Looking Up

We have seen some progress with Oliver lately. He is a little more mature, not quite as impulsive (though definitely still somewhat), doesn't blame as often, is more quick to apologize, etc. We started him on medication, Guanfacine, about a month ago. It wasn't an easy decision to make. This is the most mild option with the least amount of side effects. The medication was designed as a blood pressure medication but has a side effect of being calming. I have to say I felt peace about going forward with it when I prayed about it or we wouldn't have. Still, I feel bad when I see how tired he was as he was adjusting to it and how his stomach and head hurts sometimes. But I'm seeing an improvement in his behavior overall (There are still some really intense, rough times, but he seems to recover faster and apologizes more sincerely after: "Mom, I'm really sorry. It wasn't your fault at all. I just lost control of my emotions." - mouth dropping open..). Overall, I'm feeling pretty good about going into summer in a week (which has not been the case in years past). Things are looking up.

Feeling helpless

Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I didn't go to bed until about 1:00 am and then tossed and turned, unable to stop thinking about Oliver.

Finding joy along the way

It's almost midnight and I have a cough that won't go away so I need to get to bed. I stayed up late, alone, to watch a movie and have some "me" time, which is such a luxury. I probably should have gone to bed early instead.

I just wanted to express how hard it is to have 1:1 time with our children when there are five of them. I could do it with three but now it's so much more difficult. I got a little 1:1 time with Nathan last night because he was up late due to napping late. I played with him and made him laugh and it was so fun. He let me rock him to sleep (not usual but he has an ear infection) and I just savored that time with him. I picked Oliver up from the bus while Taylor was here with the other kids and quickly ran him through a drive thru for ice cream and chatted with him about school on the way. I patched Eleanor's eye and chatted with her about Butterfly Wonderland (which we visited yesterday with Josh's preschool class fieldtrip) and then spun her in circles and tickled her. I made Josh laugh tonight and told him that he's my "garbage hero" when he emptied all of the garbage cans in the house today. I gave the babies lots of kisses and hugs and sang them personalized songs throughout the day. I'm trying to connect with each of them, and with Wendel, and keep everyone organized and keep up with the house, etc. It's a lot, for sure. When I think of how crazy it is and how hard it is to keep up, when I see moms with two kids (by choice) look at me like I'm crazy for having five (that happened twice this week - two different mom friends of mine), when I feel like I'm drowning or I doubt myself or wonder if I'm failing them and how we'll make it, I think about the strong promptings I had about the babies. That our family wasn't complete. And how perfectly they have completed our family. It is hard, yes. It is messy and not graceful. But we are doing it. And there's a lot of joy along the way.

A little bit of hope

We started marriage counseling this week. I suggested it. Wendel really did not want to do it and felt that it was a personal attack that I even brought it up. I have brought it up a couple of times over the past couple of years but never pushed for it - only after a big disagreement and just in passing. This time I pushed for it but with the argument that I want us to work on our communication (neither of us have a good example of this to look to with our parents) and make sure we're focusing on us so we can be strong for our family. He agreed to do it, though not thrilled. I felt a lot better after we left the therapist's office. I feel like this could help, at least help me vent about the stressors in our family and bounce it off of a neutral person. It gives me a little bit of hope.

