2023!

 Happy 2023! Fireworks are going off as I type. It's 12:00 exactly right now.

My goals for this new year:

1. Make significant progress with minimizing.

2. Print Family Yearbook.

3. Print Josh's letters.

4. Show up as my best as a parent and wife. Strengthen our marriage.

There are many other smaller goals but these are the big ones. Here's to a beautiful year of learning.

Raw Emotion

I honestly don't know if our marriage will make it through the extremely difficult terrain we have been navigating for so long. I am a positive person and for so long I have held on to the positives but they are dimming. My heart is hurting so much. I know this is a mental health issue - we both have ADHD and with that comes big emotions. Him not owning it in himself adds to the problem. Parenting five nuerodiverse kids is extremely challenging. I am loosing hope in a positive future. The pain I feel from that is crushing. The tears keep coming. 

On the other hand, maybe things could be okay. I don't want to give up but it is just so incredibly difficult, I don't know if I can hang on until we get to that point. 

Can't sleep

 It's 1:48 am and I can't sleep. It's especially frustrating because I'm sick and so desperately need the sleep. I have so much on my mind with parenting challenges. I watched a video this evening that my mom sent me. It was a lady talking via Instagram who was warning parents about the danger of cell phones and online games, particularly Roblox. Her daughter was the victim of an online predator who was posing as an 11 year old girl and other peers but was really a grown man who taught 5th grade math. He had this 13-year-old girl believing no one loved her but him and that he would kill himself if she disclosed things he told her. Her whole disposition changed and she was grumpy and withdrawn. She had her regular Roblox account with no unusual activity. Her parents had safety measures in place and limited screen time. But she had created a second account that was incognito so her parents couldn't view it. She also figured out how to get on the internet from an old phone that didn't have a sim card when her parents took her phone away. This is weighing heavily on my mind because Oliver plays Roblox almost daily. This is the thing that means the most to him, to play with his friends online. I have had concerns about it but Wendel views it as the thing kids do to be social and thinks we should let him have limited time with rules and safety measures so we have let him do it. But I am really re-thinking that after watching this video this evening. 

Oliver has been exposed to pornography at school. He said they have some breaks during Flag Football and can access their backpacks during breaks so kids were playing games on their phone. Some of the 8th grade boys were pulling up porn images and videos and one set his phone down for others to see the video. Oliver was able to describe what happened in detail. He still thinks it's gross but won't for long. Thankfully he was open with us, as we have asked him to be when the time comes that he is exposed to it. He asked questions and we openly and  honestly answered and didn't shame him. I feel like this was a good parenting move on our part and I'm grateful we have been very open and honest with him from the beginning about sex, pornography, puberty, etc. 

The obsession our kids have with screen time weighs on my mind. They always want to be on a screen but we limit it to 2 hours a day or less. 

The mental health challenges are so hard and wearing. So taxing on our marriage and family. So exhausting and draining and constant. 

The fighting between siblings is upsetting and draining as well. 

The emotional dysregulation is improving but still happens. It trickles down to the younger kids and is painful to see it play out in them as well.

Oliver lies a lot. That's a tough one too. Lately he's trying to earn our trust. About 4 months ago he stole money from my wallet, looked me in the eye and lied to my face about it. He eventually told the truth, when threatened to lose screen time for months. I think he truly believes the lies he tells at times and thinks a different scenerio happened than really did.

We had a 504 meeting for Josh today. I'm glad we can get him accommodations to help him at school.

All of the kids want 1:1 time with me a lot and get jealous of each other. 

I'm trying to stay consistent with Ellie's patching, staying calm when the kids get upset, keeping Nathan and Zach from hurting each other, trying to declutter our house because I know it affects our mental health, trying to clean but am so far behind, continuing to prioritize making healthy food for our family and scripture study and the 10 minute family clean up at night...

