Bad day

Today was a difficult day. I feel really sad and overwhelmed but also so grateful. Zach got out of the front door twice today. The first time, he was awake before I came downstairs and was downstairs with Oliver watching a show. Wendel left for work and I went in to get Nathan out of his crib. When I went down with Nathan, I asked the kids where Zach was. No of them knew. I ran outside and found him up the street a few houses, on the sidewalk. I ran up there in my pjs and carried him home. Then later this morning, I was making a quinoa salad in the kitchen and the kids were playing. They were upstairs some of the time and between the living room and the front room. Nathan was in the kitchen with me (he likes to stay near me most of the time). I always keep the top lock locked on the front door but Oliver and Josh went through the front door to take out the trash and recycling and didn't lock it when they came back in. I was making food and wasn't thinking about it. I was busy with Nathan - he wanted to see what I was making. After a while, I checked on the kids and asked where Zach was. Nobody knew. I looked at the front door and saw the top lock was unlocked. My heart started racing. I had Josh and Norah look upstairs, and I did as well, after I couldn't see him up the street. I sent Oliver around the block to look for him, but before Oliver got back, I got Nathan and Norah in the Excursion to drive around looking for Zach, all the while praying for his safety. I left Josh in front of the house in case Zach came wandering back. (I didn't plan to drive very far.) As I slowly drove up our street, a police car slowly approached me. I rolled down my window and asked the officer if he had seen a toddler. He said his partner had him around the corner. I had tears in my eyes and my voice was shaky. He told me not to worry, that he was okay. I pulled up behind a car one street over. The woman had the back of her vehicle open and Zach was sitting there, with a blanket around him, next to her son. (I cringed as I realized he was naked and shoeless, other than his diaper because I undress them when they eat and I hadn't gotten him dressed for the day yet.) "I'm his mom," I said as I approached her and the other officer. "Thank you so much." The woman just looked at me with a look of "How could you not know you child was not in your house? What kind of mother are you?" She didn't say a word to me but turned around and walked away. I took Zach and held him to me, grateful he was safe. The officers said they would follow me home because they needed to see my license. I ran into the house to grab it and after recording the info, they asked if they could come inside to see the lock on the door and how he escaped. I showed them the top lock and the baby gate and said I always keep the top lock locked and explained what happened. The younger officer started walking through our home. He said he needed to see it and started walking upstairs without my permission. I knew they couldn't without a warrant but I also knew if I protested, it might make things worse and I wanted to be cooperative. I cringed at our messy house, the clutter everywhere. I was embarrassed about our house and the situation. How could I not know Zach was outside? Twice today? The senior officer was nice and understanding. I asked him if they were going to report it to CPS and told him I used to be an investigator. He didn't answer me directly at first but later said they have to and they're just doing their job. When the Jr officer came back downstairs, he opened the hall closet. The Sr officer told him to "stand down" and that I used to be an investigator and know the protocol. The jr officer asked me how I couldn't know Zach was gone for 15 minutes. I told him I thought he was with the other kids and that he plays well independently. He said that's a long time. I got the impression he doesn't have kids.

It's horrible being on this side of an investigation. I always imagined it would be. I have a different point of view now, being a mom of five busy, strong willed (and some mentally challenged) kids. My head hurts and I'm exhausted so I'm going to finish this tomorrow.

........................................

I feel like I was punched in the stomach when this happened on Friday and I'm still feeling the pain from it. I fasted today for gratitude that Zach is safe - that he wasn't hit by a car or kidnapped. I can't even let my mind go there because it is so horrifying to think about. Whether or not the report is substantiated, our boy is alive and here with us and nothing else matters in comparison to that.

2/27/20 Update: I still have not heard from CPS at this point and don't even think about them coming anymore. I am incredibly grateful.

I feel...

• Stressed
• Unorganized
• Like I have a physical weight bearing down on me.
• Messy
• Overwhelmed
• Sad
• Frustrated
• Sometimes discouraged
• Often judged
• Isolated in my specific mothering (in relation to those I associate with).
• Exhausted
• Blessed
• Strengthened
• Like this is a time of great learning and experience.
• Gratitude
• Love
• Often hope
• Faith

I came across this quote tonight while looking for recipe ideas on Pinterest. It was the first thing that popped up on my screen and it really resonated with me. Such a good reminder that being blessed and experiencing trails and disappointments are not mutually exclusive.

