Learning from The Spirit

 I just wanted to share a quick experience I had the other day. I went to a scheduled ministering visit with a less active sister in our ward. She has eight children and was coming to church alone with seven of them (pregnant with the eight) while her husband was away at basic training. We haven't seen her at church in a long time so as a Relief Society Presidency member, I was asked to check in with her. She opened up to me a little bit and told me her husband is going through a faith crisis and that as she has looked into some of the things he has concerns about, she has concerns as well. She said she isn't coming to church until she makes more sense of the things she's been reading. She said she did think about coming alone but doesn't want to take the kids and isn't even sure about coming by herself. Standing there on her front porch, I felt prompted to say the following, "Rather than worrying about what this thing online says or what this person from church says, make it a matter of prayer. Make it about your relationship with Heavenly Father, personal revelation and what The Spirit teaches you about it." I told her about a talk I heard in General Conference a while back and the speaker (I don't recall who) encouraged us to doubt our doubts before we doubt our faith. I felt the Spirit as I said these things to her and hope she did as well. One thing I wish I had said that I will take as a learning experience for the next time I'm in this situation is that there is no shame in questioning. 

Recent struggles and my diagnosis

 Things feel difficult and overwhelming. There is a lot to learn if I stop and look for it. A few things to note lately:

• Eleanor is having a difficult time lately. She seems very unhappy. She is upset most of the time, pushes back on almost everything, and I think she has anxiety and ADHD. I know 1:1 time would help but struggle to find the time with four other kids. I should probably seek official diagnoses for her and make 1:1 time a priority. Right now our relationship is not great and I don't like that.
• I was diagnosed with ADHD last week. It is such a relief knowing this as so many things in my life make sense now.
• Today was a really rough day on the home front. Big emotions from most in our family and Wendel seemed extra stressed. Sundays are so hard. I think it's Satan's doing and I really don't like it. There is so much opposition on this day. We have felt this way for years, since Oliver was really little.
• I feel so incredibly overwhelmed. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm mostly okay but our house stresses me out. I know I need to declutter and get rid of so . much . stuff but that takes time and I feel like I don't have it. I need to prioritize it but struggle with the motivation. 
• I am incredibly blessed, despite these difficulties. For that, I am grateful.

Vulnerable thoughts

 I shared this in the Light and Learning: a positive space for parenting kids with extra challenges group I created and facilitate on Facebook. I wanted to share it here as well.

Vulnerable post.

I usually post uplifting and positive things here. I usually feel positive about parenting high needs kids for the most part. I am able to keep an eternal perspective and know our children are ours intentionally. I am able to see the good each day, even if it's just a little bit, and express gratitude for it. But I'm also human and have human emotions of anger, frustration and sadness sometimes. Last night it hit me hard. It felt like a culmination of years of stress, heartache, emotion coaching, naming feelings, managing sibling conflicts 20 times a day, de-escalating high emotions in numerous children numerous times a day, researching, praying, being patient, exhaustion, frustration, jumping through mental health hoops, judgement, misunderstandings, apologizing for my children, heartache for my children, feelings of isolation (to some degree), trying to keep my own mental health in check, 504 meetings, trials and errors with meds and the awful side effects that resulted, embarrassment for their impulsiveness, therapy appointments, doctor appointments, evaluations, persuading children to take supplements, hurtful comments (although I have come a long way with letting that stuff go), pushback from my inflexible child (every day, almost constantly), anxious children, talking through fears, regressions, waking up in the night with them, working through their anger, more appointments with specialists, the never-ending to-do lists, feelings of guilt for things I want to do but haven't implemented and for not being able to keep up with things, trying to help each child feel loved but being stretched so thin, trying to juggle so many balls and so much more and then more on top of that and it felt like more than I could really handle well. The amygdala part of my brain took over and I just really needed to get it all out. I am a big fan of journaling and exercise but last night I took a drive by myself after the kids were in bed (and my husband was home with them) and screamed out loud, several times, and cried (and prayed) for a long time. My throat hurt after. Part of me hesitates to share this because I feel like I wasn't strong or that I should be able to keep going with a positive attitude and trust that it will all be okay. I'm sharing such a personal experience because I want you to know you're not alone if you feel this way. We carry a lot on our shoulders as moms of high needs kids. There are many demands and it's a lot. If you feel overwhelmed, you're not alone. It's okay to let it out sometimes.

