Heartache

So many thoughts are going through my head right now. We have been "sheltering in place" for a little over a month now. That means the kids and I only leave the house to go on our daily bike ride up to Butterfield Elementary to get free food and then we sometimes go to the open field by our house to hang out there for a while and burn some energy (we have flown kites, did some butterfly catching, the kids love to burn things with a magnifying glass [not my favorite activity and they have to have water nearby to pour on if a fire starts], a scavenger hunt, playing chase / tag, or just eating food there). We have only driven in the Excursion a handful of times this past month and it always feels pretty weird when we do. I have seen lot of positives (less anxiety from school, no more early mornings to rush to the bus, no more bus and all that comes with it to deal with (thankfully!!), more intentional time (floor puzzles, reading, the other day I played "Candle on the Water" on the piano - I was singing and Oliver joined me in singing as well, even though he had never heard the song before), we have done lots of crafts and fun hands-on things, the older kids have slept on the trampoline, in the twins' room, etc.) and lots of fighting, patience tried, the twins get into everything and make messes, I don't have any time to devote to the house after helping with school work all day, I am drained, etc on the other side. But we are healthy and that is all that matters.

But tonight I'm logging in because my heart is heavy for my sister, Lindsey. She is amazing - so giving, fun, thoughtful and generally positive. She is also an alcoholic, which doesn't define her but is definitely something she has struggled with the past couple of years. She completed inpatient rehab a little over a year ago and was sober for a year. She did so great! She has since relapsed and just recently she did again. She had five days of sobriety this past week and it was amazing. I asked her if she would be willing to read scriptures with me and she said yes so we read every night of those five days. We shared our thoughts and insights, I ordered a Book of Mormon Journal Edition for her (because her old scriptures she marked up for Skye got lost) and she was so excited to write in that. We also read from the AA book together and that helped me understand her addiction a little more. But then she relapsed again. She texted and said she went to the liquor store and then shut me out for a couple of days. Justin called me yesterday and said she told him she wrote a suicide note and letter to Skye and where to find them. He told me he can't keep doing this and was letting me know so I could do with the info what I wanted. I spoke with Tyson and my mom. Mom went over to Lindsey's last night to check on her. We were all pretty concerned and just wanted to make sure she was okay. She was but had been sleeping all day and night and was very tired. Lindsey promised our mom to answer her calls or she would be right back there to check on her again (which Lindsey didn't appreciate).

Lindsey texted me this morning and said she's upset with herself and is going to get back on track. She said she was sorry for scaring me yesterday and that she slept all day. I called this afternoon and she said she was still sleeping. I called tonight and we talked and I'm pretty worried. This is what I wrote to Tyson after talking with her:

Sorry to text late. I just talked to Lindsey and I'm concerned that she's giving up. She said Justin keeps telling her she's an "F up" and that she can't heyy it together and should just go drink until she doesn't have a pulse. He said she doesn't even know how to parent and that he has to do it all himself. I brought up the suicide thing. She said she was drunk and upset when she said it to him but that she wouldn't actually commit suicide. But she did say she knows she is going to die if she keeps drinking like this but she is losing motivation to stop. She said something really concerning - that if she died, all of her money could go to Skye. And also, that she believes Justin wants her to die so they don't have to deal with her anymore and Justin can have someone else be the mother figure for Sky who has her life together. Lindsay was also really down about Justin calling his attorney and now she can only have supervised visits with Skye. She also said Justin talks bad about our family all the time and tells her if we really cared about her we would be there helping her but obviously we do not. I tried being really positive and focusing on her strengths, how valuable she is to Skye, how much worth she has, regardless of anything Justin or any other man ever says to her. She said Skye could live without her, just like she lived without a dad her whole life. I pointed out that she did and does still have a dad who is living and loves her, even though there have been some rocky times and she was not close to him when she was younger. I said that is very different than having a parent pass away. She was really emotional about Dad and cried a lot when she mentioned him. She said she does not really think Skye needs her but that she is not planning to kill herself. She just doesn't want to try anymore. But then at another time during the conversation, she said she is going to keep trying and not give up. I was pushing pretty hard for impatient right away, just paying cash and not waiting around for Medicaid to go through someday. She said she would rather save that money so she could buy a house for her and Skye in the future and I told her it's better to get help now so that she is still alive to have a house that she can work towards in the future with Skye. I think she was drinking - not totally wasted though. She was very emotional. On the bright side, Darrin was at her apartment, asleep. I am glad he is there with her and that she is not alone tonight. I really think Dad needs to call her. She is so hurt about him and I get it. A genuine, loving effort on his part would go so far with her, I think. I did try calling dad the other day to talk to him about what I knew at that point but he did not answer and did not call me back. Sorry to unload so much on you. I feel like you are the only person who really gets it and am I can talk to fully about it. I hope I did not wake you up. ....................................................................................................................................................................... My heart feels so heavy for her. I feel a little anxious, not knowing what will happen but fearing and almost knowing in the back of my mind that she will die young. It is scary to type those words. Tyson feels the same way. We know it is a very real possibility and don't know what to do. She has to be willing to take the step to get into inpatient. In the meantime, I am concerned for the state of her mental health + addiction + the concoction of alcohol, street drugs and prescription drugs she is putting into her body. I am worried for her life. I started a fast after I got off of the phone with her. I am fasting for her to have strength to resist temptation, comfort during this dark time and for her to recognize her worth. It is late and I need to get to sleep but wanted to share a few of my thoughts.