Tonight was a hard night, especially with Josh. Oliver was hard at this age (and still is but there has been growth in maturity for sure). Wendel reminded me of this the other day and it gives me a little hope. He had something tonight and when he came home and asked how bedtime went, I burst into tears. I am not the best version of myself lately. I am really struggling. As a perfectionist / overachiever, I am used to working extra hard and being able excel at my goals. I keep trying as a mother but fall short and it's so frustrating. 

Life Energy List for the Summer

1. What was life-giving?

Personal
Sabbath Practices - Come Follow Me, listening to a spiritual podcast while making dinner if possible
Journaling - Updating this blog on occasion helps me process.
Reading habits (scriptures, other) - Scripture reading was reduced but I still tried to fit in a little bit, even just a verse or two in the laundry room with the door closed really quickly. I made a little time in the evenings for a short period of time to read The Magnolia Story, which I borrowed from a friend. I enjoyed having a little reading time. I definitely had to cut out any TV time and couldn't multitask while reading (ie. folding clothes while watching a show).
Exercise - I kept this as a priority through the summer. It worked well that I could drop the boys off at summer camp at 8 and then go over to the church to exercise. I was always a bit late but some is better than none and it was a great way to start my day.

Relational
Family life at home - consistency and routines helped. Summer camp helped a lot because it kept us to a regular schedule.
Time with kids / 1:1 time? - Difficult to schedule 1:1 time but we went to the summer movie here in town weekly while Cindy watched the twins. That worked well and was nice time together.

Actionable
Daily checklists - this was both life-giving and life-draining. Really good for Oliver, more difficult for Josh and Norah.

Travel
What worked and didn't?


2. What was life-draining?

Personal



Relational



Actionable

I never want to forget...

Tonight I put the twins to bed and came downstairs. The other kids were in bed and Wendel was in with Josh, getting him to sleep. Nathan kept crying and jumping up and down in his crib so I finally went back up there and held him for a few minutes. I never want to forget the smile on his face, dimly lit by the bathroom light down the hall, and how he bounced up and down in my arms when I sang, "I am a Child of God." How he eagerly signed "more" after each verse, and then after "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" and finally "Silent Night." He finally lay in his crib with his bottle of water and let me put his blanket on him. I put Zach's on him as well. I never want to forget Zach's sweet voice as I left the room, saying, "Nigh nigh Mom." I am so blessed to have these two.

Picture taken in July 2019 in Grantsville, Utah (visiting my friend, Heidi Robinson)

P.S. Nathan just started crying and jumping in his crib again...which might not be the sweetest thing ever.

What parenting ADHD feels like

Parenting a child with ADHD often feels like:

• Isolation 
• Judgement
• Overwhelm
• Constant effort
• Mental fatigue
• Constantly learning
• Seeking to understand 
• Insanity (which by definition is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - in this case, putting my heart and time and energy into understanding my sons and continuing to see them struggle with big emotions, negative self talk, impulsiveness, and focus). 
• Can't keep up
• Concern
• Exhaustion
• Misunderstood by many
• Sadness for my boys at times
• Falling asleep sitting up because I'm so drained
• Constantly pouring out my own canteen and sporadically filling it up a little bit
• Needing time to unwind, which is only when everyone is asleep - therefore I am always tired

It also feels like:

• A world of new discoveries with so many things to learn about.
• Appreciation for connection when it happens.
• A sacred, special parenting ("To sacrifice is to make something sacred." - M. Russell Ballard)
• I have a specific purpose to advocate for my children.
• It forces me to prioritize the most important things.
• It brings me closer to my Heavenly Father, as I pray often and rely on Him to give us guidance through this process. 

