Shame

 I went to Halley's house this morning so we could hang out with Mikaela, whom we minister to. I love them both but always feel a little stressed when I bring my kids to play dates like this. Mostly the twins. I prepped them in advance that saying bad words would earn them sitting in the car with me. At one point Nathan threw a bin of legos in frustration. When I asked him to clean it up he yelled, "No! Shut up!" Halley audibly gasped. Both of them looked at me as I picked him up and took him out to the car. We sat there for about ten minutes. We eventually talked about why he was in time out and he said sorry. He apologized to Halley and she forgave him. Later Zach was talking very loudly and Halley commented, "Wow, you must really want to be heard." I feel like so often our kids don't meet her / others' expectations and then I feel shame. But then I remember that they don't understand that some of our kids struggle with impulse control and how the ADHD brain works (there isn't that "pause" that other kids are fortunate to have that allows them to evaluate if something is a good idea or not). Halley is my friend and I love her but even those who fall in this category often don't get it and I feel a bit judged. Trying not to let it affect me. Trying to have hope that the boys won't be like this in preschool and get kicked out...and hope that they will make it to preschool with potty training. I've got two months to wrap that up. Wish me luck.

Some thoughts

 I feel stuck and I don't like it. The overwhelm, the paralyzing perfectionism, the anxiety. I can't ever seem to get on top of my house and I feel shame about it. I feel embarrassed to invite people to our home, even kids for playdates, so I often don't. I had some kids over for a playdate last month, after their mom had invited our kids to her house the week prior. I was a little nervous but the kids' home is pretty cluttered and not very tidy so I thought they wouldn't be too judgmental. The oldest kid said these things while at our house: "I'm pretty sure this house was cleaner last time." "This house is a wreck!" Kids. They are so dang honest. Several months ago, the boys' friend, Jimmy Hoeh, was supposed to come over to our house after school with his sister while his parents had other obligations. They didn't come home with the boys so I texted his mom and she said they went with their grandma instead. When I asked Oliver about it, he said he and Jimmy had some contention and Jimmy yelled at him, "I don't want to come over! Your house is too trashy!" (He hasn't been to our house since, though we have invited him, but the boys go to his house often. His family is moving to CO soon.) We met Oliver's new friend, Kaden, at the park the other day with his mom and sister. His mom suggested we could meet at one of our houses next time, as it might be easier with the twins. I told her to be honest, it's difficult for me to have people over because it's difficult to keep up with our house. She said she hopes we can be the kind of friends who don't have to clean for each other. She said she doesn't like clutter in her house either but everyone's house gets a little messy. This is not a little messy. It's a whole other thing that I don't think a lot of people I know can relate to. I was talking to my SIL, Meagan, the other day about it. She said she was having the YW over to swim and had been gardening that day. She said she didn't have time to put away the gardening tools and mulch, etc and had to shove it behind something in her backyard. She said she was a little embarrassed but moved on because that's just how it is. Again, I feel like it's a whole other level that people just don't get. We have so many weeds and things in our backyard...I know comparison is the their of joy. It's more a matter of how it affects my and my family's mental health and the social aspect as well.

How do I get out of this overwhelm? The perfectionism tells me I have to have all of the kids out of the house so I can tackle it. It tells me to wait until the twins are in Kindergarten because what's the point right now anyway? It tells me it's all or nothing and I definitely can't do it all so it ends up being nothing. That kind of thinking is paralyzing. I try to power through, to give myself pep talks and make lists, hold myself accountable with an accountability partner. I get a few minutes in and kids need me. There are many demands and it's all very overwhelming. Sarah Chaston comes over on Mondays to help me but she has her kids and I have mine. We get some stuff done and it's helpful but also not a huge improvement overall. I still feel the overwhelm so strongly.

I feel like it's all on me. I have to figure out how to get out of this. Oliver is helping more lately and I appreciate it. I think he's realizing that he just feels better in a clean environment. 

Some of my ideas:

• Have kids set out backpacks, water bottles and snack the night before.
• Me: set out clothes the night before.
• Set timer for 1 hour every day to clean. Prioritize! 
• Daily cleaning focus.
• Watch Unburdened (purchased class about minimizing) an follow lessons
• Put my phone in the same place every time (I misplace it all the time)
• Clean It Challenge with Kendra Hennessey. I don't think this was a coincidence at all. I had a meeting at the church this evening and pulled up a podcast to listen to on the way. Usually I listen to spiritual podcasts on Sundays and I rarely ever listen to Kendra's podcast but for some reason the title caught my eye. She talked about this challenge she's starting tomorrow. It looks like something I could use. I consider it a tender mercy. 