The difference a month makes...

It has been roughly a month since my last entry and already so much has changed. Our Nation, and many parts of the world, are experiencing a pandemic. The Corona Virus (COVID-19) has spread to the United States, including Arizona, and our county (Pinal). 1,413 people have tested positive in AZ so far and 29 people have died from the virus. It is very contagious and the elderly, as well as those with underlying health conditions, are at higher risk. Arizona Governor Doug Ducey has issued this order:

Under the Executive Order, Arizonans shall limit their time away from their place of residence or property, except:

• To conduct or participate in essential activities, and/or;
• For employment, to volunteer or participate in essential functions; or
• To utilize any services or products provided by essential business services;
• And for employment if as a sole proprietor or family owned business, work is conducted in a separate office space from your home and the business is not open to serve the public.

Schools are also closed for the remainder of the school year. Restaurants can only provide take out or delivery options. Church has moved to home-church and temples are closed. General Conference will not be held in the Conference Center this coming weekend. Only those speaking will attend (music has been pre-recorded). T-ball and baseball were cancelled for Eleanor and Josh. Karate was cancelled. The boys take piano lessons and meet with their teachers from school via Zoom. Eleanor picks up her preschool folder with worksheets and activities in it on Tuesdays from her teacher's front porch after dropping it off with completed work on Mondays. 

We have never experienced anything like this. Suddenly all five kids are home all day, every day. I am embracing "home schooling" (I'm using quotations because this probably doesn't look like the full homeschool experience kids have who homeschool regularly - we have suggested assignments from the boys' school but nothing mandated yet.) But we follow this daily schedule and it helps our day flow pretty well for the most part. 

The older kids are also expected to complete their daily checklists (dressed, teeth brushed, read, practice piano for the boys, jobs, patch for Eleanor) before they can have Disney+ time during quiet time, which motivates them. 

The daily bike ride helps. We have been riding up to the school (Butterfield) to get lunch (a sack lunch provided by people in masks with gloves on). I try to do fun things for creative time (today we made play dough). I think I'm doing okay but sometimes my patience wears thin. The days are long and exhausting. But we're getting used to our new normal and making it work. 

So many messes. Also, I'm exhausted.

I haven't written in a while - the holidays were a whirlwind of busyness and now the twins are in a stage that requires less sleep of me and I don't have a lot of energy or time to myself. But I have missed writing here, as it allows me to process my thoughts and feelings (which feelings result from my thoughts so they are very connected). I just took the boys to the bus and the other three kids will be awake soon (I'm surprised they aren't already). Wendel worked until 3am the night before last so he is catching up on a little sleep. Last night I went to bed as soon as I possibly could, after laying on the twins' floor with them to get them to sleep. That was about 10:10. I get up at 5:35 so that woul've been a little over 7 hours, but I was up six different times in the night. Twice with Zach, who woke up crying, so I laid next to him on his floor until he fell asleep, once with Josh who came into our room, so I walked him back to his bed, twice with Eleanor, who woke up once with a bad dream and once because she had to go to the bathroom, and a final time with Zach & Nathan, who were both crying together in their room, around 4:15 this morning. Eleanor was also in there with them, holding our kitten, Love. I had her go back to her room and I laid between the twins on the floor and fell asleep, missing my alarm. Luckily I woke up in time to get the boys to the bus, but we were a bit rushed. (We leave at 6:19 normally but left at 6:24 today.) My body is stiff from sleeping on the floor in the night. My head is foggy from the interrupted sleep. Overall, lately, (since coming back from San Antonio with Wendel a few weeks ago) I feel this weight on me. It kind of felt like a slap in the face going from feeling so carefree and rested to the twins switching to toddler beds right after we got home (they were climbing out of their cribs like monkeys so it had to be done but it is a difficult transition, especially x2). The older boys have strong dysregulated emotions, which they come by honestly with their diagnoses, but it is difficult all the same. They have struggled with this, as well as impulsiveness (which I think adds to the contention) for a long time but I am feeling the weight of it more lately. Maybe because I stopped therapy and journaling (for a time) and don't have much time for myself anymore with the twins' new schedule at night (they used to go to bed at 7:30 and now it's more like 9/9:30 on a good night. For a while it was 10:30/11, which was awful.). Maybe it is also because I am getting sick right now and that is so frustrating - because then it will go through my whole family and it takes so long to get back to full health. But my immune system is compromised because of the lack of sleep.

