I feel like I don't have much left to give...

 My feelings are raw tonight. Sometimes I feel like I just don't have anything left to give, like the demands placed on me are greater than I can respond to. I hold it together for so long...the big emotions, the meltdowns, the contention, the rude words, the "I hate yous," the spitting in my face (Zach's new favorite way to show he's not happy with me), the potty accidents, the messes (This morning the twins turned on the bathtub while I was downstairs making Josh's and Eleanor's lunches and turned the faucet so it got water all over the floor and leaked into the laundry room downstairs. They also squirted toothpaste out of the tube all over the bathroom floor. I was too rushed to take care of it to stop to take a picture this time.), bedtime that takes FOREVER (it takes Josh hours to fall asleep and it often takes Nathan a really long time as well), the night terrors (Poor Zach. Poor Mom.), Josh constantly coming into our bed throughout the night (no matter how many times I take him back to his room), sleeping on the twins' floor half of the night (and then sneaking back into our bed for an hour before Zach wakes up for the day only to find Josh in there...again), Zach waking up at 5:30, trying to get him to fall back asleep on the couch downstairs - but first he wants a cheese stick...dropping off, picking up, making dinner, hearing complaints about dinner, asking Eleanor about school and having her ignore my questions with a grumpy expression on her face (even though she loves school and is very pleasant while she is there - it's just me), cleaning up something just to have it messy again an hour or so later, constantly fighting the screen time battle, trying different medications with Josh and navigating their horrible side effects, not even having a minute to myself to pee without someone banging on the door or crying, not being able to shower without an audience or breaking up a fight, someone needing me every minute of the day, feeling stretched so thin, not being able to meet my kids' demands for my attention as often as they would like, feeling ashamed of our house, not having the mental energy to make much headway on our house, feeling like Wendel and I are passing ships - we barely get a few words in without being interrupted and when he is here, we're in kid mode, reading scriptures and doing bedtime and he often falls asleep on Josh's bed...patching Eleanor's eye and staying on top of her appointments, convincing Josh to get dressed in the morning for school...bribing him with a prize from the prize bin if he will so we won't be late, wondering how to help him, researching, calling doctors, looking into medications and also homeopathy approaches, trying to fit in scriptures and sometimes exercise, dishes and laundry - repeat each day...feeling isolated from so many because of our kids' challenges, feeling a bit of shame and sadness because people don't understand and think we're not good parents, praying and fasting, striving to repair, apologizing a lot, wondering if survival mode will ever end. Even after I typed those words, I sat here with my fingers hovering over the keys and my eyes closed...I am so tired. 

Ever since Josh had aggression side effects from Vyvanse and would rage for 1.5 - 2 hours, the twins have mimicked the yelling and especially the words. (Stupid, idiot, I hate you, you're so stupid, and their personal favorite - "butt cheek.") I don't know how to stop it and I'm exhausted trying. I've tried everything and nothing works. Tonight the twins were in the bath and I was about to get in the shower. They were fighting over a blue plastic bowling pin. I tried helping the solve the problem but it was only escalating. I tried taking it from their hands because they were getting so mad at each other and I thought they might hurt each other. Nathan then yelled in my face, "YOU'RE A BUTT CHEEK! I HATE YOU!" I just couldn't take it anymore. I was in flight or fight mode and I chose the later. I slapped my sweet boys' face and he fell back (off balance a bit - he was sitting down) and hit his opposite ear against the wall of the bathtub. And then I screamed. And it was not pretty. It was like I was getting everything I was feeling that I wrote about above off of my chest. But the words were aimed at Nathan. "Don't you ever call me that again!" Then I got in the shower and buried my face in my hands. Both Nathan and Zach were crying. Zach was angry and throwing things, yelling "You hurt my feelings!" and "You hurt me!" (The screaming really affected him, which is understandable.) Eleanor and I also had a disagreement about the way she spoke to me when she went to bed and she ended up putting herself to bed and fell asleep, angry and hurt.

I feel terrible, tired, exhausted, worn down, and like I don't know how I can keep doing this for the next 15 years. Tonight I feel like I failed my kids. I need to do better. I love them and they are precious to me. I am under so much stress and going on little sleep and I just snapped. Going to bed now.

Hurting for our boy

 I've heard that when you don't know what to write, just start writing and brain dump everything that's on your mind. Here goes. 

Josh's behavior is extremely challenging. It is affecting our younger kids and Josh's relationship with us as his parents. Oliver was like this to some degree and he is doing great. That gives me hope. Josh is angry and aggressive a lot of the time. Part of it is due to his new medication, Vyvanse, but he hasn't taken it the past couple of days. I think part of it is that he feels misunderstood and often feels blamed or singled out for his impulsive and aggressive behavior. Online school is hard. Thankfully my friend, Kristy Hoeh, offered to have him over three days a week to do school work with her son, Jimmy (who is friends with Josh and in his class). Josh can focus enough to get by with his meds but without, it's rough. Maybe an hour or so of schoolwork done. But with meds, there are side effects. Stomach aches, decrease in appetite and extreme rage when it wears off. Throwing things, screaming, even aggressive to himself. My exhaustion has hit a new all time level. We're changing meds. We're changing schools. The twins imitate his behavior. They yell things at me that are disrespectful and I would be embarresed for any of my friends to hear. 

I am worried about Josh's self esteem. I am worried about my relationship with him. Somehow he isn't feeling our love.

For myself, I feel isolated. We went to our friend's home for dinner and a birthday party for their daughter last month. These friends moved here recently from WA. I have known Julie for 13 years. We were in our BASW programs together. She, Jessica and I were close and stuck together through the program. I feel like people like me an I have good raport and a good friendship with them...until they spend time with our kids. I didn't want her opinion of me to change. I didn't want to fall into that category with her of "I can't believe you let your kids walk all over you" or "I would never let my kid get away with that." She didn't say these things to me and it's not fair to put words into her mouth. I guess I'm a little nervous because years ago, another friend called me. We had previously been in their home several times for dinner, hanging out, etc. with our kids. Eleanor is their daughter's good friend. We were planning to spend Thanksgiving in their home, I believe it was. Or maybe just getting together for dinner - I can't remember the details. But I remember where I was standing in our kitchen, near the laundry room when she said, "We really want you guys to come - just maybe not your kids." Then she laughed as though she was kidding. This was a family event - everyone else was bringing their kids. It was difficult not to take it personally. This is the same friend who once told me, "We don't necessarily think you're a BAD mom..." and the same friend who once came to our house to pick up Eleanor for dance and the older boys were running around the house, being loud and teasing each other. This friend said, "Goodness, you're raising a bunch of hulligans over here!" My reaction must have been pretty transparent on my face because she said, "You're not really offended that easily are you?" I told her it actually was hurtful but I know her heart and know she didn't mean to be hurtful. It's just a sensitive subject. 

It'ts not that we haven't tried to discipline - we've done everything you can think of. Consequences, positive parenting, researching the experts in the field of ADHD and anxiety, 1:1 time, rewards, other incentives, notes under pillows, etc. We continue to see defiant, angry, aggressive, negative behavior and don't know how to make it stop. Oliver has come so far. He has matured and is doing great for the most part. But my heart hurts for Josh. He has ADHD, anxiety, Tic Syndrome and OCD and I don't know how to help him. There is so much going on in our house. It's loud a lot and overwhelming. It's difficult to find the time to keep up with it and I think that contributes to everyone's anxiety. 

My eyes are closing and staying closed for longer periods of time. I need to go to sleep. It helps to jot a few things down, even if it's not a perfect sharing.