Here's to hoping some of these things will help. 

A brief update

We're nine months into this pandemic. It has been a difficult year. The vaccination is now available for health care providers and teachers. My mom is a teacher's aid and is going to get it in the next couple of weeks. Since we have been able to go back to church in person (it has been several months now), we have divided the ward by last name - the first half on one Sunday and the second half the next. The group that didn't go in person would do in-home church and more recently, watch it broadcasted. The chapel was pretty sparse with people. Everyone was grouped with families only and then one bench blocked off for social distancing and then another family on the bench after that. Today was the first Sunday we have had our entire ward meet together since the pandemic started. I saw some families I haven't seen since March. As I looked around, tears came to my eyes. I have missed our ward family. I have missed the unity and feeling that comes with all of us filling the chapel and cultural hall. Listening to the songs about our Savior and singing hymns of praise, I felt peace and joy. I don't want to ever take for granted being able to worship in our chapel together. To sing (for a while we couldn't sing - only listen to the organ during the hymns), listen to musical numbers and members bearing their testimonies. As I walked across the cultural hall after church, I still felt a pang of sadness because that is where my exercise class was and I miss it so much. But things will not always be this way. Looking forward to brighter days ahead.

Thought download - overwhelm

 I feel overwhelmed about our house. I walk into it and feel anxiety. There is clutter on every shelf, every surface, toys, shoes, clothes and trash on the floor. The kitchen floor is dirty and there is a laundry basket with overflowing clothes in the kitchen, outside of the laundry room because the boys broke the washing machine recently while playing hide and seek in it and the laundry is piling up. I feel like I am wading through sand or water, up to my waste, as I tell myself I can do this and begin on a task. I begin to load the dishwasher and get pulled away numerous times. The twins are fighting, Eleanor wants to get the paints out or wants me to read with her, Josh is upset and raging, Oliver wants to tell me something. All of these things are important and I want to give my attention to them. Then I go back to the dishwasher, only to be interrupted again. It's time to encourage the twins to go potty and they want me to be in the bathroom with them. Or it's their nap time and I need to change them and put the in the Excursion and give them their sippy cups. While they nap, I need to patch Eleanor. That is our special time before we pick up Josh and Oliver gets home from school. I may have started the dishwasher by this time but sometimes not. And that is one task of many. When I look around our house, it looks like nothing has been done. There are still dishes in the sink because with a family this big, there always are. The high counter has stuff piled on it. I clear it and it's back to looking like this within a few days. The play kitchen has so many clothes on it, they are falling off. The glass on the TV stand has dirty steaks on it and has for years but that can't be a priority right now. Not when we can't even walk to the couch without tripping on something. Last night after we read scriptures as a family, Wendel walked across the room to go upstairs and tripped over some train tracks and fell. He hurt his ankle and was pretty grumpy. Then there is bedtime, which takes until about 10-10:30 every night and last night Wendel was with Josh until about 11:30. I think I will get stuff done at night but by the time I do one small task and sit down to relax, it's almost midnight. The responsibilities are many with children who have so many needs, especially the mental and emotional ones, and things have been very difficult lately in that regard. I feel like I can't keep up, like I'm sinking in quicksand, trying to keep my head up to breathe and so much depends on me. My perfectionism tendencies also don't help. I get into an "all or nothing" mentality and then feel like I'm failing if I can't do it all (which I never can anymore). I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, I have had suicidal thoughts (not specific - only general), anxiety and possible depression. I know I need to minimize but that takes time. Even sorting through toys and books takes time I don't feel like I have. I will do a little but it doesn't seem like enough to make a difference.

Unintentional Model

Circumstance: I have many demands on me, including five children, three of whom have special needs of some kind and twin toddlers. 

Thoughts: I can't keep up. I'm drowning. I feel shame about our house. I don't want to have anyone over. I don't want to be here. I'm embaressed when our kids' friends come over or when people come to the door. I feel like I should be able to handle this but I can't. Having company over requires about a week of prep time. If anyone drops by unexpectedly, I start feeling anxious. 