I don't want to give the impression that I don't value my role as a mother or don't appreciate this opportunity to raise and teach our children. There is so much I love and cherish about motherhood and our children. But I also need a place to vent a little, and this little spot is that place for me. And the reality is it is difficult. It is draining and exhausting. I sometimes feel like there are ropes tied around my body and someone is pulling on them, pulling me down toward the ground. There are so many demands and everyone needs me to be so many things for them. I want to do what I can but I feel the toll of it acutely. I look around our house and feel overwhelm. I clean up and it looks like this again. It is discouraging. I feel shameful about our house - how can it get to this point? The older kids do daily jobs and I do what I can but I can't keep up.

My view as I type. 

The twins are so busy and active - into everything. One mess after another. These are just from yesterday alone:

I was patching Eleanor's eye on the back porch, just outside of the kitchen, with the door open a little while this was happening. I had only been out there for about five minutes. I think they wanted to "cook" like Mom.

If you look closely, you can see water all over the kitchen floor. The twins love filling up cups of water and either accidentally or purposefully spilling them on the floor. I cycle through towels from the washer to the dryer to the kitchen floor and back to the washer again.

While I was getting ready for family scripture time and talking to the older kids about not fighting, the twins got on top of the cradenza in the front room and pulled the canvas photos off of the wall and the pictures off of cradenza.

And on that note, the twins are awake and the day has started. I do want to say that I do not regret our decision to have them. The promptings were so strong and our decision was intentional. I am glad they are here but man I am exhausted.

Bad day

Today was a difficult day. I feel really sad and overwhelmed but also so grateful. Zach got out of the front door twice today. The first time, he was awake before I came downstairs and was downstairs with Oliver watching a show. Wendel left for work and I went in to get Nathan out of his crib. When I went down with Nathan, I asked the kids where Zach was. No of them knew. I ran outside and found him up the street a few houses, on the sidewalk. I ran up there in my pjs and carried him home. Then later this morning, I was making a quinoa salad in the kitchen and the kids were playing. They were upstairs some of the time and between the living room and the front room. Nathan was in the kitchen with me (he likes to stay near me most of the time). I always keep the top lock locked on the front door but Oliver and Josh went through the front door to take out the trash and recycling and didn't lock it when they came back in. I was making food and wasn't thinking about it. I was busy with Nathan - he wanted to see what I was making. After a while, I checked on the kids and asked where Zach was. Nobody knew. I looked at the front door and saw the top lock was unlocked. My heart started racing. I had Josh and Norah look upstairs, and I did as well, after I couldn't see him up the street. I sent Oliver around the block to look for him, but before Oliver got back, I got Nathan and Norah in the Excursion to drive around looking for Zach, all the while praying for his safety. I left Josh in front of the house in case Zach came wandering back. (I didn't plan to drive very far.) As I slowly drove up our street, a police car slowly approached me. I rolled down my window and asked the officer if he had seen a toddler. He said his partner had him around the corner. I had tears in my eyes and my voice was shaky. He told me not to worry, that he was okay. I pulled up behind a car one street over. The woman had the back of her vehicle open and Zach was sitting there, with a blanket around him, next to her son. (I cringed as I realized he was naked and shoeless, other than his diaper because I undress them when they eat and I hadn't gotten him dressed for the day yet.) "I'm his mom," I said as I approached her and the other officer. "Thank you so much." The woman just looked at me with a look of "How could you not know you child was not in your house? What kind of mother are you?" She didn't say a word to me but turned around and walked away. I took Zach and held him to me, grateful he was safe. The officers said they would follow me home because they needed to see my license. I ran into the house to grab it and after recording the info, they asked if they could come inside to see the lock on the door and how he escaped. I showed them the top lock and the baby gate and said I always keep the top lock locked and explained what happened. The younger officer started walking through our home. He said he needed to see it and started walking upstairs without my permission. I knew they couldn't without a warrant but I also knew if I protested, it might make things worse and I wanted to be cooperative. I cringed at our messy house, the clutter everywhere. I was embarrassed about our house and the situation. How could I not know Zach was outside? Twice today? The senior officer was nice and understanding. I asked him if they were going to report it to CPS and told him I used to be an investigator. He didn't answer me directly at first but later said they have to and they're just doing their job. When the Jr officer came back downstairs, he opened the hall closet. The Sr officer told him to "stand down" and that I used to be an investigator and know the protocol. The jr officer asked me how I couldn't know Zach was gone for 15 minutes. I told him I thought he was with the other kids and that he plays well independently. He said that's a long time. I got the impression he doesn't have kids.

