I am a perfectionist

• Lately I have been feeling a lot of anxiety. I don't know why exactly. I thought it was because I was hosting a preschool playgroup at my house and I was nervous about getting everything ready for that. But that was this morning and I'm still left feeling anxious butterflies in my stomach. Maybe it is because I am turning 40 in two months. Maybe it is because, even though I weigh the same, my body is changing and my stomach doesn't "suck in" in quite the way it used to. Maybe it is because I am always worried about my mom and sister in the back (and often the forefront) of my mind in regards to their addictions (my mom is addicted to a sleeping pill called Ambien, as is Lindsey. Lindsey is also in outpatient rehab for other addictions as well). Maybe it's just my body chemistry, through genetics, and although it has been in remission for quite some time for the most part, is emerging again. (I would rather it be because of something that might pass.)
• I realized something about myself recently, while listening to a podcast (Cultivate a Good Life by Becky Higgins & Becky Proudfit with guest Monica Packer of It's About Progress). I am a perfectionist. I thought I used to be a perfectionist, back in college when I was very determined to get into Graduate School, and then kept that trend going, even though I no longer needed to chase the GPA. But now, I am a mom and I can't keep up with our house. I have thought that I am no longer a perfectionist because if I was, I wouldn't be able to let our house be cluttered and messy at times (a lot of the time). But listening to this episode helped me realize there are two kinds of perfectionists: overachieving (me in college) and underachieving (me with our house). What this looks like for me is that I don't want to invite anyone over until our house is perfect in my mind - even down to the right pictures, in frames, in the right configuration. Sometimes people do come over but I don't go out of my way to invite many people over because I want it to be just right. And it is far from that. I can't keep up and it's overwhelming so I just don't invite people over and I think it affects the friendships I have with people to a degree. This was an interesting discovery about myself.
• Sometimes I still feel really isolated from the girls in the group I hang out with from church. They are all about ten years younger than me, but our kids are about the same age. They make comments that aren't intended to be hurtful but I internalize them and feel the differences between us highlighted. Like how they think siblings sharing a room is a good idea, and one even has all three of her girls in the same room, even though they live in a a five-bedroom home, because they want to be together. The argument is that sharing a room will encourage bonding and minimize rivalry. But then there are my boys, who are impulsive and have difficulty controlling their emotions, and egg each other on,  and they wouldn't get to sleep on time because they fought so much - to the point that Wendel built another room in our home for Oliver. And that is what works for us. I am not offended by their comments but I do feel like it's difficult to relate sometimes. 
• I am so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. Waiting for the laundry to be done so I can put it in the dryer..

"It never gets easier. You just get better."

I have been thinking about this lately. I feel like things have been more peaceful in our home the past few days in regards to our boys' challenges with emotion regulation and impulsivity. I'm noticing they are still having outbursts and acting impulsively but I'm not allowing myself to get drawn in emotionally. I am being very intentional about regulating my own emotions (one tip I read is to walk into the bathroom if you feel like you're getting angry and run your hands under warm water to reset), connecting with my kids, and allowing them to express themselves without dismissing their feelings. (For example, one of my sons was upset today because one of the twins messed up something he built. He was crying and said he wishes he was an only child and he hates having siblings. He has said this many times in the past and I have usually given him a quick response, basically saying we're part of a family for a reason and that he needs to act kindly. Today, I sat next to him and put my arm around him. I let him cry and express all of his thoughts, even when he was shaking in anger, yelling and sobbing about how unfair his life is. I didn't interrupt or downplay his feelings. When he was done I told him, "I understand what you're saying. You feel like you were more connected to Dad and me when we were able to focus all of our attention on you. You feel sad and a little jealous because our attention is divided in so many directions now. You feel frustrated when you siblings ruin things that are important to you. I understand how you would feel that way. That makes sense." I hugged him and told him I love him. I then told him I know Heavenly Father gives us families so we can learn and grow from each other and to help us become who He wants us to be, even though it can be hard sometimes. He calmed down and hugged me and I could tell he felt connected to me.) This also goes along with Dr. Tina Bryson's approach of "connect and then redirect." (I know these things but they do not come naturally so I have to re-learn them over and over - anyone else?) For a long time, I thought, "What can I do to help my boys change? To improve their behavior, to stop the explosions and contention?" And I am seeing clearly now that what really helps a lot is managing my own emotions (easier said than done, I know), connecting with them (even if it's only for 5-10 quality minutes / day) and really listening to them without dismissing their feelings. I am the one who needs to change. At least, that's what is working right now and I'm grateful so I wanted to share.