Facts: There is clutter in our home and toys and clothes on the floor. Perfectionism is holding me back. 

Actions: Give myself a pep talk and do what I can. 

Results: A little bit gets done but I still feel very overwhelmed. 

Intentional Model

Circumstance: I have many demands on me, including five children, three of whom have special needs of some kind and twin toddlers. 

Thoughts: What if this is exactly how it is supposed to be right now? What if the experiences I'm having with difficulty keeping up and feeling overwhelmed will help me learn and grow and help others? What if this is the exact thing I need to help me understand that progress will serve me better than perfection? 

Facts: There is clutter in our home and toys and clothes on the floor. Perfectionism is holding me back. 

Actions: Make three house goals each day and check them off. Reward myself for completing them. 

Results: Making progress is satisfying and will help me remain calm and centered.

Drawing strength from my ancestors

Lately I have been very interested in my family history. I have been interested in my family history in general for a long time - definitely at least since I went to Ricks College when I was 19 years old and took a family history class there. I don't remember a lot about it and I don't remember stories or ancestors making an impression on me. I mostly remember entering dates and stuff like that. I recently logged into Family Tree app because I am creating a TIMF card, which has a picture of an ancestor on the front and my family pedigree chart on the back. The purpose is to share the card with non-members to explain about family history work and why it's important, which is a great missionary tool. I realized there is a "memories" tab under each person and some of them have life sketches or life histories and there are pictures and sometimes funeral programs, pictures of the grave sites, etc. As I have been reading these histories, I have often stopped and appreciated the strength of these women who came before me. They did hard things and many of them had faith that I admire. I want to write down the things that are inspiring me about these women so I can draw on their experiences when I need strength and encouragement and so I can share them with Eleanor at some point.

Sidonie Eliza Constance Bunot Roberts

• Her parents locked in her in room often out of necessity when she was a little girl because they were planning to leave France to go to the United States and her grandfather's family wanted to take her to keep her there with them. I can only imagine what this was like for her. She was an only child, very young and must have felt lonely and bored.
• In 1861, they traveled from France to London, England and then sailed to America, arriving in New York in June of 1861. Over the next month, they traveled by steam boat and railway until they reached Florence, Nebraska. They then traveled across the plains with other Saints (about 500, led by John R. Murdock) and arrived in SCL, Utah on September 12, 1861. Sidonie was born in 1856, which means she was only five years old when they arrived in Utah after that long journey! That is quite an extensive traveling experience for such a young child, especially under difficult conditions (she mentioned being sea sick on the boat and being scared of coyotes and "indians" while crossing the plains). 
• Her parents spoke French in their home. She learned English from other children and would interpret for her mom wherever they went, as her mother never learned to speak English well. I can imagine it would be difficult to translate all the time as a young child. 
• In February 1862, her father, Joseph, took a plural wife. Sidonie would've been six years old at this time. I am trying to imagine how she must have felt to have basically a stepmother living with her and her parents. I think the dynamics of that arrangement would be difficult for a young child to understand (and I wonder how her mother and father felt about it as well). 
• Sidonie's mother got very sick and passed away on December 3, 1866. Sidonie would have been ten years old when her mother died and turned 11 one month after. It was just before Christmas and that must have been even more difficult for her, not only that first year but every year after. 
• Sidonie's father left shortly after with a surveying crew for the railroad and was gone for about a year. Sidonie was left with her stepmother, Louise (Richard), who was kind to her and tried to be a good mother. She had two kids of her own at this point. Sidonie often watched the children while her stepmother worked. Sidonie said this was a very difficult time while her father was gone and that he was gone such a long time, they thought "he was killed by indians." They were all joyful and relieved when he returned.
• When he was only 6 years old, Sidonie's half-brother, Joseph, died. The history doesn't specify how but I can only imagine this would be so sad for Sidonie, who spent time with Joseph and cared for him while his mother was at work. He was also probably her playmate, as he was older than his other sibling. 
• When Sidonie was 14, her father married another wife, who lived with them, Ann Hunt Price. She was only 18 and Sidonie's father was 42. I can imagine this may have been a difficult adjustment, especially after losing her mother four years prior. Ann was also only four years older than Sidonie at the time of their marriage, which may have felt uncomfortable for Sidonie. 
• When Sidonie was 17 years old, she married Tom Roberts, who was 21 in 1873. They had twin boys but one of them, Joseph, only lived for 35 days. They had 11 more children after the twins. Losing a child must have been heart wrenching. This child had the same name as her half brother, who also passed away young. 
• This part I will quote from the history: "Thomas had been invited to join his brother, Arthur, in a partnership in the mercantile business in Star Valley, Wyoming. He talked it over with Sidonie and they decided to accept the offer. Sidonie realized it meant giving up her nice home in the city for a crude log cabin in undeveloped territory, but she was no stranger to pioneering. She had five sons growing up and they would all soon need to be employed profitably. She was willing to make the sacrifice and was not afraid of this new adventure." I love that Sidonie looked at the big picture and was willing to sacrifice for her family, especially her children and what would be best for them. 

