A New Approach

I have so much to share. We met with the behavioral coach a couple of weeks ago. It was so disappointing. She told us we need to be "more strict" and "consistent" (We already are very consistent and people don't get that being more strict does nothing to change behavior but does hurt relationships, self-esteem and brings more contention into our home.).We tried expressing concerns but she seemed to stick to a script and no really listen or sympathize. I brought up my concerns about Oliver saying recently that he wants to kill himself because no one understands how hard it is to control his anger. He told me this twice in one evening through tears. The B.C. told me it's just for attention and to completely ignore it. She said she's more worried about him hurting someone else in our house. I do agree that is probably true but I don't think ignoring it is the best approach. She told us Oliver is manipulating us and that he is the way he is and that can't be changed. She told us to "withhold love" when we see negative behavior and their behavior will change. Wendel and I don't agree with this at all. We went on a date that night and talked about this. We both felt there had to be some other way to help our boys. I brought up Dr. Ross Greene's book, "The Explosive Child," which I'm reading and has really resonated with me and Wendel suggested we look him up and see if we could schedule a phone conference with him - buy his time to learn from him. When we looked him up we found out he was putting on a children's mental health conference (the following week! In Boston!). We decided after the thousands of dollars we've spent on therapy, doctors, workshops, etc. that hasn't worked at all, we would be better off investing in people who resonate with us. (We also saw Tina Payne Bryson would be presenting and her book, "The Whole Brain Child" is another one that has really resonated with and helped me a lot, especially with Josh.) We decided it was worth dipping into our savings for. We were (miraculously) able to arrange childcare for four days (thanks to Sarah and Steven Chasten in our ward, who only have one baby girl, and who recently moved here from Boston themselves) and suddenly we were purchasing conference tickets and plane tickets. It. was. amazing. I loved soaking in relevant information at the conference and being surrounded by like-minded people. (It was geared towards teachers but still very relevant and helpful for parents.) I loved getting away with Wendel to have 1:1 time with him. I loved eating good food and sleeping through the night and reading a novel and recharging our batteries. We haven't done anything like this since we went to Hawaii five years ago (other than an occasional overnight hotel stay, but even that was a few years ago). It was so needed and so wonderful. As an added bonus, when we came back, our kids seemed to appreciate us more (Josh knocked me over when he ran and hugged me and Oliver told me, "Mom, you're the best mom in the world." Norah gave me the sweetest hugs and kisses.) We also felt more patient and more unified in our approach with our kids. Win / win. I wish we could make it a regular thing. Maybe in the future we will be able to.

I am typing the notes I wrote so the messages will sink in more.

Tina Payne Bryson 

• Teach  your kids empathy. (Ie. If you encounter a rude waitress, say, "I wonder if she's having a hard day?")
• Integrate left and right sides of the brain - "connect and then redirect behavior." 

Left Brain

Logic

Linear

Linguistic

Literal

Letter of law

Right Brian 

Senses emotion

Random

Non verbal

Whole picture context

Senses body information 

Connect with right brain [soothe] (touch, tone of touch, facial expressions, empathy, pausing) and then redirect with the left brain [solve] (solutions, words, planning, logical explanations, boundaries). 

• Teach kids about their brains. Make a brain model by making a fist. The lower part "the downstairs" houses big feelings and actions. The high part "the upstairs" houses calm and kindness. Help kids understand how to make connections between the two.
  
• The middle prefrontal cortex regulates the body, emotions, decision making, impulse control, empathy, flexibility, personal insight, overcoming fear, intuition and morality. All of these are outcomes of secure attachment (except the last two). Mindfulness can help develop and change this part of the brain. 
• The Whole Brain / no drama way: intentional, looking beyond behavior / keep teaching in mind, skill-building, relationship driven, regulation over compliance (regulation leads to changes in behavior). Discipline = teaching (skill building). 
• Behavior is communication. 
• Change perspectives from: discipline problems / managing materials / blurting out / controlling anger, etc. to skills the child needs to build. 
• Look at Dr. Thompson's "Normal, Social Pain" (http://michaelthompson-phd.com/books/mom-theyre-teasing-me/) 
• What is the purpose / meaning behind behavior? Chase the why. Problem behavior may be the child's best adaption (ie. trying to fit in with peers - says potty words with peers in the library). *Doesn't believe in ODD - it is a stress response. ODD is the child's best adaption.
• The brain is either receptive or reactive (Dan Seagal: window of tolerance). 
• Discipline: is what I'm doing counterproductive? Skill-building? 
• Ie. A child who is playing on their phone instead of doing homework. "I can see you're having a hard time focusing with the phone in your room. I'm going to hold onto it until you can get your homework done.")
• Toxic stress patterns - stress responses that are: too frequent, too quick, too intense, too long (more than 20-30 minutes).
• Co-regulation: communicate "You're going to be okay. I'm right here with you."
• Short-term goal: balance, long-term goal: resilance
• We have to give kids a chance to handle things with support. 
• Example: A child wanted to stay up late watching a show with his brothers. When he needed to go to bed, he cried and didn't want to go to bed, was overtired, etc. Instead of saying, "I gave you an extra 30 minutes and now you're acting like this. Next time I won't do that" connect with the child. "It's so disappointing. You really wanted to spend more time with your brothers. I'm right here with you." 
• When a child is upset / raging / not thinking clearly: 1. Try to get below eye level in a relaxed posture (legs crossed, lean back on arms, etc). [This is a strategic posture to deregulate the nervous system.] 2. Use empathy. "I can see you're really mad right now." 
• Does the child feel safe, seen, soothed and secure? ------> Connected and protective. Secure base to explore the world. 
• Experience changes the brain. Relationships are one of the most powerful tools.

