I haven't written in a while - the holidays were a whirlwind of busyness and now the twins are in a stage that requires less sleep of me and I don't have a lot of energy or time to myself. But I have missed writing here, as it allows me to process my thoughts and feelings (which feelings result from my thoughts so they are very connected). I just took the boys to the bus and the other three kids will be awake soon (I'm surprised they aren't already). Wendel worked until 3am the night before last so he is catching up on a little sleep. Last night I went to bed as soon as I possibly could, after laying on the twins' floor with them to get them to sleep. That was about 10:10. I get up at 5:35 so that woul've been a little over 7 hours, but I was up six different times in the night. Twice with Zach, who woke up crying, so I laid next to him on his floor until he fell asleep, once with Josh who came into our room, so I walked him back to his bed, twice with Eleanor, who woke up once with a bad dream and once because she had to go to the bathroom, and a final time with Zach & Nathan, who were both crying together in their room, around 4:15 this morning. Eleanor was also in there with them, holding our kitten, Love. I had her go back to her room and I laid between the twins on the floor and fell asleep, missing my alarm. Luckily I woke up in time to get the boys to the bus, but we were a bit rushed. (We leave at 6:19 normally but left at 6:24 today.) My body is stiff from sleeping on the floor in the night. My head is foggy from the interrupted sleep. Overall, lately, (since coming back from San Antonio with Wendel a few weeks ago) I feel this weight on me. It kind of felt like a slap in the face going from feeling so carefree and rested to the twins switching to toddler beds right after we got home (they were climbing out of their cribs like monkeys so it had to be done but it is a difficult transition, especially x2). The older boys have strong dysregulated emotions, which they come by honestly with their diagnoses, but it is difficult all the same. They have struggled with this, as well as impulsiveness (which I think adds to the contention) for a long time but I am feeling the weight of it more lately. Maybe because I stopped therapy and journaling (for a time) and don't have much time for myself anymore with the twins' new schedule at night (they used to go to bed at 7:30 and now it's more like 9/9:30 on a good night. For a while it was 10:30/11, which was awful.). Maybe it is also because I am getting sick right now and that is so frustrating - because then it will go through my whole family and it takes so long to get back to full health. But my immune system is compromised because of the lack of sleep.
I don't want to give the impression that I don't value my role as a mother or don't appreciate this opportunity to raise and teach our children. There is so much I love and cherish about motherhood and our children. But I also need a place to vent a little, and this little spot is that place for me. And the reality is it is difficult. It is draining and exhausting. I sometimes feel like there are ropes tied around my body and someone is pulling on them, pulling me down toward the ground. There are so many demands and everyone needs me to be so many things for them. I want to do what I can but I feel the toll of it acutely. I look around our house and feel overwhelm. I clean up and it looks like this again. It is discouraging. I feel shameful about our house - how can it get to this point? The older kids do daily jobs and I do what I can but I can't keep up.
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| My view as I type. |
The twins are so busy and active - into everything. One mess after another. These are just from yesterday alone:
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| I was patching Eleanor's eye on the back porch, just outside of the kitchen, with the door open a little while this was happening. I had only been out there for about five minutes. I think they wanted to "cook" like Mom. |
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| If you look closely, you can see water all over the kitchen floor. The twins love filling up cups of water and either accidentally or purposefully spilling them on the floor. I cycle through towels from the washer to the dryer to the kitchen floor and back to the washer again. |
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While I was getting ready for family scripture time and talking to the older kids about not fighting, the twins got on top of the cradenza in the front room and pulled the canvas photos off of the wall and the pictures off of cradenza.
And on that note, the twins are awake and the day has started. I do want to say that I do not regret our decision to have them. The promptings were so strong and our decision was intentional. I am glad they are here but man I am exhausted.
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