I feel like I don't have much left to give...

 My feelings are raw tonight. Sometimes I feel like I just don't have anything left to give, like the demands placed on me are greater than I can respond to. I hold it together for so long...the big emotions, the meltdowns, the contention, the rude words, the "I hate yous," the spitting in my face (Zach's new favorite way to show he's not happy with me), the potty accidents, the messes (This morning the twins turned on the bathtub while I was downstairs making Josh's and Eleanor's lunches and turned the faucet so it got water all over the floor and leaked into the laundry room downstairs. They also squirted toothpaste out of the tube all over the bathroom floor. I was too rushed to take care of it to stop to take a picture this time.), bedtime that takes FOREVER (it takes Josh hours to fall asleep and it often takes Nathan a really long time as well), the night terrors (Poor Zach. Poor Mom.), Josh constantly coming into our bed throughout the night (no matter how many times I take him back to his room), sleeping on the twins' floor half of the night (and then sneaking back into our bed for an hour before Zach wakes up for the day only to find Josh in there...again), Zach waking up at 5:30, trying to get him to fall back asleep on the couch downstairs - but first he wants a cheese stick...dropping off, picking up, making dinner, hearing complaints about dinner, asking Eleanor about school and having her ignore my questions with a grumpy expression on her face (even though she loves school and is very pleasant while she is there - it's just me), cleaning up something just to have it messy again an hour or so later, constantly fighting the screen time battle, trying different medications with Josh and navigating their horrible side effects, not even having a minute to myself to pee without someone banging on the door or crying, not being able to shower without an audience or breaking up a fight, someone needing me every minute of the day, feeling stretched so thin, not being able to meet my kids' demands for my attention as often as they would like, feeling ashamed of our house, not having the mental energy to make much headway on our house, feeling like Wendel and I are passing ships - we barely get a few words in without being interrupted and when he is here, we're in kid mode, reading scriptures and doing bedtime and he often falls asleep on Josh's bed...patching Eleanor's eye and staying on top of her appointments, convincing Josh to get dressed in the morning for school...bribing him with a prize from the prize bin if he will so we won't be late, wondering how to help him, researching, calling doctors, looking into medications and also homeopathy approaches, trying to fit in scriptures and sometimes exercise, dishes and laundry - repeat each day...feeling isolated from so many because of our kids' challenges, feeling a bit of shame and sadness because people don't understand and think we're not good parents, praying and fasting, striving to repair, apologizing a lot, wondering if survival mode will ever end. Even after I typed those words, I sat here with my fingers hovering over the keys and my eyes closed...I am so tired. 

Ever since Josh had aggression side effects from Vyvanse and would rage for 1.5 - 2 hours, the twins have mimicked the yelling and especially the words. (Stupid, idiot, I hate you, you're so stupid, and their personal favorite - "butt cheek.") I don't know how to stop it and I'm exhausted trying. I've tried everything and nothing works. Tonight the twins were in the bath and I was about to get in the shower. They were fighting over a blue plastic bowling pin. I tried helping the solve the problem but it was only escalating. I tried taking it from their hands because they were getting so mad at each other and I thought they might hurt each other. Nathan then yelled in my face, "YOU'RE A BUTT CHEEK! I HATE YOU!" I just couldn't take it anymore. I was in flight or fight mode and I chose the later. I slapped my sweet boys' face and he fell back (off balance a bit - he was sitting down) and hit his opposite ear against the wall of the bathtub. And then I screamed. And it was not pretty. It was like I was getting everything I was feeling that I wrote about above off of my chest. But the words were aimed at Nathan. "Don't you ever call me that again!" Then I got in the shower and buried my face in my hands. Both Nathan and Zach were crying. Zach was angry and throwing things, yelling "You hurt my feelings!" and "You hurt me!" (The screaming really affected him, which is understandable.) Eleanor and I also had a disagreement about the way she spoke to me when she went to bed and she ended up putting herself to bed and fell asleep, angry and hurt.