It's a lot and tonight I'm feeling the weight of it pretty heavily. I am truly exhausted. I prayed tonight and asked Heavenly Father to send angels and to take these burdens from me so I can sleep. Maybe now that I have dumped my thoughts here I can rest peacefully. 

Learning from The Spirit

 I just wanted to share a quick experience I had the other day. I went to a scheduled ministering visit with a less active sister in our ward. She has eight children and was coming to church alone with seven of them (pregnant with the eight) while her husband was away at basic training. We haven't seen her at church in a long time so as a Relief Society Presidency member, I was asked to check in with her. She opened up to me a little bit and told me her husband is going through a faith crisis and that as she has looked into some of the things he has concerns about, she has concerns as well. She said she isn't coming to church until she makes more sense of the things she's been reading. She said she did think about coming alone but doesn't want to take the kids and isn't even sure about coming by herself. Standing there on her front porch, I felt prompted to say the following, "Rather than worrying about what this thing online says or what this person from church says, make it a matter of prayer. Make it about your relationship with Heavenly Father, personal revelation and what The Spirit teaches you about it." I told her about a talk I heard in General Conference a while back and the speaker (I don't recall who) encouraged us to doubt our doubts before we doubt our faith. I felt the Spirit as I said these things to her and hope she did as well. One thing I wish I had said that I will take as a learning experience for the next time I'm in this situation is that there is no shame in questioning. 

Recent struggles and my diagnosis

 Things feel difficult and overwhelming. There is a lot to learn if I stop and look for it. A few things to note lately:

• Eleanor is having a difficult time lately. She seems very unhappy. She is upset most of the time, pushes back on almost everything, and I think she has anxiety and ADHD. I know 1:1 time would help but struggle to find the time with four other kids. I should probably seek official diagnoses for her and make 1:1 time a priority. Right now our relationship is not great and I don't like that.
• I was diagnosed with ADHD last week. It is such a relief knowing this as so many things in my life make sense now.
• Today was a really rough day on the home front. Big emotions from most in our family and Wendel seemed extra stressed. Sundays are so hard. I think it's Satan's doing and I really don't like it. There is so much opposition on this day. We have felt this way for years, since Oliver was really little.
• I feel so incredibly overwhelmed. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm mostly okay but our house stresses me out. I know I need to declutter and get rid of so . much . stuff but that takes time and I feel like I don't have it. I need to prioritize it but struggle with the motivation. 
• I am incredibly blessed, despite these difficulties. For that, I am grateful.

Vulnerable thoughts

 I shared this in the Light and Learning: a positive space for parenting kids with extra challenges group I created and facilitate on Facebook. I wanted to share it here as well.

Vulnerable post.

I usually post uplifting and positive things here. I usually feel positive about parenting high needs kids for the most part. I am able to keep an eternal perspective and know our children are ours intentionally. I am able to see the good each day, even if it's just a little bit, and express gratitude for it. But I'm also human and have human emotions of anger, frustration and sadness sometimes. Last night it hit me hard. It felt like a culmination of years of stress, heartache, emotion coaching, naming feelings, managing sibling conflicts 20 times a day, de-escalating high emotions in numerous children numerous times a day, researching, praying, being patient, exhaustion, frustration, jumping through mental health hoops, judgement, misunderstandings, apologizing for my children, heartache for my children, feelings of isolation (to some degree), trying to keep my own mental health in check, 504 meetings, trials and errors with meds and the awful side effects that resulted, embarrassment for their impulsiveness, therapy appointments, doctor appointments, evaluations, persuading children to take supplements, hurtful comments (although I have come a long way with letting that stuff go), pushback from my inflexible child (every day, almost constantly), anxious children, talking through fears, regressions, waking up in the night with them, working through their anger, more appointments with specialists, the never-ending to-do lists, feelings of guilt for things I want to do but haven't implemented and for not being able to keep up with things, trying to help each child feel loved but being stretched so thin, trying to juggle so many balls and so much more and then more on top of that and it felt like more than I could really handle well. The amygdala part of my brain took over and I just really needed to get it all out. I am a big fan of journaling and exercise but last night I took a drive by myself after the kids were in bed (and my husband was home with them) and screamed out loud, several times, and cried (and prayed) for a long time. My throat hurt after. Part of me hesitates to share this because I feel like I wasn't strong or that I should be able to keep going with a positive attitude and trust that it will all be okay. I'm sharing such a personal experience because I want you to know you're not alone if you feel this way. We carry a lot on our shoulders as moms of high needs kids. There are many demands and it's a lot. If you feel overwhelmed, you're not alone. It's okay to let it out sometimes.