Regret

Tonight was probably the worst night of our married life. We went out to dinner to celebrate Wendel's birthday (late) and fought before, during, and after. It ended badly. I have a headache and I'm exhausted. I've been listening to Allie Casazza's course, Your Uncluttered Home, for the past few hours. It is one of the things we fought about but in the end, I ended up purchasing it (not cheap) because I feel like I'm at a place where I'm stuck with our home. Nothing I do makes a difference and I cannot get on top of it. I hate living in clutter and chaos all of the time. It's overwhelming, frustrating, exhausting, restricting, discouraging, and I don't like the feelings it produces in our home. Something has to change. Wendel isn't convinced this is the thing that will help. I am hopeful it is. This isn't the only thing we fought about though. There were lots of things - things we didn't realize were bothering us until we said (or rather, shouted) them out loud. Near the end of our argument, as we were turning into our neighborhood, I was so upset, frustrated, and discouraged, I threw his phone on the dashboard and shouted, "I wish I hadn't married you!" I think I was just as shocked as he was to hear those words. Because they aren't true. Life is hard and overwhelming but I have always been able to stay positive and hopeful. Tonight I didn't feel either of those things. I felt fear and despair. Heartache and anger. My words were a knee-jerk reaction to the hurt I was feeling. I tried to explain this but I know if he said those words to me, I would not be able to forget them. We both cried and then I suggested we pray. I prayed out loud while we held hands and then he went into the house and I took the babysitter home. We haven't spoken since. We both need sleep and time. We both said incredibly hurtful things that make my stomach turn. I want to go to marriage therapy but he does not. I don't know where to go from here but I know I need sleep right now. I just needed to write and process a bit first.

Can't sleep

I can't sleep, which is ironic because I need sleep so badly. I went to bed early (9:30) because I was exhausted and felt like I might feel a cold coming on. Norah woke me up at 11 something with a night terror. After that, I laid in bed for about an hour and a half or so and could not fall back asleep - so frustrating! So now I am downstairs, eating leftover Vegan Korma and creamed dried corn (both are so delicious) from our Thanksgiving celebration with Dad and my side of the family today.

I think I'm worried about a few things and that's why I can't sleep. I know it doesn't do any good to worry and is actually detrimental to my health so maybe if I write it down I will be able to stop worrying and go to sleep.

1. I'm worried about Oliver. We have a big decision to make. Last week, his doctor at The Melmed Center prescribed Riatlin. Our initial reaction is definitely no. His doctor said she recommends this one because it is a stimulant and she said stimulants have been around longer than non-stimulants so doctors know more about them. She said she would give a stimulant to her child over a non-stimulant for this reason. She said Oliver wouldn't have to build up to it so we would know right away if it works and if not, we can take him off of it immediately. From my research, here is what I've gathered about meds for ADHD so far.

Pros

• "Methylphenidate (Ritalin) works in the treatment of ADHD by increasing attention and decreasing restlessness in children and adults who are overactive, cannot concentrate for very long, or are easily distracted and impulsive. This medicine is used as part of a total treatment program that also includes social, educational, and psychological treatment." [https://www.mayoclinic.org/drugs-supplements/methylphenidate-oral-route/description/drg-20068297] 
• I read numerous testimonials in the Facebook support group I am a part of about meds (in general, not specifically Ritalin) helping kids with ADHD. Many parents testified their kids were like different children (in a good way) after starting. They went from Bs and Cs to As, they had more friends, they had more confidence, they could focus, etc. 
• I have heard several times that research shows kids who aren't medicated when they are young are at higher risk for self-medicating when they are older (drugs, alcohol, etc). I think this is what happened with my sister, Lindsey. (She has ADD and was not medicated as a child.)

