Recent frustrations

I seriously don't know if I will ever feel on top of things again. Will our house be messy for the next ten years? Josh had a playdate with a friend the other day. I picked him up and took the kids to the park. He asked why we couldn't have the playdate at our house. I told him I thought it would be fun to go to the park because it was a nice day. Then he said, "Your house is so messy." He turned to Josh and said, "Your house is such a messy house." Granted, he has only been in it one time, but he isn't wrong. I seriously cannot keep up with it right now. I have a housecleaner come every other Monday and on that day, it is so nice and clean and I feel this burden being lifted off of my shoulders. But it reminds me of the fairytale Cinderella where it's only a matter of time until things start to unravel at a rapid pace.

And the judgement is really hard for me. I shouldn't let it get to me but it does. Not just things kids say (but that hurts a little too - I've had two kids comment on how messy our car is) but it's worse with adults. I confided in a friend of mine that we think Josh may be on the autism spectrum and we're on a waiting list to get him tested. I felt very vulnerable and debated even saying anything. I only did because I've felt she has judged him in the past based on his behavior during transitions...which do not go smoothly for him most of the time, or how he won't make eye contact with her and looks at the ground and acts grumpy and very shy. And how she comments on it every time, as though she wouldn't allow her child to act that way. (In fact, regarding Oliver's behavior, she told me, "I wouldn't allow that in my home." So what she's basically saying is it's a parenting issue and it's our fault.) So I told her about Josh and she said, "Not to be rude but are you sure you're not just thinking he's autistic because it's all the rage to have an autistic kid these days?" Prefacing it with "Not to be rude" did not take away the sting I felt, as though she had just slapped me across the face. Who says that? And really, does she think I want to have an autistic child because it's "all the rage?" It felt so insensitive and hurtful.

And then I went visiting teaching with this same friend the other night and she said she had to get going home to her kids. We walked out together and she then invited me to her house to watch "The Hobbit" with some of our other friends, which is going to be a weekly thing. (We all did this together a while ago, watching Harry Potter once a week.) She said, "Sorry I didn't invite you. To be honest, I forgot." And then she proceeded to tell me how I needed to make going a priority to have some "me" time. I told her bedtime is pretty intense at our house and she said I did it for years while Wendel was at mutual so he can handle it. I told her I'm sure he can but I was thinking about how intense it gets and how it's so hard to do it alone and then I realized that wasn't even really the issue. I just didn't have any desire to go and hang out with these girls (all much younger than me) who have no idea of the challenges I'm struggling with and don't seem to want to know or care. This friend did ask about Josh and where we're at with the evaluation process. I told her I had a phone interview with one of the people we're on a waiting list with that lasted and hour and a half, to see if he would qualify for an evaluation (which he does, and which I was happy to tell her since she thinks it's just in my head because it's "all the rage" to have a kid on the spectrum). She said, "So the phone interview was to weed our the crazies?" I didn't say anything but I should have said, "No, not crazies. Just redirect people who have kids with different challenges who may not necessarily be on the spectrum." I don't know why I don't say what I think around her. I don't like making people feel uncomfortable and there are a lot of things I really like about this girl but it's at the point where I just don't feel like I can relate to her anymore. It's just different when you have kids with special needs. People don't get it. I definitely value and appreciate those non-judgmental friends I have and try to be that for others.

And on that note, I am sick (again) due to lack of sleep, so I am off to sleep. Wendel and Oliver are in Seattle for Connor's baptism (Oliver's cousin) and tomorrow will be a long day, I think.

So incredibly tired...

It is past midnight and I need to be asleep. But everyday I think about this blog and how I would love to sit down and type...to vent my feelings. Even as I typed that line, I closed my eyes for a minute or so and was falling asleep. The days are so busy, so much of a whirlwind. We are in full survival mode. This is a very demanding time and the past couple of days, in particular, have been very trying. I have zero patience at dinner time when I'm trying to get food on the table, both babies are screaming, Oliver is usually angry or hurt about something, the other two aren't listening, everything is loud and chaotic, Wendel isn't home yet, the kitchen is a mess...I yelled at the kids yesterday. The kind of yelling where I regret it immediately but can't stop and then feel like I burned every bridge I've tried to build over the past several years. Some days I feel like I've got this 5-kid-thing. It's not so bad. And then I have days like yesterday and today and I seriously question our decision to have five children. And then I remember the very strong promptings we had about the babies and the talk "Cast Not Away Therefore Your Confidence" by Elder Holland and I know, with certainty, that we acted on promptings of the Spirit and that these children were sent to us with purpose.

Still, life is so difficult and demanding right now. It's exhausting, messy, chaotic, a time of second guessing my parenting, wondering if I am doing enough, giving enough to each child, ...

And again I just caught myself falling asleep. The babies are teething and get up in the night. Eleanor has night terrors and nightmares and gets up in the night. Sometimes Josh has an occasion nightmare and gets up in the night. My alarm goes off and 6:00 to start the day. I rarely sit at all throughout the day and usually don't have a minute to myself. I am so very grateful for our family. But so incredibly tired.