I feel overwhelmed about our house. I walk into it and feel anxiety. There is clutter on every shelf, every surface, toys, shoes, clothes and trash on the floor. The kitchen floor is dirty and there is a laundry basket with overflowing clothes in the kitchen, outside of the laundry room because the boys broke the washing machine recently while playing hide and seek in it and the laundry is piling up. I feel like I am wading through sand or water, up to my waste, as I tell myself I can do this and begin on a task. I begin to load the dishwasher and get pulled away numerous times. The twins are fighting, Eleanor wants to get the paints out or wants me to read with her, Josh is upset and raging, Oliver wants to tell me something. All of these things are important and I want to give my attention to them. Then I go back to the dishwasher, only to be interrupted again. It's time to encourage the twins to go potty and they want me to be in the bathroom with them. Or it's their nap time and I need to change them and put the in the Excursion and give them their sippy cups. While they nap, I need to patch Eleanor. That is our special time before we pick up Josh and Oliver gets home from school. I may have started the dishwasher by this time but sometimes not. And that is one task of many. When I look around our house, it looks like nothing has been done. There are still dishes in the sink because with a family this big, there always are. The high counter has stuff piled on it. I clear it and it's back to looking like this within a few days. The play kitchen has so many clothes on it, they are falling off. The glass on the TV stand has dirty steaks on it and has for years but that can't be a priority right now. Not when we can't even walk to the couch without tripping on something. Last night after we read scriptures as a family, Wendel walked across the room to go upstairs and tripped over some train tracks and fell. He hurt his ankle and was pretty grumpy. Then there is bedtime, which takes until about 10-10:30 every night and last night Wendel was with Josh until about 11:30. I think I will get stuff done at night but by the time I do one small task and sit down to relax, it's almost midnight. The responsibilities are many with children who have so many needs, especially the mental and emotional ones, and things have been very difficult lately in that regard. I feel like I can't keep up, like I'm sinking in quicksand, trying to keep my head up to breathe and so much depends on me. My perfectionism tendencies also don't help. I get into an "all or nothing" mentality and then feel like I'm failing if I can't do it all (which I never can anymore). I feel frustrated, overwhelmed, I have had suicidal thoughts (not specific - only general), anxiety and possible depression. I know I need to minimize but that takes time. Even sorting through toys and books takes time I don't feel like I have. I will do a little but it doesn't seem like enough to make a difference.
Unintentional Model
Circumstance: I have many demands on me, including five children, three of whom have special needs of some kind and twin toddlers.
Thoughts: I can't keep up. I'm drowning. I feel shame about our house. I don't want to have anyone over. I don't want to be here. I'm embaressed when our kids' friends come over or when people come to the door. I feel like I should be able to handle this but I can't. Having company over requires about a week of prep time. If anyone drops by unexpectedly, I start feeling anxious.
Facts: There is clutter in our home and toys and clothes on the floor. Perfectionism is holding me back.
Actions: Give myself a pep talk and do what I can.
Results: A little bit gets done but I still feel very overwhelmed.
Intentional Model
Circumstance: I have many demands on me, including five children, three of whom have special needs of some kind and twin toddlers.
Thoughts: What if this is exactly how it is supposed to be right now? What if the experiences I'm having with difficulty keeping up and feeling overwhelmed will help me learn and grow and help others? What if this is the exact thing I need to help me understand that progress will serve me better than perfection?
Facts: There is clutter in our home and toys and clothes on the floor. Perfectionism is holding me back.
Actions: Make three house goals each day and check them off. Reward myself for completing them.
Results: Making progress is satisfying and will help me remain calm and centered.