Cons

• The side effects. These are the common ones: 
• trouble sleeping

• loss of appetite
• dry mouth
• anxiety
• increased heart rate
• irritability
• headache
• dizziness

Among the more serious side effects are psychosis, heart rhythm problems, addiction, Rynaud's Syndrome and slowed growth. 

• Some parents in the FB support group said it changed their children for the worse. 
• Permanent changes in the brain. (Mayo clinic)

We don't even have an official diagnosis but Oliver's doctor said it's a "working diagnosis" and she believes he does have ADHD. His teacher eval this year indicated it other than one area (focus, I think) being one point below the cut off.

Written for our day

I was just reading in the Book of Mormon and read this verse, which hit me like a ton of bricks:

"And it came to pass that I was overcome because of my afflictions, for I considered that mine afflictions were great above all, because of the destruction of my people, for I had beheld their fall. And it came to pass that after I had received strength I spake unto my brethern, desiring to know of them the cause of their disputations." 1 Nephi 15:5-6

Prior to reading from the Book of Mormon today, I prayed for guidance, that the Spirit would speak to my heart and that I would know whom I could help. This verse definitely is guidance for me and I feel that it is from the Spirit speaking to my heart and me being open to receive it. 

These verses are such a great parenting teaching tool. When things are hard and overwhelming and my boys are disputing with each other, I should speak to them about their disputes after I receive strength. For me, that means after I pray. Saying a quick prayer and taking some deep breaths before I respond can be a big game changer to help me respond calmly and lovingly, to be patient and understanding, rather than frustrated and upset. 

I testify that the scriptures really are written for our day. They are so applicable to our lives. As I read from them, I am lifted up and strengthened. As I start my day with reading even just a chapter, my day goes smoother and an eternal perspective is close in my mind. The Spirit is with me. 

A New Approach

I have so much to share. We met with the behavioral coach a couple of weeks ago. It was so disappointing. She told us we need to be "more strict" and "consistent" (We already are very consistent and people don't get that being more strict does nothing to change behavior but does hurt relationships, self-esteem and brings more contention into our home.).We tried expressing concerns but she seemed to stick to a script and no really listen or sympathize. I brought up my concerns about Oliver saying recently that he wants to kill himself because no one understands how hard it is to control his anger. He told me this twice in one evening through tears. The B.C. told me it's just for attention and to completely ignore it. She said she's more worried about him hurting someone else in our house. I do agree that is probably true but I don't think ignoring it is the best approach. She told us Oliver is manipulating us and that he is the way he is and that can't be changed. She told us to "withhold love" when we see negative behavior and their behavior will change. Wendel and I don't agree with this at all. We went on a date that night and talked about this. We both felt there had to be some other way to help our boys. I brought up Dr. Ross Greene's book, "The Explosive Child," which I'm reading and has really resonated with me and Wendel suggested we look him up and see if we could schedule a phone conference with him - buy his time to learn from him. When we looked him up we found out he was putting on a children's mental health conference (the following week! In Boston!). We decided after the thousands of dollars we've spent on therapy, doctors, workshops, etc. that hasn't worked at all, we would be better off investing in people who resonate with us. (We also saw Tina Payne Bryson would be presenting and her book, "The Whole Brain Child" is another one that has really resonated with and helped me a lot, especially with Josh.) We decided it was worth dipping into our savings for. We were (miraculously) able to arrange childcare for four days (thanks to Sarah and Steven Chasten in our ward, who only have one baby girl, and who recently moved here from Boston themselves) and suddenly we were purchasing conference tickets and plane tickets. It. was. amazing. I loved soaking in relevant information at the conference and being surrounded by like-minded people. (It was geared towards teachers but still very relevant and helpful for parents.) I loved getting away with Wendel to have 1:1 time with him. I loved eating good food and sleeping through the night and reading a novel and recharging our batteries. We haven't done anything like this since we went to Hawaii five years ago (other than an occasional overnight hotel stay, but even that was a few years ago). It was so needed and so wonderful. As an added bonus, when we came back, our kids seemed to appreciate us more (Josh knocked me over when he ran and hugged me and Oliver told me, "Mom, you're the best mom in the world." Norah gave me the sweetest hugs and kisses.) We also felt more patient and more unified in our approach with our kids. Win / win. I wish we could make it a regular thing. Maybe in the future we will be able to.