Today I still feel a little sad and overwhelmed but I also can see the sun coming up again a little bit. I found several things to be grateful for and really appreciate them. My inflexible child was actually compliant more than once today, another child is showing a lot of responsibility and maturity, another child is thriving at school, two children gave me big hugs and told me they love me.

A quote that resonates with me tonight:

"If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived." - Jeffrey R. Holland

If you can relate at all, hang in there friends. It's okay to have hard days. Tomorrow is a fresh start.

15Emily Yeckley Hamblin, Nicole Haley and 13 others

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Embarrassing Dr visit and my scattered brain

 Today was exhausting. I took Josh and Eleanor to the dr office for a well check. They were running around in the waiting room, kicking each other, pushing, playing tag, complaining and would not sit in a chair while I was dealing with an insurance issue at the front desk and on the phone. Eleanor at one point was walking on the chairs. Josh did say, "Yes Mom" a few times but would get sucked in by her teasing and they would tease each other and run around the waiting room, being loud and disruptive. I talked with them several times, tried to get to the root of what was going on with Eleanor and then moved on to the threat of consequences (loss of privileges), which came to fruition. Even one of the office staff came over to talk with them and they still continued after she left, though not as intensely. I will admit I was embarrassed that they wouldn't listen to me and were so disruptive. 

In the dr office room, Eleanor actually did pretty well (other than crawling on the floor under the chairs at one point) but Josh came unglued. He pulled open the drawers and pulled supplies out, tossing them on the ground. He poked a hole in one bag-type thing and then dropped it. I tried holding him on my lap but it didn't work for long. He tried pushing Eleanor off of the exam table because the doctor started asking Josh questions about his portion (but wasn't ready to exam him yet) and he thought he needed to be on the exam table if she was asking him questions. He was contrary to almost everything. He picked up the blood pressure tool on the wall and I had to take it from his hands. He turned on the sink water numerous times, after the I told him not to, as well as the doctor. I was wondering what on earth was going on because this behavior was not his every day behavior - not this intense. I then remembered he hadn't eaten lunch, only snacks at summer camp. I forgot to grab his lunch. In the rush of piano camp and getting the kids to their appointment I forgot to grab his lunch. I have seen this behavior to this extreme when he is really hungry and knew that was the trigger. I still felt embarrassed and exhausted but also so stupid that I forgot the one thing that could help him. I didn't even have a snack in my purse.

I have also been so incredibly forgetful lately. Even worse than before. My mom texted me the other day and asked what year we got married. I honestly couldn't remember. I thought about it for at least a minute and it was like my mind was just blank. I had nothing. I had to do the math to find out it was 2004. That scared me quite a bit. I also misplace my phone several times a day, I have numerous alarms set on my phone, today I showed up at the Whitney's house at the wrong time to pick up Melanie for piano camp and I feel like there is this fog around my brain. I brought it up to my doctor a while back but didn't get any good direction. I worry it is early onset Alzheimer's Disease. My Grandpa Herzog had it so I am at risk. It could also be stress. It's a lot with the kids. I love them and don't want them to ever feel like they are a burden. The daily work is a lot and there isn't much time for recharging. I am probably just stretched too thin. Still a concern in the back of my mind though...