The difference a month makes...

It has been roughly a month since my last entry and already so much has changed. Our Nation, and many parts of the world, are experiencing a pandemic. The Corona Virus (COVID-19) has spread to the United States, including Arizona, and our county (Pinal). 1,413 people have tested positive in AZ so far and 29 people have died from the virus. It is very contagious and the elderly, as well as those with underlying health conditions, are at higher risk. Arizona Governor Doug Ducey has issued this order:

Under the Executive Order, Arizonans shall limit their time away from their place of residence or property, except:

• To conduct or participate in essential activities, and/or;
• For employment, to volunteer or participate in essential functions; or
• To utilize any services or products provided by essential business services;
• And for employment if as a sole proprietor or family owned business, work is conducted in a separate office space from your home and the business is not open to serve the public.

Schools are also closed for the remainder of the school year. Restaurants can only provide take out or delivery options. Church has moved to home-church and temples are closed. General Conference will not be held in the Conference Center this coming weekend. Only those speaking will attend (music has been pre-recorded). T-ball and baseball were cancelled for Eleanor and Josh. Karate was cancelled. The boys take piano lessons and meet with their teachers from school via Zoom. Eleanor picks up her preschool folder with worksheets and activities in it on Tuesdays from her teacher's front porch after dropping it off with completed work on Mondays. 

We have never experienced anything like this. Suddenly all five kids are home all day, every day. I am embracing "home schooling" (I'm using quotations because this probably doesn't look like the full homeschool experience kids have who homeschool regularly - we have suggested assignments from the boys' school but nothing mandated yet.) But we follow this daily schedule and it helps our day flow pretty well for the most part. 

The older kids are also expected to complete their daily checklists (dressed, teeth brushed, read, practice piano for the boys, jobs, patch for Eleanor) before they can have Disney+ time during quiet time, which motivates them. 

The daily bike ride helps. We have been riding up to the school (Butterfield) to get lunch (a sack lunch provided by people in masks with gloves on). I try to do fun things for creative time (today we made play dough). I think I'm doing okay but sometimes my patience wears thin. The days are long and exhausting. But we're getting used to our new normal and making it work. 

So many messes. Also, I'm exhausted.

I haven't written in a while - the holidays were a whirlwind of busyness and now the twins are in a stage that requires less sleep of me and I don't have a lot of energy or time to myself. But I have missed writing here, as it allows me to process my thoughts and feelings (which feelings result from my thoughts so they are very connected). I just took the boys to the bus and the other three kids will be awake soon (I'm surprised they aren't already). Wendel worked until 3am the night before last so he is catching up on a little sleep. Last night I went to bed as soon as I possibly could, after laying on the twins' floor with them to get them to sleep. That was about 10:10. I get up at 5:35 so that woul've been a little over 7 hours, but I was up six different times in the night. Twice with Zach, who woke up crying, so I laid next to him on his floor until he fell asleep, once with Josh who came into our room, so I walked him back to his bed, twice with Eleanor, who woke up once with a bad dream and once because she had to go to the bathroom, and a final time with Zach & Nathan, who were both crying together in their room, around 4:15 this morning. Eleanor was also in there with them, holding our kitten, Love. I had her go back to her room and I laid between the twins on the floor and fell asleep, missing my alarm. Luckily I woke up in time to get the boys to the bus, but we were a bit rushed. (We leave at 6:19 normally but left at 6:24 today.) My body is stiff from sleeping on the floor in the night. My head is foggy from the interrupted sleep. Overall, lately, (since coming back from San Antonio with Wendel a few weeks ago) I feel this weight on me. It kind of felt like a slap in the face going from feeling so carefree and rested to the twins switching to toddler beds right after we got home (they were climbing out of their cribs like monkeys so it had to be done but it is a difficult transition, especially x2). The older boys have strong dysregulated emotions, which they come by honestly with their diagnoses, but it is difficult all the same. They have struggled with this, as well as impulsiveness (which I think adds to the contention) for a long time but I am feeling the weight of it more lately. Maybe because I stopped therapy and journaling (for a time) and don't have much time for myself anymore with the twins' new schedule at night (they used to go to bed at 7:30 and now it's more like 9/9:30 on a good night. For a while it was 10:30/11, which was awful.). Maybe it is also because I am getting sick right now and that is so frustrating - because then it will go through my whole family and it takes so long to get back to full health. But my immune system is compromised because of the lack of sleep.

