A little bit of hope

We started marriage counseling this week. I suggested it. Wendel really did not want to do it and felt that it was a personal attack that I even brought it up. I have brought it up a couple of times over the past couple of years but never pushed for it - only after a big disagreement and just in passing. This time I pushed for it but with the argument that I want us to work on our communication (neither of us have a good example of this to look to with our parents) and make sure we're focusing on us so we can be strong for our family. He agreed to do it, though not thrilled. I felt a lot better after we left the therapist's office. I feel like this could help, at least help me vent about the stressors in our family and bounce it off of a neutral person. It gives me a little bit of hope.

Crisis Mode

Life has never been harder or more stressful than it is now. It scares me because I feel like we can't pull out of it and may not ever be able to. The stress from our children's struggles weighs heavily in our home and on my heart and mind constantly. It is now affecting our marriage in a way that it hasn't in the past. We are taking our stress out on each other and then get easily offended and hurt by it and don't feel connected or communicate as well as we used to and it all seems so incredibly overwhelming and difficult. And tonight I screamed at Oliver at dinner time (the WORST time of the day). Wendel was at a wedding reception (after being with the kids all day while I was at Super Saturday) and I was trying to get dinner started. I had taken the boys with me earlier to vacuum out Wendel's truck (I cleaned it out for him as part of his Christmas gift, which I'm making good on a bit late) and while we were there, I let the boys get a gum ball each from the machine inside. So fast forward to dinnertime and I asked the boys to spit out the their gum in the garbage (because Oliver was playing with his in his hands). They ignored me. I asked again. Nothing. Again. And again. Oliver finally stood up and started to walk around the kitchen but then said, "I'm going to take it up to my room instead." I told him that's not what I asked him to do and that I wanted to throw it away. He again said he was going to take it to his room and I lost it. I started screaming (and I do mean screaming, not yelling) at him about being respectful and doing as he is asked. He just looked at me like he was debating if he was going to start laughing and that made me even more upset. I could feel the stress coming out in my words. I picked up a book that was on the counter and slammed it down (so hard that it hurt my hands). I was so frustrated and upset and discouraged. Oliver finally shrugged his shoulders and threw his gum away. I turned to see Josh walk out of the room. "Joshua! Where are you going?!?" He yelled angrily that he was spitting his gum out and then I remembered he had taken the trash can into the front room when they were cleaning up glass Eleanor broke by the front door. Josh started sobbing so I went in there and held him in my arms. I felt so horrible that I had lost it and screamed at them. It took a long time for Josh to calm down, to stop the sobbing. I noticed his tics intensified during this time as well. As we talked through his feelings, he told me he felt scared because I screamed. That's the last thing I want him to feel - I don't seek to teach out of fear. My heart sank in deep regret. I apologized and asked for forgiveness and asked him to apologize and then we made a deal that we would both try harder to listen quickly and not yell. I had a similar talk with Oliver and they went to bed on an okay note but Josh never did eat his dinner. I think he lost his appetite.

Then Wendel came home and we had a big fight. I don't want to recount it but it was over stupid stuff. We just are both so stressed out and we're taking it out on each other. There is so much weighing on my shoulders with Oliver's ODD and his bleak outcome (it can't be "cured" and nothing is working to change his behavior and it's affecting his self esteem, friendships, school, and especially our family life) and Anxiety, Josh's anxiety and new diagnosis of Tic Syndrome (high risk for Tourette Syndrome), Eleanor losing her contacts and the worry I feel that she will lose vision in that eye because she doesn't wear them enough and we aren't patching enough, the worry I feel about her upcoming surgery and how she is going to view herself once she gets to kindergarten, the babies with their helmets, our messy, chaotic home, and most heartbreaking, the stress all of this is causing on our marriage. Because if we aren't on the same team, I just don't even know how I can navigate this. I'm starting to lose some positivity and it's so incredibly difficult and scary.

I have to remember to keep an eternal perspective and rely heavily on my Heavenly Father and Savior and to trust in them.  I sometimes wonder how we can handle twins babies on top of what we have going on but the promptings were strong and they are here for a a reason. The atonement is real. I do all I can and it fills in the gaps.

So tired. Going to bed.

Mental Illness

I'm coming to terms with the fact that Oliver has a mental illness. I think it is easier to view him this way, rather than thinking he is healthy and just being a jerk. He is far from healthy. He is verbally abusive, emotionally falling apart, his self esteem is suffering, his pain is overwhelming. I think we are ready to try medication, for Oliver's sake and for the sake of our family dynamic. I think Josh's anxiety is greatly affected by Oliver's behavior, as well as Oliver's anxiety.

I took Oliver's baptism and 8-year-old pictures at the Gilbert Temple today. I just looked at them and can hardly believe how grown up he looks. It makes me sad in a way because I feel like I am failing him and the older he gets, the more I feel that way. Like he is further out of my grasp and will remember negative interactions more. I also saw pictures of me on that camera card and I was surprised by how old and exhausted I look. Life has definitely taken a toll these past several years.

Falling asleep...

Overwhelmed

It's almost midnight and it's been a long day but I had to write for a few minutes because I'm feeling sad tonight. I think for a long time it was easy to have a positive attitude because that is the disposition I was blessed with. I see the glass half full and try to give others the benefit of the doubt. But things are hard and stressful and I can see that slipping away from me a little bit, especially in regards to Oliver (and how I feel like I don't know how to help him) and in regards to our marriage (which has a lot of stress placed on it right now, more than ever before). I feel overwhelmed, especially because Taylor (our part-time nanny) will only be with us another month. That thought is very scary.

It is very discouraging feeling like the things I do don't make a difference. With Oliver, with Wendel, with Josh, with our house being a mess, with pretty much everything.

Falling asleep typing...