Six weeks of quarantine: I've hit a wall.

Has it only been six weeks since Spring Break when I took the older kids to Skateland and the pandemic hadn't taken affect yet? It seems like at least three months. It started out pretty good. I'm a positive person and saw many positives to draw on from this time at home together. Before the boys' school set up assignments to turn in, I felt like we were in a good groove with our daily schedule. We had allotted time for something creative, quiet time, outside time, etc. We flew kites, went butterfly hunting, went on a virtual field trip and wrote about animals we learned about, made lots of creative projects, etc. But now it feels very unbalanced. Oliver gets through his quickly and then wants to watch Minecraft videos on youtube for as long as I will possibly let him (and I have mom-guilt about too much screen time). Josh's ADHD is much more of the inattentive type and it takes a very long time to get through one assignment and I have to be sitting right next to him. That wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have three younger kids demanding my attention. Eleanor acts out because she doesn't get it as often as she is used to and the twins are making so many messes and trying to escape (and Nathan did the other evening - the police were called and I am expecting CPS to come any time now. Eleanor was also missing for about an hour because she hopped on her bike to go find him and didn't come back right away like the boys did - that story later). It's difficult for me to keep up with the house, I'm exhausted because I always need to be "on" and helping someone, there aren't any breaks, there isn't a lot to look forward to, I don't have much evening time by the time the twins go to sleep around 9:30, Zach is often up with a night terror in the night, and he is up for the day at 5:30 (he will not cuddle with me while I sleep - he gets very upset if we don't go downstairs right away and then he will wake other kids up). Due to the school work taking so long, we are doing less fun things. We still go on our daily bike ride to Butterfield most days to get lunch. That helps. But every day feels long and difficult and quite honestly, I am a lot less patient lately. Today especially. I feel badly complaining, especially because I read a scripture in Timothy this morning about not complaining or disputing and I did both today - but I need to vent and this is a good place to do it. I need a recharge - I miss working out with my dance friends at the church in the mornings. I miss having a few hours on Wednesdays to myself while Eleanor was at preschool and the twins were at Cindy's. I miss being able to grab a nutritional shake from Copa Craze (not sure that it's even open at this point) or Chipotle without wearing a mask and feeling like I might get Covid-19 from touching something. The other day I got gas for the first time since the pandemic started (I haven't driven much in the past 6 weeks but I do often nap the twins in the Excursion in the driveway while the AC is on and the doors are locked (we have a keypad on the outside of the driver door so I can lock it securely while they sleep and check on them frequently - it's basically the only way they will nap) and I wore a mask and disposable gloves while I pumped the gas. I miss seeing friends and going to church. I miss being able to find things I need at the grocery store and I miss shopping at Goodwill on ocassion for good finds. The kids fight a lot and there is just never a time when I can have some down time to recharge. I love them and I have seen many positives come from this time together but lately I am feeling overwhelmed, stressed, unbalanced, exhausted, emotional, unmotivated, and I'm noticing I'm buffering a lot (turning to my phone, eating chocolate, etc). Every day feels the same and it's challenging. I am digging deep for some kind of self care tactic - riding our bikes to and from Butterfield and showering twice a week might be it. And on that note, I need to get to sleep because it is 11:11.

On the bright side, Lindsey went into inpatient treatment today. I am so incredibly grateful and happy that she made this decision. It has been a stressful couple of weeks as I have feared for her life.

Heartache

So many thoughts are going through my head right now. We have been "sheltering in place" for a little over a month now. That means the kids and I only leave the house to go on our daily bike ride up to Butterfield Elementary to get free food and then we sometimes go to the open field by our house to hang out there for a while and burn some energy (we have flown kites, did some butterfly catching, the kids love to burn things with a magnifying glass [not my favorite activity and they have to have water nearby to pour on if a fire starts], a scavenger hunt, playing chase / tag, or just eating food there). We have only driven in the Excursion a handful of times this past month and it always feels pretty weird when we do. I have seen lot of positives (less anxiety from school, no more early mornings to rush to the bus, no more bus and all that comes with it to deal with (thankfully!!), more intentional time (floor puzzles, reading, the other day I played "Candle on the Water" on the piano - I was singing and Oliver joined me in singing as well, even though he had never heard the song before), we have done lots of crafts and fun hands-on things, the older kids have slept on the trampoline, in the twins' room, etc.) and lots of fighting, patience tried, the twins get into everything and make messes, I don't have any time to devote to the house after helping with school work all day, I am drained, etc on the other side. But we are healthy and that is all that matters.

But tonight I'm logging in because my heart is heavy for my sister, Lindsey. She is amazing - so giving, fun, thoughtful and generally positive. She is also an alcoholic, which doesn't define her but is definitely something she has struggled with the past couple of years. She completed inpatient rehab a little over a year ago and was sober for a year. She did so great! She has since relapsed and just recently she did again. She had five days of sobriety this past week and it was amazing. I asked her if she would be willing to read scriptures with me and she said yes so we read every night of those five days. We shared our thoughts and insights, I ordered a Book of Mormon Journal Edition for her (because her old scriptures she marked up for Skye got lost) and she was so excited to write in that. We also read from the AA book together and that helped me understand her addiction a little more. But then she relapsed again. She texted and said she went to the liquor store and then shut me out for a couple of days. Justin called me yesterday and said she told him she wrote a suicide note and letter to Skye and where to find them. He told me he can't keep doing this and was letting me know so I could do with the info what I wanted. I spoke with Tyson and my mom. Mom went over to Lindsey's last night to check on her. We were all pretty concerned and just wanted to make sure she was okay. She was but had been sleeping all day and night and was very tired. Lindsey promised our mom to answer her calls or she would be right back there to check on her again (which Lindsey didn't appreciate).

