Skye needs her but that she is not planning to kill herself. She just doesn't want to try anymore. But then at another time during the conversation, she said she is going to keep trying and not give up. I was pushing pretty hard for impatient right away, just paying cash and not waiting around for Medicaid to go through someday. She said she would rather save that money so she could buy a house for her and Skye in the future and I told her it's better to get help now so that she is still alive to have a house that she can work towards in the future with Skye. I think she was drinking - not totally wasted though. She was very emotional. On the bright side, Darrin was at her apartment, asleep. I am glad he is there with her and that she is not alone tonight. I really think Dad needs to call her. She is so hurt about him and I get it. A genuine, loving effort on his part would go so far with her, I think. I did try calling dad the other day to talk to him about what I knew at that point but he did not answer and did not call me back. Sorry to unload so much on you. I feel like you are the only person who really gets it and am I can talk to fully about it. I hope I did not wake you up. ....................................................................................................................................................................... My heart feels so heavy for her. I feel a little anxious, not knowing what will happen but fearing and almost knowing in the back of my mind that she will die young. It is scary to type those words. Tyson feels the same way. We know it is a very real possibility and don't know what to do. She has to be willing to take the step to get into inpatient. In the meantime, I am concerned for the state of her mental health + addiction + the concoction of alcohol, street drugs and prescription drugs she is putting into her body. I am worried for her life. I started a fast after I got off of the phone with her. I am fasting for her to have strength to resist temptation, comfort during this dark time and for her to recognize her worth. It is late and I need to get to sleep but wanted to share a few of my thoughts. | |
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