Today I still feel a little sad and overwhelmed but I also can see the sun coming up again a little bit. I found several things to be grateful for and really appreciate them. My inflexible child was actually compliant more than once today, another child is showing a lot of responsibility and maturity, another child is thriving at school, two children gave me big hugs and told me they love me.

A quote that resonates with me tonight:

"If for a while the harder you try, the harder it gets, take heart. So it has been with the best people who ever lived." - Jeffrey R. Holland

If you can relate at all, hang in there friends. It's okay to have hard days. Tomorrow is a fresh start.

15Emily Yeckley Hamblin, Nicole Haley and 13 others

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Embarrassing Dr visit and my scattered brain

 Today was exhausting. I took Josh and Eleanor to the dr office for a well check. They were running around in the waiting room, kicking each other, pushing, playing tag, complaining and would not sit in a chair while I was dealing with an insurance issue at the front desk and on the phone. Eleanor at one point was walking on the chairs. Josh did say, "Yes Mom" a few times but would get sucked in by her teasing and they would tease each other and run around the waiting room, being loud and disruptive. I talked with them several times, tried to get to the root of what was going on with Eleanor and then moved on to the threat of consequences (loss of privileges), which came to fruition. Even one of the office staff came over to talk with them and they still continued after she left, though not as intensely. I will admit I was embarrassed that they wouldn't listen to me and were so disruptive. 

In the dr office room, Eleanor actually did pretty well (other than crawling on the floor under the chairs at one point) but Josh came unglued. He pulled open the drawers and pulled supplies out, tossing them on the ground. He poked a hole in one bag-type thing and then dropped it. I tried holding him on my lap but it didn't work for long. He tried pushing Eleanor off of the exam table because the doctor started asking Josh questions about his portion (but wasn't ready to exam him yet) and he thought he needed to be on the exam table if she was asking him questions. He was contrary to almost everything. He picked up the blood pressure tool on the wall and I had to take it from his hands. He turned on the sink water numerous times, after the I told him not to, as well as the doctor. I was wondering what on earth was going on because this behavior was not his every day behavior - not this intense. I then remembered he hadn't eaten lunch, only snacks at summer camp. I forgot to grab his lunch. In the rush of piano camp and getting the kids to their appointment I forgot to grab his lunch. I have seen this behavior to this extreme when he is really hungry and knew that was the trigger. I still felt embarrassed and exhausted but also so stupid that I forgot the one thing that could help him. I didn't even have a snack in my purse.

I have also been so incredibly forgetful lately. Even worse than before. My mom texted me the other day and asked what year we got married. I honestly couldn't remember. I thought about it for at least a minute and it was like my mind was just blank. I had nothing. I had to do the math to find out it was 2004. That scared me quite a bit. I also misplace my phone several times a day, I have numerous alarms set on my phone, today I showed up at the Whitney's house at the wrong time to pick up Melanie for piano camp and I feel like there is this fog around my brain. I brought it up to my doctor a while back but didn't get any good direction. I worry it is early onset Alzheimer's Disease. My Grandpa Herzog had it so I am at risk. It could also be stress. It's a lot with the kids. I love them and don't want them to ever feel like they are a burden. The daily work is a lot and there isn't much time for recharging. I am probably just stretched too thin. Still a concern in the back of my mind though...

