Sweet Boy

My thoughts are turned to Josh again tonight. He had a preschool field trip today to Shamrock Farms. He really enjoyed it but lately he's been telling me, "Everyone hates me," including several times today. I usually say, "Well, the good news is, that isn't true." Today he told me, "My family loves me but everyone else hates me." Today at the field trip, we all rode a tram as we toured the farm. A bunch of the pre school kids wanted to sit on the same row on the tram, saying they were "best friends." Josh and I took our seats in front of them. I told him, "You can sit up here in front of your friends." One little girl, Bailee, was sitting next to him but then moved back with the other kids at their invitation. They didn't invite Josh or say they wanted him by them. Bailee ended up moving back to our row at the insistence of the tour guide, because there wasn't room on the other row, but it wasn't because she wanted to hang out with Josh. I could tell they view him differently, maybe not consciously but at last subconsciously.

This evening Josh and Norah were helping me make dinner. She moved over to his chair when he walked into the other room for a little bit and when he came back he pushed her right off and yelled at her. I put him in time out for that and he refused to stay so after a couple of chances, I told him he had to go to bed early. This put him into a mood that is not easily changed. Wendel had to work late on a house he's flipping and I was going to go to a girl's night out with friends but I knew this mood he was in wasn't going to change so I had my babysitter come here instead and be with the babies and Norah while I got Josh to bed (which took an hour and a half). We eventually had a good talk about how he could use his words to express his frustration with Norah instead of pushing and yelling. Sometimes he says things to me like, "I love you mom. What would I ever do without you? How could I live without you?" And tonight I had the thought of what will he do when I'm gone, this sweet boy of mine who will hardly open up to anyone else. And that breaks my heart.

Missing my grandparents

Wendel blessed our sweet boys at church today. They were both given beautiful blessings and it was a nice day with family. I will share more another time but wanted to quickly write that this morning as I was getting ready, I was thinking about Grandma and Grandpa Roberts (especially Grandma) and missing them. I thought of how much I would love to sit down and talk with them and how I missed her matter of fact way of expressing herself, how she had a story for everything and loved to talk, how she called me "Ash," how she never gave up on my dad, how she would have loved to attend the babies' blessings today if possible...and I felt an overwhelming feeling of missing her but also feeling like she and Grandpa weren't far away today. It brought tears to my eyes. Before leaving for the church, I slipped on a ring that used to be hers that I picked out when I was in high school. I remember her saying, "You want that ring? It's just a cheap thing," or something like that. But I liked it and I like that it reminds me of her. The veil felt a little bit thiner today.

It is almost midnight now so I will continue writing about the boys' blessings another time.

Feeling Overwhelmed

I'm sitting here on the couch at 9:52 on a Friday evening. My heart is heavy and I feel overwhelmed with Oliver's ODD diagnosis. He was diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Anxiety about a year ago by a Developmental Pediatrician at The Melmed Center. He is an amazing kid. He is sweet with his baby brothers, kind to animals, fun to be around on his good days, loves to be silly, will often do kind things for others, he has friends and has a best friend whom he loves, he is good at math and interested in figuring out how things work...but he can turn in an instant, raging in anger, destroying things, difficulty controlling his emotions, lying, screaming, throwing, punching, blaming, negative self talk, playing the victim...I think the hardest part is the lack of understanding from pretty much everyone. People don't understand his struggles to control what come more naturally to other children. They don't understand that it's not a "parenting" or "discipline" issue. That we're not bad, inconsistent parents who let our kid walk all over us. They don't get that every single thing we do or say is met with resistance and that you absolutely have to choose your battles and let some things go and that is is extremely exhausting. They don't get the pain our son goes through as he is yelling and crying, "I'm just the kid who destroys things!" "I'm the worst kid in my family!" "All I do is lie!" It is heartbreaking.

I try so hard to be patient with him. I try to understand and connect, research and apply, apologize and love. So often I feel that I'm failing him.

Tonight I had a couple of thoughts. First, when I went into his room to check on him after he fell asleep, with tears running down my face, I had the thought that I just need to love him. When he is angry, show him an outpouring of unconditional love. Easier said than done.

Then I came downstairs and stood in our kitchen and felt so alone. I am part of a couple of support groups on Facebook for parents of ODD kids and it helps to know there are others out there. But here in the non-virtual world, I feel pretty isolated. I thought of our Savior and how he sacrificed so much to be able to succor us and mourn with us in times of heartache. I then thought about how Oliver will one day be made whole when he is resurrected, an extraordinary gift from our Savior. He conquered death, as will we. This gives me hope for my son, hope that these challenges will not be forever for him.

But I also want him to find joy and hope in this life. I want him to know how much I love him, even though it's not always easy for us to connect. I want him to know I will fight for him and do all I can to ease these challenges. Sometimes I am impatient and get frustrated (tonight he told me I'm like Ms. Adamick, his English teacher whom he doesn't like because she's not very nice). But I am a constant in his life and that will never change.

Josh & Oliver after the Primary Program this year. October 2017