I have lots of thoughts and emotions today and lately and journaling helps me sort it all out. Wendel got a vasectomy today. It is something we gave a lot of thought to and we were prayerful about. It is a big decision that we didn't take lightly. A couple of months after the twins were born, we went to Wendel's vasectomy appointment together. I scheduled it. The doctor asked Wendel if he was 100% certain he did not want to have any more children and was okay with being sterile and Wendel said yes. He then asked me the same question. While my mouth said, "yes," tears welled up in my eyes and poured down my cheeks. I told him I was just emotional but okay with it. The doctor said he didn't feel comfortable proceeding and that we should talk it over more and reschedule. It was weird because I truly didn't think I wanted to have any more children. We certainly had our hands full. But it seemed so final. Such a big decision. I thought of people who struggled with fertility and how unfair it was that we were choosing to give up that opportunity that so easily came to us. I was still very emotional from the pregnancy hormones and wasn't ready to make that commitment yet. Wendel wasn't mad, just surprised. He said he would laugh if I got pregnant.
There have been a few times I thought I was pregnant since then. Once was while we were in New Orleans a year and a half ago. I had every pregnancy symptom - other than my period being late, and that was only because with my IUD, I rarely get periods anymore. (I'm not complaining about that.) I was so convinced I was pregnant, I used one morning of free time (while the guys were at the convention working) to walk several blocks to the nearest pharmacy and purchase some pregnancy tests. I hadn't even told Wendel because I didn't want to cause him any unnecessary stress. I was kind of surprised the test was negative. I tested the next day and it was negative as well. After a couple of more similar situations over the years, I learned that Peri-menopausal symptoms mimic pregnancy symptoms. (Why did no one ever tell me this?) Even though I'm 40 and I have an IUD, I still felt so nervous when I took those tests. I had a pit in my stomach, wondering how on earth I could possibly have another baby - go through pregnancy and labor again while taking care of five active, demanding children. Our kids need so much attention from me and I can't ever seem to give them enough or do a good enough job of dividing it equally among them, although it isn't for lack of trying. I love all of them immensely but often feel stretched so thin and feel so overwhelmed and exhausted that I don't have much left to give in the way I would like to.
Several months ago, I prayed about our family being complete and I felt the Spirit wash over me. I had a confirmation and felt peace about it. Still, as the time for Wendel's vasectomy grew closer, I continued to pray and fasted last Sunday, just to be sure that this was an okay decision to make for our family, in accordance with our Heavenly Father's desire and plan for our family. Again, I felt peace. Not a strong wash of peace like before, but peace to proceed. I spoke with my good friend, Amy Cooley, about it, and felt good after our conversation. She listened and was supportive and I needed that. Wendel and I also talked and felt this would be in the best interest of our family - best for our children and for us - taking into consideration mental and physical health, the demands placed on us, and our children's individual needs.
The only hesitation I had was that Eleanor will never have a sister. I have gone back and forth with this. Part of me loves that she is my only daughter. I love being able to tell her, "You're my favorite girl in the whole world!" I think it's good that she won't have a sister to compare herself to. I worried that with her eye, she might feel less than and I would never want that for her. But tonight my heart broke a little when she curled up on my lap in the family room a little bit before bedtime and started to cry, telling me she wants a sister. She has asked for a sister several times before and I have either brushed it off or told her she's only going to have brothers until they get married and then their wives will be her sisters. But tonight she told me how her brothers are mean to her and she just wants a sister to play with. I told her I understand but there won't be any more babies coming to our family. "But how do you know?" she asked. "Maybe Heavenly Father will send another baby to our family. You don't know!" I explained that moms and dads can choose not to have any more babies come to their family and that Dad and I made that choice. She looked into my eyes with tears welling up in hers and then laid her head against my chest. My heart definitely broke for her. I told her I would always be there for her and that she could call me anytime when she's older and we can do fun girl things together now. That brought on a whole other round of tears as she told me how she doesn't get 1:1 time with me anymore. (Our 1:1 time was stripped away with the stay-at-home order and I need to get it going again.)
The procedure was painful for Wendel and he's been sleeping since early this evening. I appreciate him taking a hit for the team. Here's to a new chapter. It's kind of exciting to think of entering the next phase - soon we will leave diapers behind us and someday we will sleep through the night, play family games together (with everyone), go camping (with everyone), etc. Lots to look forward to.
