Vulnerable thoughts

 I shared this in the Light and Learning: a positive space for parenting kids with extra challenges group I created and facilitate on Facebook. I wanted to share it here as well.

Vulnerable post.

I usually post uplifting and positive things here. I usually feel positive about parenting high needs kids for the most part. I am able to keep an eternal perspective and know our children are ours intentionally. I am able to see the good each day, even if it's just a little bit, and express gratitude for it. But I'm also human and have human emotions of anger, frustration and sadness sometimes. Last night it hit me hard. It felt like a culmination of years of stress, heartache, emotion coaching, naming feelings, managing sibling conflicts 20 times a day, de-escalating high emotions in numerous children numerous times a day, researching, praying, being patient, exhaustion, frustration, jumping through mental health hoops, judgement, misunderstandings, apologizing for my children, heartache for my children, feelings of isolation (to some degree), trying to keep my own mental health in check, 504 meetings, trials and errors with meds and the awful side effects that resulted, embarrassment for their impulsiveness, therapy appointments, doctor appointments, evaluations, persuading children to take supplements, hurtful comments (although I have come a long way with letting that stuff go), pushback from my inflexible child (every day, almost constantly), anxious children, talking through fears, regressions, waking up in the night with them, working through their anger, more appointments with specialists, the never-ending to-do lists, feelings of guilt for things I want to do but haven't implemented and for not being able to keep up with things, trying to help each child feel loved but being stretched so thin, trying to juggle so many balls and so much more and then more on top of that and it felt like more than I could really handle well. The amygdala part of my brain took over and I just really needed to get it all out. I am a big fan of journaling and exercise but last night I took a drive by myself after the kids were in bed (and my husband was home with them) and screamed out loud, several times, and cried (and prayed) for a long time. My throat hurt after. Part of me hesitates to share this because I feel like I wasn't strong or that I should be able to keep going with a positive attitude and trust that it will all be okay. I'm sharing such a personal experience because I want you to know you're not alone if you feel this way. We carry a lot on our shoulders as moms of high needs kids. There are many demands and it's a lot. If you feel overwhelmed, you're not alone. It's okay to let it out sometimes.

Today I still feel a little sad and overwhelmed but I also can see the sun coming up again a little bit. I found several things to be grateful for and really appreciate them. My inflexible child was actually compliant more than once today, another child is showing a lot of responsibility and maturity, another child is thriving at school, two children gave me big hugs and told me they love me.

A quote that resonates with me tonight:

"If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived." - Jeffrey R. Holland

If you can relate at all, hang in there friends. It's okay to have hard days. Tomorrow is a fresh start.

15Emily Yeckley Hamblin, Nicole Haley and 13 others

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