Crisis Mode

Life has never been harder or more stressful than it is now. It scares me because I feel like we can't pull out of it and may not ever be able to. The stress from our children's struggles weighs heavily in our home and on my heart and mind constantly. It is now affecting our marriage in a way that it hasn't in the past. We are taking our stress out on each other and then get easily offended and hurt by it and don't feel connected or communicate as well as we used to and it all seems so incredibly overwhelming and difficult. And tonight I screamed at Oliver at dinner time (the WORST time of the day). Wendel was at a wedding reception (after being with the kids all day while I was at Super Saturday) and I was trying to get dinner started. I had taken the boys with me earlier to vacuum out Wendel's truck (I cleaned it out for him as part of his Christmas gift, which I'm making good on a bit late) and while we were there, I let the boys get a gum ball each from the machine inside. So fast forward to dinnertime and I asked the boys to spit out the their gum in the garbage (because Oliver was playing with his in his hands). They ignored me. I asked again. Nothing. Again. And again. Oliver finally stood up and started to walk around the kitchen but then said, "I'm going to take it up to my room instead." I told him that's not what I asked him to do and that I wanted to throw it away. He again said he was going to take it to his room and I lost it. I started screaming (and I do mean screaming, not yelling) at him about being respectful and doing as he is asked. He just looked at me like he was debating if he was going to start laughing and that made me even more upset. I could feel the stress coming out in my words. I picked up a book that was on the counter and slammed it down (so hard that it hurt my hands). I was so frustrated and upset and discouraged. Oliver finally shrugged his shoulders and threw his gum away. I turned to see Josh walk out of the room. "Joshua! Where are you going?!?" He yelled angrily that he was spitting his gum out and then I remembered he had taken the trash can into the front room when they were cleaning up glass Eleanor broke by the front door. Josh started sobbing so I went in there and held him in my arms. I felt so horrible that I had lost it and screamed at them. It took a long time for Josh to calm down, to stop the sobbing. I noticed his tics intensified during this time as well. As we talked through his feelings, he told me he felt scared because I screamed. That's the last thing I want him to feel - I don't seek to teach out of fear. My heart sank in deep regret. I apologized and asked for forgiveness and asked him to apologize and then we made a deal that we would both try harder to listen quickly and not yell. I had a similar talk with Oliver and they went to bed on an okay note but Josh never did eat his dinner. I think he lost his appetite.

Then Wendel came home and we had a big fight. I don't want to recount it but it was over stupid stuff. We just are both so stressed out and we're taking it out on each other. There is so much weighing on my shoulders with Oliver's ODD and his bleak outcome (it can't be "cured" and nothing is working to change his behavior and it's affecting his self esteem, friendships, school, and especially our family life) and Anxiety, Josh's anxiety and new diagnosis of Tic Syndrome (high risk for Tourette Syndrome), Eleanor losing her contacts and the worry I feel that she will lose vision in that eye because she doesn't wear them enough and we aren't patching enough, the worry I feel about her upcoming surgery and how she is going to view herself once she gets to kindergarten, the babies with their helmets, our messy, chaotic home, and most heartbreaking, the stress all of this is causing on our marriage. Because if we aren't on the same team, I just don't even know how I can navigate this. I'm starting to lose some positivity and it's so incredibly difficult and scary.

I have to remember to keep an eternal perspective and rely heavily on my Heavenly Father and Savior and to trust in them.  I sometimes wonder how we can handle twins babies on top of what we have going on but the promptings were strong and they are here for a a reason. The atonement is real. I do all I can and it fills in the gaps.

So tired. Going to bed.

Mental Illness

I'm coming to terms with the fact that Oliver has a mental illness. I think it is easier to view him this way, rather than thinking he is healthy and just being a jerk. He is far from healthy. He is verbally abusive, emotionally falling apart, his self esteem is suffering, his pain is overwhelming. I think we are ready to try medication, for Oliver's sake and for the sake of our family dynamic. I think Josh's anxiety is greatly affected by Oliver's behavior, as well as Oliver's anxiety.

I took Oliver's baptism and 8-year-old pictures at the Gilbert Temple today. I just looked at them and can hardly believe how grown up he looks. It makes me sad in a way because I feel like I am failing him and the older he gets, the more I feel that way. Like he is further out of my grasp and will remember negative interactions more. I also saw pictures of me on that camera card and I was surprised by how old and exhausted I look. Life has definitely taken a toll these past several years.

Falling asleep...

Overwhelmed

It's almost midnight and it's been a long day but I had to write for a few minutes because I'm feeling sad tonight. I think for a long time it was easy to have a positive attitude because that is the disposition I was blessed with. I see the glass half full and try to give others the benefit of the doubt. But things are hard and stressful and I can see that slipping away from me a little bit, especially in regards to Oliver (and how I feel like I don't know how to help him) and in regards to our marriage (which has a lot of stress placed on it right now, more than ever before). I feel overwhelmed, especially because Taylor (our part-time nanny) will only be with us another month. That thought is very scary.

It is very discouraging feeling like the things I do don't make a difference. With Oliver, with Wendel, with Josh, with our house being a mess, with pretty much everything.

Falling asleep typing...