Teaching the Developing Brain

• Siblings fighting and one hurt the other. 1. Comfort the hurt child. 2. 1:1 with the perpetrator - not with the other child present. Don't: why did you hit? You need to say sorry. Take away a playdate. Hit them. Do: "You're really upset right now. What's going on? That's really frustrating. I would be mad too." The child then feels bad on their own and doesn't direct it to you. "I can see you feel bad for hitting. In our family, everyone has to feel safe. What did your body feel like when you were mad?" Comfort, connect, regulate, connective dialogue. Now the child is in the "green zone" (mindset for redirection, as opposed to the red zone (too fast) or the blue zone (too slow)). 
• Attachment - go to caregiver when in distress. 
• Disorganized attachment in childhood -------> #1 predictor of psychotic behavior in adulthood. A child who experiences a lot of shame ------> higher predictor for mood disorders later in life. 
• Yes brain - open and receptive, no brain - shut down
• Look at Jerome Kagen's work on temperment - balancing pushin and coushin. 
• What causes lots of reactivity / toxic stress in the brain? 

• Faulty neurosensing - feel anxiety when there is no threat. (I see this in Oliver - anxiety levels rise when it's too loud and he's trying to do homework, for example). Occupational Therapy can help. www.spdstar.org (Josh)
• Look at Kaiser - ACES 
• "Resliance - not always calm but learn to ride the waves." Louisa May Alcott
• themomentousinstitue.org - changing the odds 

It's working!!!

Just a quick note to document that today I listened to a podcast with Dr. Tina Bryson while I was doing the dishes (the babes were napping and Wendel took the three older kids to lunch). It resonated with me so much. It sunk in even more. I was loving every minute of it and soaking it all in. Then the kids came home and gave me lots of opportunities all day long to practice what I had learned. And it worked, over and over again, to bring the kids from the red zone to the green zone before things escalated out of control.

There was one incident where I went into the front yard for a minute to say goodbye to Wendel when he left for work and when I came back inside, Josh was on the stairs crying. He had spilled his milkshake all over the carpet and had woken the babies from their naps by going into their room to look for me. He was curled up in a ball on the stairs crying. As I approached him, he sobbed harder. "No! I don't want to lose my family movie treat tonight! I don't want a consequence." My main goal was to get him from the red zone back into the green zone. I positioned myself lower than him on the stairs and talked in a calm, soothing voice. "Hey, Josh, you're not in trouble Buddy. It was an accident. I understand." "But I made a mess on the carpet and woke up the babies! I'm in big trouble!" "No you're not. You're not in trouble. Accidents happen." He stopped crying and looked at me. I could tell he was confused but also relieved. He was back in the green zone. "We do still need to clean up the mess so it doesn't ruin the carpet. Would you like me to help you clean it up?" "Yeah." "Okay. The first step is getting the paper towels. Could you bring a roll of paper towels in here for me?" He brought it in. Together we sopped up the milkshake and kept blotting until nothing was visible. "The second step is to spray the carpet cleaner on the carpet." He enjoyed that part. "Then we need to blot spray." "Mama, it's all clean!" he exclaimed. "Good job Josh! Thanks for your help." I then talked with him about how it's very important not to go into the babies' room. "But I didn't know where you were!" I told him he needs to look for me in lots of other places before checking in there (and listed them all out) and if he does check there last, to whisper my name first. He said he would do it and gave me a hug. I was still able to get the messages across that I wanted to, the mess still got cleaned up, and we felt connected and happy in the green zone. I was also able to use this approach with Oliver and Norah a few times and to diffuse fighting when it began to escalate. I love this approach and I love that it is actually working (when nothing has for years). It feels like a Godsend and I'm so grateful.

Josh told me several times today that he loves me, including a cute knock knock joke. "Knock knock" "Who's there?" "I" "I who?" "I love you." (He made it up and I love it.) He also told me I'm the best mom in the world and hugged me several times. To me this communicates that he felt heard, his feelings were validated and he felt connected to me.

I'm feeling something I haven't really, truly felt in this aspect of my life in a long time: Hope.