The Feelings of My Heart

I am an introvert and therefore have always turned to writing as a way to express my feelings (I have 65+ journals plus several blogs). I also like talking with close friends but many of the thoughts I plan to share here are those I feel are difficult to share with some of my friends and even some family members. I often feel judged by other moms; judged for the way my parenting is perceived based on our children’s behaviors. In fact, I have never put so much effort, love and sacrifice into anything in my life as I have my role of being a mother and nothing is more hurtful than being judged for not parenting my children as others would, or so they think, not knowing what it is really like to raise a child who has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Anxiety (age 7.5), another child who has been diagnosed with Anxiety and likely is autistic (diagnosis pending) (age 4.5), another child who was born with an abnormality (Microphthalmia: one eye stopped developing in utero and is half the size of the other), which mandated several surgeries on her right eye, including a lensectomy at two months old, wearing a hard contact lens, and daily patching, in addition to seeing many specialists (age 2.5), in addition to infant twins. I am sharing this information to complain but rather to paint the picture of survival mode at this point in our lives. Our house is usually a mess (not just a little messy, but cluttered and looks like a tornado hit and and I would be embarrassed if anyone dropped by unannounced kind of messy) and stress levels are often high. I believe we are blessed with gifts to help us with our personal trials. I have felt for some time that three of my gifts for this purpose are 1. A positive disposition 2. Faith 3. Determination Without these, I don’t know how I could keep going day after day without breaking down and wanting to give up.

But even with these gifts, I often feel the need to vent. I talk with Wendel a lot, and that is very helpful because he’s the only other person who really gets what it’s like to raise these amazing but often challenging children. But I also need to write it down to really process what I’m feeling and learning, so I can go back and read my thoughts and make connections. I tried keeping a handwritten “motherhood” journal but truthfully, I don’t have time to write in it during the day and at night, I’m just too tired so I write quickly and my handwriting gets worse and worse with every word and I feel rushed and like I can’t express myself completely. I like the idea of this private blog where I can share my thoughts, just for me.

I chose the title of this blog because I have always loved this quote by Harold B. Lee and have felt the truthfulness of it ring true over and over again. I know the work I do in our home with our children is of upmost importance. It was difficult to set aside my career as a social worker to stay home with our children but at the same time I value my role as a mother more than anything and want to be the one to raise and nurture our children on a daily basis. Make no mistake, though, it is definitely work. There are moments I love and I definitely would make the same choice over and over again, but it is challenging, to say the least. It’s definitely the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. I cry often. I pray a lot. I worry and wonder if we’re doing the best thing for each of our children in how we are raising them, teaching them, and especially disciplining them. The thing about survival mode is there isn’t a whole lot of time for contemplation because it really is putting out one fire after another all day long until they’re in bed and then we’re just so exhausted. But tonight, despite the exhaustion, I was determined to start this blog, which has been on my heart and mind for a while. This will be my safe place to share the feelings of my heart as I press forward in this great work of raising five beautiful children.