Shame

 I went to Halley's house this morning so we could hang out with Mikaela, whom we minister to. I love them both but always feel a little stressed when I bring my kids to play dates like this. Mostly the twins. I prepped them in advance that saying bad words would earn them sitting in the car with me. At one point Nathan threw a bin of legos in frustration. When I asked him to clean it up he yelled, "No! Shut up!" Halley audibly gasped. Both of them looked at me as I picked him up and took him out to the car. We sat there for about ten minutes. We eventually talked about why he was in time out and he said sorry. He apologized to Halley and she forgave him. Later Zach was talking very loudly and Halley commented, "Wow, you must really want to be heard." I feel like so often our kids don't meet her / others' expectations and then I feel shame. But then I remember that they don't understand that some of our kids struggle with impulse control and how the ADHD brain works (there isn't that "pause" that other kids are fortunate to have that allows them to evaluate if something is a good idea or not). Halley is my friend and I love her but even those who fall in this category often don't get it and I feel a bit judged. Trying not to let it affect me. Trying to have hope that the boys won't be like this in preschool and get kicked out...and hope that they will make it to preschool with potty training. I've got two months to wrap that up. Wish me luck.

Some thoughts

 I feel stuck and I don't like it. The overwhelm, the paralyzing perfectionism, the anxiety. I can't ever seem to get on top of my house and I feel shame about it. I feel embarrassed to invite people to our home, even kids for playdates, so I often don't. I had some kids over for a playdate last month, after their mom had invited our kids to her house the week prior. I was a little nervous but the kids' home is pretty cluttered and not very tidy so I thought they wouldn't be too judgmental. The oldest kid said these things while at our house: "I'm pretty sure this house was cleaner last time." "This house is a wreck!" Kids. They are so dang honest. Several months ago, the boys' friend, Jimmy Hoeh, was supposed to come over to our house after school with his sister while his parents had other obligations. They didn't come home with the boys so I texted his mom and she said they went with their grandma instead. When I asked Oliver about it, he said he and Jimmy had some contention and Jimmy yelled at him, "I don't want to come over! Your house is too trashy!" (He hasn't been to our house since, though we have invited him, but the boys go to his house often. His family is moving to CO soon.) We met Oliver's new friend, Kaden, at the park the other day with his mom and sister. His mom suggested we could meet at one of our houses next time, as it might be easier with the twins. I told her to be honest, it's difficult for me to have people over because it's difficult to keep up with our house. She said she hopes we can be the kind of friends who don't have to clean for each other. She said she doesn't like clutter in her house either but everyone's house gets a little messy. This is not a little messy. It's a whole other thing that I don't think a lot of people I know can relate to. I was talking to my SIL, Meagan, the other day about it. She said she was having the YW over to swim and had been gardening that day. She said she didn't have time to put away the gardening tools and mulch, etc and had to shove it behind something in her backyard. She said she was a little embarrassed but moved on because that's just how it is. Again, I feel like it's a whole other level that people just don't get. We have so many weeds and things in our backyard...I know comparison is the their of joy. It's more a matter of how it affects my and my family's mental health and the social aspect as well.

How do I get out of this overwhelm? The perfectionism tells me I have to have all of the kids out of the house so I can tackle it. It tells me to wait until the twins are in Kindergarten because what's the point right now anyway? It tells me it's all or nothing and I definitely can't do it all so it ends up being nothing. That kind of thinking is paralyzing. I try to power through, to give myself pep talks and make lists, hold myself accountable with an accountability partner. I get a few minutes in and kids need me. There are many demands and it's all very overwhelming. Sarah Chaston comes over on Mondays to help me but she has her kids and I have mine. We get some stuff done and it's helpful but also not a huge improvement overall. I still feel the overwhelm so strongly.

I feel like it's all on me. I have to figure out how to get out of this. Oliver is helping more lately and I appreciate it. I think he's realizing that he just feels better in a clean environment. 

Some of my ideas:

• Have kids set out backpacks, water bottles and snack the night before.
• Me: set out clothes the night before.
• Set timer for 1 hour every day to clean. Prioritize! 
• Daily cleaning focus.
• Watch Unburdened (purchased class about minimizing) an follow lessons
• Put my phone in the same place every time (I misplace it all the time)
• Clean It Challenge with Kendra Hennessey. I don't think this was a coincidence at all. I had a meeting at the church this evening and pulled up a podcast to listen to on the way. Usually I listen to spiritual podcasts on Sundays and I rarely ever listen to Kendra's podcast but for some reason the title caught my eye. She talked about this challenge she's starting tomorrow. It looks like something I could use. I consider it a tender mercy. 

Here's to hoping some of these things will help.