The Gift of a Happy Mother - some thoughts on Mother's Day

The Gift of a Happy Mother: Letting Go of Perfection and Embracing Everyday Joy by Rebecca Eanes

A friend recommended this book to me and I bought it for myself for Mother's Day. Wendel took the older kids to the dirt to ride bikes and the twins are sleeping so I am taking some time to read this book and answer some of the journaling prompts. So far, this book is about being intentional about setting aside ten minutes each days to connect and feel real joy with your children.

How can you create space in your life to make happiness habits a part of your routine? Think in terms of what is holding you back, weighing you down, or keeping you stuck.
I am inspired to focus on 1:1 time with each child again. I used to be really good about this and with the busyness of life, the only one who gets it consistently now if Eleanor (because we have good 1:1 time while we patch her eye, while the twins sleep). This is often a joyful time for us. Lately, Oliver has expressed that he misses our 1:1 time and wants to do it again. Since school is out for summer in a couple of weeks, I am coming up with a new plan. It will look like this:

8-12 (M-F): Summer Camp for the boys
12:30 / 1:00: Lunch
1:00-2:00 Twins nap / quiet screen time for the older kids
*During this time I will take each of the three older kids for 20 minutes each to do something upstairs with just them. Play a game, read together, do a project, talk, etc. They can choose.

List just one small, doable action you will take today to create a bit of space. Make it a tiny goal, and then make it happen.
I will find a time today to tell each of my children how grateful I am for them and how much I love them. I will also tell them one thing I love about them.

What is your why? Why do you want to be a happier mom? What would it mean to your children and family? (Write it on a sticky note and place it where you will see it often.)
There is stress and contention in our home daily, due to some of the boys' challenges and due to living life as a family. I want to fill their buckets with joy and connection as much as I can. Buoy them up and help them feel loved. I want to make this a priority.

Write about a happy memory from your past - a day that seemed ordinary when you were in it but produced extraordinary memories.
I really enjoyed working on a craft project and painting nails with Eleanor this past weekend. I really enjoyed playing Chutes and Ladders with Joshua in his room after school one day a couple of weeks ago. There was a time a few months ago we played on the trampoline together and we both loved that and laughed so much. I really enjoyed talking in Oliver's room with him a couple of nights this past week and tickling his back before he fell asleep. I really enjoyed having Nathan and Zach each ride on my back, pretending like I was a horse. I made the horse sounds and galloped quickly at times, making them giggle and sometimes laugh out loud. They would pull my ponytail while riding. I always enjoy reading to all five of them as well.

Write instruction on how to find happiness as though you are telling it to a child.
If you want to be happy, think about others. What kind things can you to do help other people? You will find joy as you lift other people up. You will also find joy as you make choices that help you stay close to Heavenly Father and to the Spirit. There are many other ways to add to your happiness but these two will definitely bring joy.

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Five truths to remember on the tough days:

1. My kids are a work in progress. What we focus on grows. [I have come to realize this in recent months as well.]

2. Their problems are not mine to solve. "I want to help when I can, but they have to struggle through some things. They just do. It's how they learn resilience. Life won't always be fair to them. People won't always be good to them. More often than not, they don't need me to solve their problems anyway; they just need me to be there for them while they work through it, and they need me to believe in their ability to do so. They draw strength from that." 

3. It's never going to be perfect. "There is always something I could be bothered about, always something else to wish for. The load feels a little lighter when I decide to find the joy in the chaos."

4. I've messed up, but they're still okay. "When you can release the weight of guilt and accept forgiveness, the load is so much more bearable. To the mom who is too hard on herself, you're good enough. Aim for connection instead of perfection. Perfection isn't attainable, but connection heals."

5. I can't be and do everything. "What needs cut gets cut, what needs delegated gets delegated."

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Name one way you can enjoy this day just a little more.
Remember to take a breath before I respond. This helps me be more intentional and mindful with my response. It will help me respond rather than react.

Do a search for "happiness quotes" and jot down a couple that inspire you.
"Happiness is letting go of what you think your life is supposed to look like."

"Happiness is a direction, not a place." Sidney J. Harris

"Happiness is not a goal...it is a by-product of a life well lived." Eleanor Roosevelt

"The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts."

What does your best day look like? 
Balance. Exercise, spiritual connection (reading scriptures, praying), connecting with my kids, some time for me, enough sleep, making a healthy meal for my family, connection with Wendel.

