Judgement

I have stepped into my laundry room (with my laptop on the washing machine) to quickly type this post because the twins are at a very clingy age where if they see me, they cry and want to be held, but if I'm not in the room, they're fine. They are teething so I think that contributes. I only have a little bit of time before going to get Eleanor from preschool so I will be brief.

Yesterday evening Wendel's mom came over to bring the kids a play garbage truck she found at Goodwill (their obsession). It was around 5:45 / 6:00 when she got here. This is a rough time of day for the kids. The boys are done mentally from being at school all day. They have very little control of their emotions at this point. Eleanor is done because she doesn't nap anymore and she is so tired by this point. The twins as well. Josh was having an especially hard day. Oliver was teasing him a little and Josh went ballistic. He was screaming as loudly as he could, kicking things around the house, would not calm down, etc. He had been in his room for time out and just got out right before Linda came over. The boys started fighting (verbally) and it got pretty intense. I firmly told them they needed to stop and they would have a consequence. It continued. I asked Oliver to go into the other room. He would not. I only used words at this point to redirect. Linda seemed shocked at their behavior and said to me, "You really need to be harder on these kids." That, of course, made me feel terrible, like their behavior is my fault. "If I were the mother in this situation, I would grab Josh by the arm and make him sit in time out." I told her he was just in time out before she came and that when he is this upset, he will not stay in time out. He will be aggressive an spiral out of control. I told her we've tried everything - I have even spanked them in the past and it does not work at all (though only a few times and I don't agree with that method of disciplining). She then continued to say, "I'm glad I don't have to deal with this stuff anymore. I'm glad that's in the past for me." Again, not helpful. Josh continued to get more worked up and angry so I asked him if he wanted to walk to his room or if he wanted me to carry him. He yelled that he wouldn't go so I picked him up and carry him, with him hitting me as I walked. I could feel the judgement as I walked away with him. I struggled to make it to his room because he was using his whole body weight to thrash against me and was screaming as loudly as he could. I got us both into his bedroom and sat on the floor with my back against his door so he couldn't open it. This made him more angry. He punched me in the shoulder and rammed his body against mine. I knew he was using the reptile part of his brain and could not be reasoned with. I continued to talk in a calm voice and told him that he was welcome to come out of his room when his voice was calm like mine. I did not get sucked into a power struggle. I did not yell or use aggression. I tried hugging him a few times or holding him tightly but he wouldn't have it. After about 10 minutes or so of him trying to fight against me and get free, he laid on the ground and sobbed in defeat. I gave him a couple of minutes to do that and then tried to change his mindset. I said, "Hey Josh, do you know the actions to 'Once There was a Snowman'? Do you want to sing that one with me or a different song?" He said, "That one." So we both stood up and did the actions together while we sang. We ended up on the floor, laughing at the silliness. Then I asked him if I could give him a hug and he said yes. Then he laid his head on my lap and I tickled his back for a minute. At this point, I talked with him about his behavior (*Connect and redirect* - something I learned from the book "The Whole Brain Child.") and that it's okay to be angry but it isn't okay to scream at people, hit, or kick things around the room. He said he was sorry and that he did it because Oliver was teasing him. We talked about what he could do instead. I then had him go downstairs and apologize to Linda and Oliver. A few minutes later, Josh was angry about something else and raised his voice again. Linda said to him, "Josh, you're being a very naughty boy. Very, very naughty." I knew this wouldn't go over well. Josh yelled, "WELL, I DON'T CARE IF I'M NAUGHTY!!!" "Well, you should care." "WELL, I DON'T!" "Well, Heavenly Father cares." "WELL, I DON'T!" I didn't appreciate that she called him naughty or that she tried to guilt him into changing his behavior because I know these things don't work. But I also know that it takes time to learn these lessons and I am in the thick of it every day and that people just don't understand so I can't hold that against them. And yet it is still hurtful and challenging. And I feel judged all the time. By so many people. And that's really challenging.

We had the intake with the therapist in our home last Wednesday and should be getting a call from the Behavior Coach any day to get that going. Wendel is going out of town for work for a month on Sunday and I'm nervous about that but hopeful that we'll make it okay and I won't lose it. Some women from the ward are going to help me in the evenings, which I am very grateful for.

Gotta run to get Norah now.

An update

School started about a month ago, so that's good. Josh loves Kindergarten and learning Spanish. He has come to terms with the toilet in his classroom, thanks to Wendel working him through it on Meet-the-Teacher night, so there aren't any issues there (he has a fear of most toilets). Oliver seems to like school okay but feels like 3rd Grade is a lot harder than 2nd. He has already had two refocus sheets (for not paying attention, talking in class, playing with his pencil, arguing with an adult, etc). Mornings are difficult because the boys have to get up at 5:45 to make the bus that comes at 6:22. Josh especially struggles with being able to focus and move quickly to complete the tasks necessary to get out the door. It was really hard the first couple of weeks (both boys were grounded for one week from playing with friends because they would not follow directions and missed the bus as a result) but now it's going better. Oliver often gets up on his own and Josh will move a little faster if I'm sitting in his room with him while he gets dressed. Afternoons can be very challenging as well. Usually Josh is in a pretty good mood when he gets off of the bus (he's often the first one off and runs to me and hugs me) but sometimes he's not. Oliver is usually grumpy. The minute they get into the car, or sometimes before, the boys start fighting - teasing, pushing, yelling, blaming, annoyed with each other, etc. It mostly continues that way until bedtime, which is really hard for me.

