Hurting for our boy

 I've heard that when you don't know what to write, just start writing and brain dump everything that's on your mind. Here goes. 

Josh's behavior is extremely challenging. It is affecting our younger kids and Josh's relationship with us as his parents. Oliver was like this to some degree and he is doing great. That gives me hope. Josh is angry and aggressive a lot of the time. Part of it is due to his new medication, Vyvanse, but he hasn't taken it the past couple of days. I think part of it is that he feels misunderstood and often feels blamed or singled out for his impulsive and aggressive behavior. Online school is hard. Thankfully my friend, Kristy Hoeh, offered to have him over three days a week to do school work with her son, Jimmy (who is friends with Josh and in his class). Josh can focus enough to get by with his meds but without, it's rough. Maybe an hour or so of schoolwork done. But with meds, there are side effects. Stomach aches, decrease in appetite and extreme rage when it wears off. Throwing things, screaming, even aggressive to himself. My exhaustion has hit a new all time level. We're changing meds. We're changing schools. The twins imitate his behavior. They yell things at me that are disrespectful and I would be embarresed for any of my friends to hear. 

I am worried about Josh's self esteem. I am worried about my relationship with him. Somehow he isn't feeling our love.

For myself, I feel isolated. We went to our friend's home for dinner and a birthday party for their daughter last month. These friends moved here recently from WA. I have known Julie for 13 years. We were in our BASW programs together. She, Jessica and I were close and stuck together through the program. I feel like people like me an I have good raport and a good friendship with them...until they spend time with our kids. I didn't want her opinion of me to change. I didn't want to fall into that category with her of "I can't believe you let your kids walk all over you" or "I would never let my kid get away with that." She didn't say these things to me and it's not fair to put words into her mouth. I guess I'm a little nervous because years ago, another friend called me. We had previously been in their home several times for dinner, hanging out, etc. with our kids. Eleanor is their daughter's good friend. We were planning to spend Thanksgiving in their home, I believe it was. Or maybe just getting together for dinner - I can't remember the details. But I remember where I was standing in our kitchen, near the laundry room when she said, "We really want you guys to come - just maybe not your kids." Then she laughed as though she was kidding. This was a family event - everyone else was bringing their kids. It was difficult not to take it personally. This is the same friend who once told me, "We don't necessarily think you're a BAD mom..." and the same friend who once came to our house to pick up Eleanor for dance and the older boys were running around the house, being loud and teasing each other. This friend said, "Goodness, you're raising a bunch of hulligans over here!" My reaction must have been pretty transparent on my face because she said, "You're not really offended that easily are you?" I told her it actually was hurtful but I know her heart and know she didn't mean to be hurtful. It's just a sensitive subject. 

It'ts not that we haven't tried to discipline - we've done everything you can think of. Consequences, positive parenting, researching the experts in the field of ADHD and anxiety, 1:1 time, rewards, other incentives, notes under pillows, etc. We continue to see defiant, angry, aggressive, negative behavior and don't know how to make it stop. Oliver has come so far. He has matured and is doing great for the most part. But my heart hurts for Josh. He has ADHD, anxiety, Tic Syndrome and OCD and I don't know how to help him. There is so much going on in our house. It's loud a lot and overwhelming. It's difficult to find the time to keep up with it and I think that contributes to everyone's anxiety. 

My eyes are closing and staying closed for longer periods of time. I need to go to sleep. It helps to jot a few things down, even if it's not a perfect sharing.