It's horrible being on this side of an investigation. I always imagined it would be. I have a different point of view now, being a mom of five busy, strong willed (and some mentally challenged) kids. My head hurts and I'm exhausted so I'm going to finish this tomorrow.

........................................

I feel like I was punched in the stomach when this happened on Friday and I'm still feeling the pain from it. I fasted today for gratitude that Zach is safe - that he wasn't hit by a car or kidnapped. I can't even let my mind go there because it is so horrifying to think about. Whether or not the report is substantiated, our boy is alive and here with us and nothing else matters in comparison to that.

2/27/20 Update: I still have not heard from CPS at this point and don't even think about them coming anymore. I am incredibly grateful.

I feel...

• Stressed
• Unorganized
• Like I have a physical weight bearing down on me.
• Messy
• Overwhelmed
• Sad
• Frustrated
• Sometimes discouraged
• Often judged
• Isolated in my specific mothering (in relation to those I associate with).
• Exhausted
• Blessed
• Strengthened
• Like this is a time of great learning and experience.
• Gratitude
• Love
• Often hope
• Faith

I came across this quote tonight while looking for recipe ideas on Pinterest. It was the first thing that popped up on my screen and it really resonated with me. Such a good reminder that being blessed and experiencing trails and disappointments are not mutually exclusive.

Tonight was a hard night, especially with Josh. Oliver was hard at this age (and still is but there has been growth in maturity for sure). Wendel reminded me of this the other day and it gives me a little hope. He had something tonight and when he came home and asked how bedtime went, I burst into tears. I am not the best version of myself lately. I am really struggling. As a perfectionist / overachiever, I am used to working extra hard and being able excel at my goals. I keep trying as a mother but fall short and it's so frustrating. 

Life Energy List for the Summer

1. What was life-giving?

Personal
Sabbath Practices - Come Follow Me, listening to a spiritual podcast while making dinner if possible
Journaling - Updating this blog on occasion helps me process.
Reading habits (scriptures, other) - Scripture reading was reduced but I still tried to fit in a little bit, even just a verse or two in the laundry room with the door closed really quickly. I made a little time in the evenings for a short period of time to read The Magnolia Story, which I borrowed from a friend. I enjoyed having a little reading time. I definitely had to cut out any TV time and couldn't multitask while reading (ie. folding clothes while watching a show).
Exercise - I kept this as a priority through the summer. It worked well that I could drop the boys off at summer camp at 8 and then go over to the church to exercise. I was always a bit late but some is better than none and it was a great way to start my day.

Relational
Family life at home - consistency and routines helped. Summer camp helped a lot because it kept us to a regular schedule.
Time with kids / 1:1 time? - Difficult to schedule 1:1 time but we went to the summer movie here in town weekly while Cindy watched the twins. That worked well and was nice time together.

Actionable
Daily checklists - this was both life-giving and life-draining. Really good for Oliver, more difficult for Josh and Norah.

Travel
What worked and didn't?


2. What was life-draining?

Personal



Relational



Actionable

I never want to forget...

Tonight I put the twins to bed and came downstairs. The other kids were in bed and Wendel was in with Josh, getting him to sleep. Nathan kept crying and jumping up and down in his crib so I finally went back up there and held him for a few minutes. I never want to forget the smile on his face, dimly lit by the bathroom light down the hall, and how he bounced up and down in my arms when I sang, "I am a Child of God." How he eagerly signed "more" after each verse, and then after "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" and finally "Silent Night." He finally lay in his crib with his bottle of water and let me put his blanket on him. I put Zach's on him as well. I never want to forget Zach's sweet voice as I left the room, saying, "Nigh nigh Mom." I am so blessed to have these two.

Picture taken in July 2019 in Grantsville, Utah (visiting my friend, Heidi Robinson)

P.S. Nathan just started crying and jumping in his crib again...which might not be the sweetest thing ever.