I feel terrible, tired, exhausted, worn down, and like I don't know how I can keep doing this for the next 15 years. Tonight I feel like I failed my kids. I need to do better. I love them and they are precious to me. I am under so much stress and going on little sleep and I just snapped. Going to bed now.

Hurting for our boy

 I've heard that when you don't know what to write, just start writing and brain dump everything that's on your mind. Here goes. 

Josh's behavior is extremely challenging. It is affecting our younger kids and Josh's relationship with us as his parents. Oliver was like this to some degree and he is doing great. That gives me hope. Josh is angry and aggressive a lot of the time. Part of it is due to his new medication, Vyvanse, but he hasn't taken it the past couple of days. I think part of it is that he feels misunderstood and often feels blamed or singled out for his impulsive and aggressive behavior. Online school is hard. Thankfully my friend, Kristy Hoeh, offered to have him over three days a week to do school work with her son, Jimmy (who is friends with Josh and in his class). Josh can focus enough to get by with his meds but without, it's rough. Maybe an hour or so of schoolwork done. But with meds, there are side effects. Stomach aches, decrease in appetite and extreme rage when it wears off. Throwing things, screaming, even aggressive to himself. My exhaustion has hit a new all time level. We're changing meds. We're changing schools. The twins imitate his behavior. They yell things at me that are disrespectful and I would be embarresed for any of my friends to hear. 

I am worried about Josh's self esteem. I am worried about my relationship with him. Somehow he isn't feeling our love.

For myself, I feel isolated. We went to our friend's home for dinner and a birthday party for their daughter last month. These friends moved here recently from WA. I have known Julie for 13 years. We were in our BASW programs together. She, Jessica and I were close and stuck together through the program. I feel like people like me an I have good raport and a good friendship with them...until they spend time with our kids. I didn't want her opinion of me to change. I didn't want to fall into that category with her of "I can't believe you let your kids walk all over you" or "I would never let my kid get away with that." She didn't say these things to me and it's not fair to put words into her mouth. I guess I'm a little nervous because years ago, another friend called me. We had previously been in their home several times for dinner, hanging out, etc. with our kids. Eleanor is their daughter's good friend. We were planning to spend Thanksgiving in their home, I believe it was. Or maybe just getting together for dinner - I can't remember the details. But I remember where I was standing in our kitchen, near the laundry room when she said, "We really want you guys to come - just maybe not your kids." Then she laughed as though she was kidding. This was a family event - everyone else was bringing their kids. It was difficult not to take it personally. This is the same friend who once told me, "We don't necessarily think you're a BAD mom..." and the same friend who once came to our house to pick up Eleanor for dance and the older boys were running around the house, being loud and teasing each other. This friend said, "Goodness, you're raising a bunch of hulligans over here!" My reaction must have been pretty transparent on my face because she said, "You're not really offended that easily are you?" I told her it actually was hurtful but I know her heart and know she didn't mean to be hurtful. It's just a sensitive subject. 

It'ts not that we haven't tried to discipline - we've done everything you can think of. Consequences, positive parenting, researching the experts in the field of ADHD and anxiety, 1:1 time, rewards, other incentives, notes under pillows, etc. We continue to see defiant, angry, aggressive, negative behavior and don't know how to make it stop. Oliver has come so far. He has matured and is doing great for the most part. But my heart hurts for Josh. He has ADHD, anxiety, Tic Syndrome and OCD and I don't know how to help him. There is so much going on in our house. It's loud a lot and overwhelming. It's difficult to find the time to keep up with it and I think that contributes to everyone's anxiety. 

My eyes are closing and staying closed for longer periods of time. I need to go to sleep. It helps to jot a few things down, even if it's not a perfect sharing.