I don't want to give the impression that I don't value my role as a mother or don't appreciate this opportunity to raise and teach our children. There is so much I love and cherish about motherhood and our children. But I also need a place to vent a little, and this little spot is that place for me. And the reality is it is difficult. It is draining and exhausting. I sometimes feel like there are ropes tied around my body and someone is pulling on them, pulling me down toward the ground. There are so many demands and everyone needs me to be so many things for them. I want to do what I can but I feel the toll of it acutely. I look around our house and feel overwhelm. I clean up and it looks like this again. It is discouraging. I feel shameful about our house - how can it get to this point? The older kids do daily jobs and I do what I can but I can't keep up.

My view as I type. 

The twins are so busy and active - into everything. One mess after another. These are just from yesterday alone:

I was patching Eleanor's eye on the back porch, just outside of the kitchen, with the door open a little while this was happening. I had only been out there for about five minutes. I think they wanted to "cook" like Mom.

If you look closely, you can see water all over the kitchen floor. The twins love filling up cups of water and either accidentally or purposefully spilling them on the floor. I cycle through towels from the washer to the dryer to the kitchen floor and back to the washer again.

While I was getting ready for family scripture time and talking to the older kids about not fighting, the twins got on top of the cradenza in the front room and pulled the canvas photos off of the wall and the pictures off of cradenza.

And on that note, the twins are awake and the day has started. I do want to say that I do not regret our decision to have them. The promptings were so strong and our decision was intentional. I am glad they are here but man I am exhausted.

Bad day

Today was a difficult day. I feel really sad and overwhelmed but also so grateful. Zach got out of the front door twice today. The first time, he was awake before I came downstairs and was downstairs with Oliver watching a show. Wendel left for work and I went in to get Nathan out of his crib. When I went down with Nathan, I asked the kids where Zach was. No of them knew. I ran outside and found him up the street a few houses, on the sidewalk. I ran up there in my pjs and carried him home. Then later this morning, I was making a quinoa salad in the kitchen and the kids were playing. They were upstairs some of the time and between the living room and the front room. Nathan was in the kitchen with me (he likes to stay near me most of the time). I always keep the top lock locked on the front door but Oliver and Josh went through the front door to take out the trash and recycling and didn't lock it when they came back in. I was making food and wasn't thinking about it. I was busy with Nathan - he wanted to see what I was making. After a while, I checked on the kids and asked where Zach was. Nobody knew. I looked at the front door and saw the top lock was unlocked. My heart started racing. I had Josh and Norah look upstairs, and I did as well, after I couldn't see him up the street. I sent Oliver around the block to look for him, but before Oliver got back, I got Nathan and Norah in the Excursion to drive around looking for Zach, all the while praying for his safety. I left Josh in front of the house in case Zach came wandering back. (I didn't plan to drive very far.) As I slowly drove up our street, a police car slowly approached me. I rolled down my window and asked the officer if he had seen a toddler. He said his partner had him around the corner. I had tears in my eyes and my voice was shaky. He told me not to worry, that he was okay. I pulled up behind a car one street over. The woman had the back of her vehicle open and Zach was sitting there, with a blanket around him, next to her son. (I cringed as I realized he was naked and shoeless, other than his diaper because I undress them when they eat and I hadn't gotten him dressed for the day yet.) "I'm his mom," I said as I approached her and the other officer. "Thank you so much." The woman just looked at me with a look of "How could you not know you child was not in your house? What kind of mother are you?" She didn't say a word to me but turned around and walked away. I took Zach and held him to me, grateful he was safe. The officers said they would follow me home because they needed to see my license. I ran into the house to grab it and after recording the info, they asked if they could come inside to see the lock on the door and how he escaped. I showed them the top lock and the baby gate and said I always keep the top lock locked and explained what happened. The younger officer started walking through our home. He said he needed to see it and started walking upstairs without my permission. I knew they couldn't without a warrant but I also knew if I protested, it might make things worse and I wanted to be cooperative. I cringed at our messy house, the clutter everywhere. I was embarrassed about our house and the situation. How could I not know Zach was outside? Twice today? The senior officer was nice and understanding. I asked him if they were going to report it to CPS and told him I used to be an investigator. He didn't answer me directly at first but later said they have to and they're just doing their job. When the Jr officer came back downstairs, he opened the hall closet. The Sr officer told him to "stand down" and that I used to be an investigator and know the protocol. The jr officer asked me how I couldn't know Zach was gone for 15 minutes. I told him I thought he was with the other kids and that he plays well independently. He said that's a long time. I got the impression he doesn't have kids.

It's horrible being on this side of an investigation. I always imagined it would be. I have a different point of view now, being a mom of five busy, strong willed (and some mentally challenged) kids. My head hurts and I'm exhausted so I'm going to finish this tomorrow.

........................................