I am typing the notes I wrote so the messages will sink in more.

Tina Payne Bryson 

• Teach  your kids empathy. (Ie. If you encounter a rude waitress, say, "I wonder if she's having a hard day?")
• Integrate left and right sides of the brain - "connect and then redirect behavior." 

Left Brain

Logic

Linear

Linguistic

Literal

Letter of law

Right Brian 

Senses emotion

Random

Non verbal

Whole picture context

Senses body information 

Connect with right brain [soothe] (touch, tone of touch, facial expressions, empathy, pausing) and then redirect with the left brain [solve] (solutions, words, planning, logical explanations, boundaries). 

• Teach kids about their brains. Make a brain model by making a fist. The lower part "the downstairs" houses big feelings and actions. The high part "the upstairs" houses calm and kindness. Help kids understand how to make connections between the two.
  
• The middle prefrontal cortex regulates the body, emotions, decision making, impulse control, empathy, flexibility, personal insight, overcoming fear, intuition and morality. All of these are outcomes of secure attachment (except the last two). Mindfulness can help develop and change this part of the brain. 
• The Whole Brain / no drama way: intentional, looking beyond behavior / keep teaching in mind, skill-building, relationship driven, regulation over compliance (regulation leads to changes in behavior). Discipline = teaching (skill building). 
• Behavior is communication. 
• Change perspectives from: discipline problems / managing materials / blurting out / controlling anger, etc. to skills the child needs to build. 
• Look at Dr. Thompson's "Normal, Social Pain" (http://michaelthompson-phd.com/books/mom-theyre-teasing-me/) 
• What is the purpose / meaning behind behavior? Chase the why. Problem behavior may be the child's best adaption (ie. trying to fit in with peers - says potty words with peers in the library). *Doesn't believe in ODD - it is a stress response. ODD is the child's best adaption.
• The brain is either receptive or reactive (Dan Seagal: window of tolerance). 
• Discipline: is what I'm doing counterproductive? Skill-building? 
• Ie. A child who is playing on their phone instead of doing homework. "I can see you're having a hard time focusing with the phone in your room. I'm going to hold onto it until you can get your homework done.")
• Toxic stress patterns - stress responses that are: too frequent, too quick, too intense, too long (more than 20-30 minutes).
• Co-regulation: communicate "You're going to be okay. I'm right here with you."
• Short-term goal: balance, long-term goal: resilance
• We have to give kids a chance to handle things with support. 
• Example: A child wanted to stay up late watching a show with his brothers. When he needed to go to bed, he cried and didn't want to go to bed, was overtired, etc. Instead of saying, "I gave you an extra 30 minutes and now you're acting like this. Next time I won't do that" connect with the child. "It's so disappointing. You really wanted to spend more time with your brothers. I'm right here with you." 
• When a child is upset / raging / not thinking clearly: 1. Try to get below eye level in a relaxed posture (legs crossed, lean back on arms, etc). [This is a strategic posture to deregulate the nervous system.] 2. Use empathy. "I can see you're really mad right now." 
• Does the child feel safe, seen, soothed and secure? ------> Connected and protective. Secure base to explore the world. 
• Experience changes the brain. Relationships are one of the most powerful tools.

