I feel stuck and I don't like it. The overwhelm, the paralyzing perfectionism, the anxiety. I can't ever seem to get on top of my house and I feel shame about it. I feel embarrassed to invite people to our home, even kids for playdates, so I often don't. I had some kids over for a playdate last month, after their mom had invited our kids to her house the week prior. I was a little nervous but the kids' home is pretty cluttered and not very tidy so I thought they wouldn't be too judgmental. The oldest kid said these things while at our house: "I'm pretty sure this house was cleaner last time." "This house is a wreck!" Kids. They are so dang honest. Several months ago, the boys' friend, Jimmy Hoeh, was supposed to come over to our house after school with his sister while his parents had other obligations. They didn't come home with the boys so I texted his mom and she said they went with their grandma instead. When I asked Oliver about it, he said he and Jimmy had some contention and Jimmy yelled at him, "I don't want to come over! Your house is too trashy!" (He hasn't been to our house since, though we have invited him, but the boys go to his house often. His family is moving to CO soon.) We met Oliver's new friend, Kaden, at the park the other day with his mom and sister. His mom suggested we could meet at one of our houses next time, as it might be easier with the twins. I told her to be honest, it's difficult for me to have people over because it's difficult to keep up with our house. She said she hopes we can be the kind of friends who don't have to clean for each other. She said she doesn't like clutter in her house either but everyone's house gets a little messy. This is not a little messy. It's a whole other thing that I don't think a lot of people I know can relate to. I was talking to my SIL, Meagan, the other day about it. She said she was having the YW over to swim and had been gardening that day. She said she didn't have time to put away the gardening tools and mulch, etc and had to shove it behind something in her backyard. She said she was a little embarrassed but moved on because that's just how it is. Again, I feel like it's a whole other level that people just don't get. We have so many weeds and things in our backyard...I know comparison is the their of joy. It's more a matter of how it affects my and my family's mental health and the social aspect as well.
How do I get out of this overwhelm? The perfectionism tells me I have to have all of the kids out of the house so I can tackle it. It tells me to wait until the twins are in Kindergarten because what's the point right now anyway? It tells me it's all or nothing and I definitely can't do it all so it ends up being nothing. That kind of thinking is paralyzing. I try to power through, to give myself pep talks and make lists, hold myself accountable with an accountability partner. I get a few minutes in and kids need me. There are many demands and it's all very overwhelming. Sarah Chaston comes over on Mondays to help me but she has her kids and I have mine. We get some stuff done and it's helpful but also not a huge improvement overall. I still feel the overwhelm so strongly.
I feel like it's all on me. I have to figure out how to get out of this. Oliver is helping more lately and I appreciate it. I think he's realizing that he just feels better in a clean environment.
Some of my ideas:
- Have kids set out backpacks, water bottles and snack the night before.
- Me: set out clothes the night before.
- Set timer for 1 hour every day to clean. Prioritize!
- Daily cleaning focus.
- Watch Unburdened (purchased class about minimizing) an follow lessons
- Put my phone in the same place every time (I misplace it all the time)
- Clean It Challenge with Kendra Hennessey. I don't think this was a coincidence at all. I had a meeting at the church this evening and pulled up a podcast to listen to on the way. Usually I listen to spiritual podcasts on Sundays and I rarely ever listen to Kendra's podcast but for some reason the title caught my eye. She talked about this challenge she's starting tomorrow. It looks like something I could use. I consider it a tender mercy.