I feel like I was punched in the stomach when this happened on Friday and I'm still feeling the pain from it. I fasted today for gratitude that Zach is safe - that he wasn't hit by a car or kidnapped. I can't even let my mind go there because it is so horrifying to think about. Whether or not the report is substantiated, our boy is alive and here with us and nothing else matters in comparison to that.

2/27/20 Update: I still have not heard from CPS at this point and don't even think about them coming anymore. I am incredibly grateful.

I feel...

• Stressed
• Unorganized
• Like I have a physical weight bearing down on me.
• Messy
• Overwhelmed
• Sad
• Frustrated
• Sometimes discouraged
• Often judged
• Isolated in my specific mothering (in relation to those I associate with).
• Exhausted
• Blessed
• Strengthened
• Like this is a time of great learning and experience.
• Gratitude
• Love
• Often hope
• Faith

I came across this quote tonight while looking for recipe ideas on Pinterest. It was the first thing that popped up on my screen and it really resonated with me. Such a good reminder that being blessed and experiencing trails and disappointments are not mutually exclusive.

Tonight was a hard night, especially with Josh. Oliver was hard at this age (and still is but there has been growth in maturity for sure). Wendel reminded me of this the other day and it gives me a little hope. He had something tonight and when he came home and asked how bedtime went, I burst into tears. I am not the best version of myself lately. I am really struggling. As a perfectionist / overachiever, I am used to working extra hard and being able excel at my goals. I keep trying as a mother but fall short and it's so frustrating. 

Life Energy List for the Summer

1. What was life-giving?

Personal
Sabbath Practices - Come Follow Me, listening to a spiritual podcast while making dinner if possible
Journaling - Updating this blog on occasion helps me process.
Reading habits (scriptures, other) - Scripture reading was reduced but I still tried to fit in a little bit, even just a verse or two in the laundry room with the door closed really quickly. I made a little time in the evenings for a short period of time to read The Magnolia Story, which I borrowed from a friend. I enjoyed having a little reading time. I definitely had to cut out any TV time and couldn't multitask while reading (ie. folding clothes while watching a show).
Exercise - I kept this as a priority through the summer. It worked well that I could drop the boys off at summer camp at 8 and then go over to the church to exercise. I was always a bit late but some is better than none and it was a great way to start my day.

Relational
Family life at home - consistency and routines helped. Summer camp helped a lot because it kept us to a regular schedule.
Time with kids / 1:1 time? - Difficult to schedule 1:1 time but we went to the summer movie here in town weekly while Cindy watched the twins. That worked well and was nice time together.

Actionable
Daily checklists - this was both life-giving and life-draining. Really good for Oliver, more difficult for Josh and Norah.

Travel
What worked and didn't?


2. What was life-draining?

Personal



Relational



Actionable

I never want to forget...

Tonight I put the twins to bed and came downstairs. The other kids were in bed and Wendel was in with Josh, getting him to sleep. Nathan kept crying and jumping up and down in his crib so I finally went back up there and held him for a few minutes. I never want to forget the smile on his face, dimly lit by the bathroom light down the hall, and how he bounced up and down in my arms when I sang, "I am a Child of God." How he eagerly signed "more" after each verse, and then after "My Heavenly Father Loves Me" and finally "Silent Night." He finally lay in his crib with his bottle of water and let me put his blanket on him. I put Zach's on him as well. I never want to forget Zach's sweet voice as I left the room, saying, "Nigh nigh Mom." I am so blessed to have these two.

Picture taken in July 2019 in Grantsville, Utah (visiting my friend, Heidi Robinson)

P.S. Nathan just started crying and jumping in his crib again...which might not be the sweetest thing ever.

What parenting ADHD feels like

Parenting a child with ADHD often feels like:

• Isolation 
• Judgement
• Overwhelm
• Constant effort
• Mental fatigue
• Constantly learning
• Seeking to understand 
• Insanity (which by definition is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results - in this case, putting my heart and time and energy into understanding my sons and continuing to see them struggle with big emotions, negative self talk, impulsiveness, and focus). 
• Can't keep up
• Concern
• Exhaustion
• Misunderstood by many
• Sadness for my boys at times
• Falling asleep sitting up because I'm so drained
• Constantly pouring out my own canteen and sporadically filling it up a little bit
• Needing time to unwind, which is only when everyone is asleep - therefore I am always tired

It also feels like:

• A world of new discoveries with so many things to learn about.
• Appreciation for connection when it happens.
• A sacred, special parenting ("To sacrifice is to make something sacred." - M. Russell Ballard)
• I have a specific purpose to advocate for my children.
• It forces me to prioritize the most important things.
• It brings me closer to my Heavenly Father, as I pray often and rely on Him to give us guidance through this process.