Teaching the Developing Brain

• Siblings fighting and one hurt the other. 1. Comfort the hurt child. 2. 1:1 with the perpetrator - not with the other child present. Don't: why did you hit? You need to say sorry. Take away a playdate. Hit them. Do: "You're really upset right now. What's going on? That's really frustrating. I would be mad too." The child then feels bad on their own and doesn't direct it to you. "I can see you feel bad for hitting. In our family, everyone has to feel safe. What did your body feel like when you were mad?" Comfort, connect, regulate, connective dialogue. Now the child is in the "green zone" (mindset for redirection, as opposed to the red zone (too fast) or the blue zone (too slow)). 
• Attachment - go to caregiver when in distress. 
• Disorganized attachment in childhood -------> #1 predictor of psychotic behavior in adulthood. A child who experiences a lot of shame ------> higher predictor for mood disorders later in life. 
• Yes brain - open and receptive, no brain - shut down
• Look at Jerome Kagen's work on temperment - balancing pushin and coushin. 
• What causes lots of reactivity / toxic stress in the brain? 

• Faulty neurosensing - feel anxiety when there is no threat. (I see this in Oliver - anxiety levels rise when it's too loud and he's trying to do homework, for example). Occupational Therapy can help. www.spdstar.org (Josh)
• Look at Kaiser - ACES 
• "Resliance - not always calm but learn to ride the waves." Louisa May Alcott
• themomentousinstitue.org - changing the odds 

It's working!!!

Just a quick note to document that today I listened to a podcast with Dr. Tina Bryson while I was doing the dishes (the babes were napping and Wendel took the three older kids to lunch). It resonated with me so much. It sunk in even more. I was loving every minute of it and soaking it all in. Then the kids came home and gave me lots of opportunities all day long to practice what I had learned. And it worked, over and over again, to bring the kids from the red zone to the green zone before things escalated out of control.

There was one incident where I went into the front yard for a minute to say goodbye to Wendel when he left for work and when I came back inside, Josh was on the stairs crying. He had spilled his milkshake all over the carpet and had woken the babies from their naps by going into their room to look for me. He was curled up in a ball on the stairs crying. As I approached him, he sobbed harder. "No! I don't want to lose my family movie treat tonight! I don't want a consequence." My main goal was to get him from the red zone back into the green zone. I positioned myself lower than him on the stairs and talked in a calm, soothing voice. "Hey, Josh, you're not in trouble Buddy. It was an accident. I understand." "But I made a mess on the carpet and woke up the babies! I'm in big trouble!" "No you're not. You're not in trouble. Accidents happen." He stopped crying and looked at me. I could tell he was confused but also relieved. He was back in the green zone. "We do still need to clean up the mess so it doesn't ruin the carpet. Would you like me to help you clean it up?" "Yeah." "Okay. The first step is getting the paper towels. Could you bring a roll of paper towels in here for me?" He brought it in. Together we sopped up the milkshake and kept blotting until nothing was visible. "The second step is to spray the carpet cleaner on the carpet." He enjoyed that part. "Then we need to blot spray." "Mama, it's all clean!" he exclaimed. "Good job Josh! Thanks for your help." I then talked with him about how it's very important not to go into the babies' room. "But I didn't know where you were!" I told him he needs to look for me in lots of other places before checking in there (and listed them all out) and if he does check there last, to whisper my name first. He said he would do it and gave me a hug. I was still able to get the messages across that I wanted to, the mess still got cleaned up, and we felt connected and happy in the green zone. I was also able to use this approach with Oliver and Norah a few times and to diffuse fighting when it began to escalate. I love this approach and I love that it is actually working (when nothing has for years). It feels like a Godsend and I'm so grateful.

Josh told me several times today that he loves me, including a cute knock knock joke. "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "I" "I who?" "I love you." (He made it up and I love it.) He also told me I'm the best mom in the world and hugged me several times. To me this communicates that he felt heard, his feelings were validated and he felt connected to me.

I'm feeling something I haven't really, truly felt in this aspect of my life in a long time: Hope.