Lindsey texted me this morning and said she's upset with herself and is going to get back on track. She said she was sorry for scaring me yesterday and that she slept all day. I called this afternoon and she said she was still sleeping. I called tonight and we talked and I'm pretty worried. This is what I wrote to Tyson after talking with her:

Sorry to text late. I just talked to Lindsey and I'm concerned that she's giving up. She said Justin keeps telling her she's an "F up" and that she can't heyy it together and should just go drink until she doesn't have a pulse. He said she doesn't even know how to parent and that he has to do it all himself. I brought up the suicide thing. She said she was drunk and upset when she said it to him but that she wouldn't actually commit suicide. But she did say she knows she is going to die if she keeps drinking like this but she is losing motivation to stop. She said something really concerning - that if she died, all of her money could go to Skye. And also, that she believes Justin wants her to die so they don't have to deal with her anymore and Justin can have someone else be the mother figure for Sky who has her life together. Lindsay was also really down about Justin calling his attorney and now she can only have supervised visits with Skye. She also said Justin talks bad about our family all the time and tells her if we really cared about her we would be there helping her but obviously we do not. I tried being really positive and focusing on her strengths, how valuable she is to Skye, how much worth she has, regardless of anything Justin or any other man ever says to her. She said Skye could live without her, just like she lived without a dad her whole life. I pointed out that she did and does still have a dad who is living and loves her, even though there have been some rocky times and she was not close to him when she was younger. I said that is very different than having a parent pass away. She was really emotional about Dad and cried a lot when she mentioned him. She said she does not really think Skye needs her but that she is not planning to kill herself. She just doesn't want to try anymore. But then at another time during the conversation, she said she is going to keep trying and not give up. I was pushing pretty hard for impatient right away, just paying cash and not waiting around for Medicaid to go through someday. She said she would rather save that money so she could buy a house for her and Skye in the future and I told her it's better to get help now so that she is still alive to have a house that she can work towards in the future with Skye. I think she was drinking - not totally wasted though. She was very emotional. On the bright side, Darrin was at her apartment, asleep. I am glad he is there with her and that she is not alone tonight. I really think Dad needs to call her. She is so hurt about him and I get it. A genuine, loving effort on his part would go so far with her, I think. I did try calling dad the other day to talk to him about what I knew at that point but he did not answer and did not call me back. Sorry to unload so much on you. I feel like you are the only person who really gets it and am I can talk to fully about it. I hope I did not wake you up. ....................................................................................................................................................................... My heart feels so heavy for her. I feel a little anxious, not knowing what will happen but fearing and almost knowing in the back of my mind that she will die young. It is scary to type those words. Tyson feels the same way. We know it is a very real possibility and don't know what to do. She has to be willing to take the step to get into inpatient. In the meantime, I am concerned for the state of her mental health + addiction + the concoction of alcohol, street drugs and prescription drugs she is putting into her body. I am worried for her life. I started a fast after I got off of the phone with her. I am fasting for her to have strength to resist temptation, comfort during this dark time and for her to recognize her worth. It is late and I need to get to sleep but wanted to share a few of my thoughts.

The difference a month makes...

It has been roughly a month since my last entry and already so much has changed. Our Nation, and many parts of the world, are experiencing a pandemic. The Corona Virus (COVID-19) has spread to the United States, including Arizona, and our county (Pinal). 1,413 people have tested positive in AZ so far and 29 people have died from the virus. It is very contagious and the elderly, as well as those with underlying health conditions, are at higher risk. Arizona Governor Doug Ducey has issued this order:

Under the Executive Order, Arizonans shall limit their time away from their place of residence or property, except:

• To conduct or participate in essential activities, and/or;
• For employment, to volunteer or participate in essential functions; or
• To utilize any services or products provided by essential business services;
• And for employment if as a sole proprietor or family owned business, work is conducted in a separate office space from your home and the business is not open to serve the public.

Schools are also closed for the remainder of the school year. Restaurants can only provide take out or delivery options. Church has moved to home-church and temples are closed. General Conference will not be held in the Conference Center this coming weekend. Only those speaking will attend (music has been pre-recorded). T-ball and baseball were cancelled for Eleanor and Josh. Karate was cancelled. The boys take piano lessons and meet with their teachers from school via Zoom. Eleanor picks up her preschool folder with worksheets and activities in it on Tuesdays from her teacher's front porch after dropping it off with completed work on Mondays. 

We have never experienced anything like this. Suddenly all five kids are home all day, every day. I am embracing "home schooling" (I'm using quotations because this probably doesn't look like the full homeschool experience kids have who homeschool regularly - we have suggested assignments from the boys' school but nothing mandated yet.) But we follow this daily schedule and it helps our day flow pretty well for the most part. 

The older kids are also expected to complete their daily checklists (dressed, teeth brushed, read, practice piano for the boys, jobs, patch for Eleanor) before they can have Disney+ time during quiet time, which motivates them. 

The daily bike ride helps. We have been riding up to the school (Butterfield) to get lunch (a sack lunch provided by people in masks with gloves on). I try to do fun things for creative time (today we made play dough). I think I'm doing okay but sometimes my patience wears thin. The days are long and exhausting. But we're getting used to our new normal and making it work.