Has it only been six weeks since Spring Break when I took the older kids to Skateland and the pandemic hadn't taken affect yet? It seems like at least three months. It started out pretty good. I'm a positive person and saw many positives to draw on from this time at home together. Before the boys' school set up assignments to turn in, I felt like we were in a good groove with our daily schedule. We had allotted time for something creative, quiet time, outside time, etc. We flew kites, went butterfly hunting, went on a virtual field trip and wrote about animals we learned about, made lots of creative projects, etc. But now it feels very unbalanced. Oliver gets through his quickly and then wants to watch Minecraft videos on youtube for as long as I will possibly let him (and I have mom-guilt about too much screen time). Josh's ADHD is much more of the inattentive type and it takes a very long time to get through one assignment and I have to be sitting right next to him. That wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have three younger kids demanding my attention. Eleanor acts out because she doesn't get it as often as she is used to and the twins are making so many messes and trying to escape (and Nathan did the other evening - the police were called and I am expecting CPS to come any time now. Eleanor was also missing for about an hour because she hopped on her bike to go find him and didn't come back right away like the boys did - that story later). It's difficult for me to keep up with the house, I'm exhausted because I always need to be "on" and helping someone, there aren't any breaks, there isn't a lot to look forward to, I don't have much evening time by the time the twins go to sleep around 9:30, Zach is often up with a night terror in the night, and he is up for the day at 5:30 (he will not cuddle with me while I sleep - he gets very upset if we don't go downstairs right away and then he will wake other kids up). Due to the school work taking so long, we are doing less fun things. We still go on our daily bike ride to Butterfield most days to get lunch. That helps. But every day feels long and difficult and quite honestly, I am a lot less patient lately. Today especially. I feel badly complaining, especially because I read a scripture in Timothy this morning about not complaining or disputing and I did both today - but I need to vent and this is a good place to do it. I need a recharge - I miss working out with my dance friends at the church in the mornings. I miss having a few hours on Wednesdays to myself while Eleanor was at preschool and the twins were at Cindy's. I miss being able to grab a nutritional shake from Copa Craze (not sure that it's even open at this point) or Chipotle without wearing a mask and feeling like I might get Covid-19 from touching something. The other day I got gas for the first time since the pandemic started (I haven't driven much in the past 6 weeks but I do often nap the twins in the Excursion in the driveway while the AC is on and the doors are locked (we have a keypad on the outside of the driver door so I can lock it securely while they sleep and check on them frequently - it's basically the only way they will nap) and I wore a mask and disposable gloves while I pumped the gas. I miss seeing friends and going to church. I miss being able to find things I need at the grocery store and I miss shopping at Goodwill on ocassion for good finds. The kids fight a lot and there is just never a time when I can have some down time to recharge. I love them and I have seen many positives come from this time together but lately I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed, unbalanced, exhausted, emotional, unmotivated, and I'm noticing I'm buffering a lot (turning to my phone, eating chocolate, etc). Every day feels the same and it's challenging. I am digging deep for some kind of self care tactic - riding our bikes to and from Butterfield and showering twice a week might be it. And on that note, I need to get to sleep because it is 11:11.
On the bright side, Lindsey went into inpatient treatment today. I am so incredibly grateful and happy that she made this decision. It has been a stressful couple of weeks as I have feared for her life.
No comments:
Post a Comment