I really think Josh has ADHD. His doctor is monitoring him for it but wants to see if it manifests at school before she diagnoses him. Both of his preschool teachers expressed concerns about it and it is very apparent here at home. We see difficulty focusing, not sitting in his chair at dinner (he stands on the bar at the bottom of the chair and rocks the chair), he often can't remember what task he was assigned a minute prior, he has difficulty controlling his emotions (especially anger - he explodes instantaneously), he repeats a lot of the same behaviors over again, even though those behaviors have yielded negative results in the past, etc.

While we have seen some improvement with Oliver's behavior, it feels like one step forward and two steps back. We constantly feel frustrated, discouraged and like we are failing him. There is a little bit of hope though. We are going to start in-home behavior coaching. The people at this agency all have first hand experience with special needs kids and our behavioral coach has a degree in Special Education. She has worked with ODD and ADHD kids before. I need this to work. Holding onto this hope.

So ready.

Summer Camp has ended, basketball has ended, and now there are two weeks of summer left before school starts. The boys fight SO MUCH. The days are difficult. I feel like my energy is so drained by the end of the day after listening to constant fighting, tattling, potty words, emotional meltdowns, not listening, asking over and over, etc. Life feels really hard right now in that regard. We've had some fun times this summer, including Sunsplash as a family earlier this week, but I'm definitely ready for school to start. Bring it on.

Welcoming the Holy Ghost in Our Home

It is 12:10am and I really, really need to be asleep. But quickly before I go to bed, I want to share an experience that happened today so I don't forget. While Oliver's behavior has improved greatly, he and Josh still fight all the time and this afternoon was especially bad. At one point, I had to go upstairs for some reason and went into Eleanor's room to get something. I had the thought that I hadn't really prayed today so I sat down in her rocking chair and began praying out loud. One thing I said was that I was concerned about the Spirit being present in our home with so much contention. I immediately had the thought, "Teach them." I closed the prayer, went downstairs, and asked Oliver, Josh and Eleanor to join me on the living room floor. We sat in a circle and held hands. I told them that I had just been praying and that one thing I told Heavenly Father I was worried about is that the Holy Ghost might not want to be in our home because there is so much fighting. I told the kids it is so important that the Holy Ghost feels welcome in our home because we need His help so much. I asked him what the Holy Ghost can help us with. Either Oliver or Josh said he can comfort us. We talked about how important it is that we have that comfort. I told them He can also warn us of danger, guide us, protect us, and many other things. I asked them if they would try to get along so the Holy Ghost will feel welcome and they said yes. There was still contention later that continued until they were in bed, falling asleep, but I feel grateful for that inspiration, which I think hit home with them.

Looking Up

We have seen some progress with Oliver lately. He is a little more mature, not quite as impulsive (though definitely still somewhat), doesn't blame as often, is more quick to apologize, etc. We started him on medication, Guanfacine, about a month ago. It wasn't an easy decision to make. This is the most mild option with the least amount of side effects. The medication was designed as a blood pressure medication but has a side effect of being calming. I have to say I felt peace about going forward with it when I prayed about it or we wouldn't have. Still, I feel bad when I see how tired he was as he was adjusting to it and how his stomach and head hurts sometimes. But I'm seeing an improvement in his behavior overall (There are still some really intense, rough times, but he seems to recover faster and apologizes more sincerely after: "Mom, I'm really sorry. It wasn't your fault at all. I just lost control of my emotions." - mouth dropping open..). Overall, I'm feeling pretty good about going into summer in a week (which has not been the case in years past). Things are looking up.

Feeling helpless

Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I didn't go to bed until about 1:00 am and then tossed and turned, unable to stop thinking about Oliver.

Finding joy along the way

It's almost midnight and I have a cough that won't go away so I need to get to bed. I stayed up late, alone, to watch a movie and have some "me" time, which is such a luxury. I probably should have gone to bed early instead.

I just wanted to express how hard it is to have 1:1 time with our children when there are five of them. I could do it with three but now it's so much more difficult. I got a little 1:1 time with Nathan last night because he was up late due to napping late. I played with him and made him laugh and it was so fun. He let me rock him to sleep (not usual but he has an ear infection) and I just savored that time with him. I picked Oliver up from the bus while Taylor was here with the other kids and quickly ran him through a drive thru for ice cream and chatted with him about school on the way. I patched Eleanor's eye and chatted with her about Butterfly Wonderland (which we visited yesterday with Josh's preschool class fieldtrip) and then spun her in circles and tickled her. I made Josh laugh tonight and told him that he's my "garbage hero" when he emptied all of the garbage cans in the house today. I gave the babies lots of kisses and hugs and sang them personalized songs throughout the day. I'm trying to connect with each of them, and with Wendel, and keep everyone organized and keep up with the house, etc. It's a lot, for sure. When I think of how crazy it is and how hard it is to keep up, when I see moms with two kids (by choice) look at me like I'm crazy for having five (that happened twice this week - two different mom friends of mine), when I feel like I'm drowning or I doubt myself or wonder if I'm failing them and how we'll make it, I think about the strong promptings I had about the babies. That our family wasn't complete. And how perfectly they have completed our family. It is hard, yes. It is messy and not graceful. But we are doing it. And there's a lot of joy along the way.