Write down a list of characteristics you want your child to see in you.
Determination, love, kindness, patience, faith, happiness, positivity.

How close is the mom you are to the mom you want to be? How can you get there? 
Pretty close. Maybe not through their eyes though. But through my eyes I feel like I live my life guided by these characteristics. They might see my lack of patience and focus on that more. I will keep working on that one.

Tonight was hard

This evening was the boys' Learning Fair at their school. Linda met us there. The Kindergartners performed first, then we checked out the boys' art projects by their classrooms and then did the book walk in the library. I realized it was almost time to go to the multipurpose room for the third grade performance. Linda told me Oliver asked her to hold his books and said he would be right back but that he didn't indicate where he was going and ran off. We thought maybe he went to meet up with his classmates for the performance so we went over by his classroom. His classmates were there but he wasn't. We got into the multipurpose room and the performance started but he wasn't there. Wendel and I circled the school, looking inside and out, and could not find him. The performance ended and he was still missing. Finally, Wendel found him in the library, reading a book. (We had looked a couple of times in the library but he wasn't in plain view.) Wendel told Oliver he missed the performance and that we were worried about him. Oliver was really bummed about it. On the way to the car, I told him we were worried about him and need him to tell us where he is going next time. He pulled away from me and got angry. Linda leaned over to me and said, "It's like he's hitting the teenage years early...you're going to have your hands full."

Josh and Norah went with Wendel in his truck and Oliver came with me. His disappointment manifested in anger on the way home. He kept asking to play with my phone and I said no. He then got really down on himself, saying he's an idiot, using harsh language, and saying he wants to kill himself because he hates himself so much and doesn't want to be here anymore. This isn't the first time he's said these things but they were still hard to hear. I couldn't reach him (emotionally) while I was driving. He was right behind me, raging. He was throwing things around the car, including Zach's car seat. He was screaming and hitting himself, slapping his face and legs. I tried to remain calm and not get drawn in. I stopped by our house to pick up our babysitter, Cara Mia, to take her to mutual at the church. After we dropped her off, I parked the car, got out, opened Oliver's door, and hugged him. I knew he was hurting inside. I knew he was disappointed in himself and didn't know how to process those emotions in a healthy way. I knew I needed to respond in love. I hugged him and he sobbed. I told him I love him, no matter what, and that will never change. I told him his is special and important to me. I talked about how we all mistakes and how mistakes give us a chance to learn and change in the future. He told me he worked so hard on his performance for the Learning Fair and he feels so stupid that he missed it. He was able to connect that to having a hard day at school, feeling bullied and then coming home and yelling at me, because he had been holding all of his feelings inside all day, even though "you did nothing - it wasn't your fault - and I just yelled at you! I'm a terrible person!" I told him I know that happens sometimes and I forgive him. I know school can be hard and stressful. He told me he feels left out and wants more 1:1 time with me, weekly. I told him we could do it monthly but he was insistent about weekly. I know this is important to him and is his love language so I told him I would do what I can to make it happen. We ended on a good note, with me sitting with him while he fell asleep.

I feel drained. I am exhausted. I review the night and wonder if I said the right things, especially on the way home from the school. Could I have avoided the raging if I had said things differently? Oliver mentioned he felt stupid because he picks his nose and can't stop and kids won't want to be around him, he doesn't feel like he has many friends, and he has a hard time controlling his anger. He said he wants to be able to be calm and not so angry but he doesn't know how. I told him we would work on it together and that I would never give up on him. "But what if you do give up on me?" I assured him I would not and he seemed to accept that.

Parenting is hard. So very much is on the line. I am incredibly exhausted and have to get up so early so I'm signing off for now.

I am a perfectionist

• Lately I have been feeling a lot of anxiety. I don't know why exactly. I thought it was because I was hosting a preschool playgroup at my house and I was nervous about getting everything ready for that. But that was this morning and I'm still left feeling anxious butterflies in my stomach. Maybe it is because I am turning 40 in two months. Maybe it is because, even though I weigh the same, my body is changing and my stomach doesn't "suck in" in quite the way it used to. Maybe it is because I am always worried about my mom and sister in the back (and often the forefront) of my mind in regards to their addictions (my mom is addicted to a sleeping pill called Ambien, as is Lindsey. Lindsey is also in outpatient rehab for other addictions as well). Maybe it's just my body chemistry, through genetics, and although it has been in remission for quite some time for the most part, is emerging again. (I would rather it be because of something that might pass.)
• I realized something about myself recently, while listening to a podcast (Cultivate a Good Life by Becky Higgins & Becky Proudfit with guest Monica Packer of It's About Progress). I am a perfectionist. I thought I used to be a perfectionist, back in college when I was very determined to get into Graduate School, and then kept that trend going, even though I no longer needed to chase the GPA. But now, I am a mom and I can't keep up with our house. I have thought that I am no longer a perfectionist because if I was, I wouldn't be able to let our house be cluttered and messy at times (a lot of the time). But listening to this episode helped me realize there are two kinds of perfectionists: overachieving (me in college) and underachieving (me with our house). What this looks like for me is that I don't want to invite anyone over until our house is perfect in my mind - even down to the right pictures, in frames, in the right configuration. Sometimes people do come over but I don't go out of my way to invite many people over because I want it to be just right. And it is far from that. I can't keep up and it's overwhelming so I just don't invite people over and I think it affects the friendships I have with people to a degree. This was an interesting discovery about myself.
• Sometimes I still feel really isolated from the girls in the group I hang out with from church. They are all about ten years younger than me, but our kids are about the same age. They make comments that aren't intended to be hurtful but I internalize them and feel the differences between us highlighted. Like how they think siblings sharing a room is a good idea, and one even has all three of her girls in the same room, even though they live in a a five-bedroom home, because they want to be together. The argument is that sharing a room will encourage bonding and minimize rivalry. But then there are my boys, who are impulsive and have difficulty controlling their emotions, and egg each other on,  and they wouldn't get to sleep on time because they fought so much - to the point that Wendel built another room in our home for Oliver. And that is what works for us. I am not offended by their comments but I do feel like it's difficult to relate sometimes. 
• I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. Waiting for the laundry to be done so I can put it in the dryer..

"It never gets easier. You just get better."

I have been thinking about this lately. I feel like things have been more peaceful in our home the past few days in regards to our boys' challenges with emotion regulation and impulsivity. I'm noticing they are still having outbursts and acting impulsively but I'm not allowing myself to get drawn in emotionally. I am being very intentional about regulating my own emotions (one tip I read is to walk into the bathroom if you feel like you're getting angry and run your hands under warm water to reset), connecting with my kids, and allowing them to express themselves without dismissing their feelings. (For example, one of my sons was upset today because one of the twins messed up something he built. He was crying and said he wishes he was an only child and he hates having siblings. He has said this many times in the past and I have usually given him a quick response, basically saying we're part of a family for a reason and that he needs to act kindly. Today, I sat next to him and put my arm around him. I let him cry and express all of his thoughts, even when he was shaking in anger, yelling and sobbing about how unfair his life is. I didn't interrupt or downplay his feelings. When he was done I told him, "I understand what you're saying. You feel like you were more connected to Dad and me when we were able to focus all of our attention on you. You feel sad and a little jealous because our attention is divided in so many directions now. You feel frustrated when you siblings ruin things that are important to you. I understand how you would feel that way. That makes sense." I hugged him and told him I love him. I then told him I know Heavenly Father gives us families so we can learn and grow from each other and to help us become who He wants us to be, even though it can be hard sometimes. He calmed down and hugged me and I could tell he felt connected to me.) This also goes along with Dr. Tina Bryson's approach of "connect and then redirect." (I know these things but they do not come naturally so I have to re-learn them over and over - anyone else?) For a long time, I thought, "What can I do to help my boys change? To improve their behavior, to stop the explosions and contention?" And I am seeing clearly now that what really helps a lot is managing my own emotions (easier said than done, I know), connecting with them (even if it's only for 5-10 quality minutes / day) and really listening to them without dismissing their feelings. I am the one who needs to change. At least, that's what is working right now and I'm grateful so I wanted to share.