Today was a difficult day. I feel really sad and overwhelmed but also so grateful. Zach got out of the front door twice today. The first time, he was awake before I came downstairs and was downstairs with Oliver watching a show. Wendel left for work and I went in to get Nathan out of his crib. When I went down with Nathan, I asked the kids where Zach was. No of them knew. I ran outside and found him up the street a few houses, on the sidewalk. I ran up there in my pjs and carried him home. Then later this morning, I was making a quinoa salad in the kitchen and the kids were playing. They were upstairs some of the time and between the living room and the front room. Nathan was in the kitchen with me (he likes to stay near me most of the time). I always keep the top lock locked on the front door but Oliver and Josh went through the front door to take out the trash and recycling and didn't lock it when they came back in. I was making food and wasn't thinking about it. I was busy with Nathan - he wanted to see what I was making. After a while, I checked on the kids and asked where Zach was. Nobody knew. I looked at the front door and saw the top lock was unlocked. My heart started racing. I had Josh and Norah look upstairs, and I did as well, after I couldn't see him up the street. I sent Oliver around the block to look for him, but before Oliver got back, I got Nathan and Norah in the Excursion to drive around looking for Zach, all the while praying for his safety. I left Josh in front of the house in case Zach came wandering back. (I didn't plan to drive very far.) As I slowly drove up our street, a police car slowly approached me. I rolled down my window and asked the officer if he had seen a toddler. He said his partner had him around the corner. I had tears in my eyes and my voice was shaky. He told me not to worry, that he was okay. I pulled up behind a car one street over. The woman had the back of her vehicle open and Zach was sitting there, with a blanket around him, next to her son. (I cringed as I realized he was naked and shoeless, other than his diaper because I undress them when they eat and I hadn't gotten him dressed for the day yet.) "I'm his mom," I said as I approached her and the other officer. "Thank you so much." The woman just looked at me with a look of "How could you not know you child was not in your house? What kind of mother are you?" She didn't say a word to me but turned around and walked away. I took Zach and held him to me, grateful he was safe. The officers said they would follow me home because they needed to see my license. I ran into the house to grab it and after recording the info, they asked if they could come inside to see the lock on the door and how he escaped. I showed them the top lock and the baby gate and said I always keep the top lock locked and explained what happened. The younger officer started walking through our home. He said he needed to see it and started walking upstairs without my permission. I knew they couldn't without a warrant but I also knew if I protested, it might make things worse and I wanted to be cooperative. I cringed at our messy house, the clutter everywhere. I was embarrassed about our house and the situation. How could I not know Zach was outside? Twice today? The senior officer was nice and understanding. I asked him if they were going to report it to CPS and told him I used to be an investigator. He didn't answer me directly at first but later said they have to and they're just doing their job. When the Jr officer came back downstairs, he opened the hall closet. The Sr officer told him to "stand down" and that I used to be an investigator and know the protocol. The jr officer asked me how I couldn't know Zach was gone for 15 minutes. I told him I thought he was with the other kids and that he plays well independently. He said that's a long time. I got the impression he doesn't have kids.
It's horrible being on this side of an investigation. I always imagined it would be. I have a different point of view now, being a mom of five busy, strong willed (and some mentally challenged) kids. My head hurts and I'm exhausted so I'm going to finish this tomorrow.
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I feel like I was punched in the stomach when this happened on Friday and I'm still feeling the pain from it. I fasted today for gratitude that Zach is safe - that he wasn't hit by a car or kidnapped. I can't even let my mind go there because it is so horrifying to think about. Whether or not the report is substantiated, our boy is alive and here with us and nothing else matters in comparison to that.
2/27/20 Update: I still have not heard from CPS at this point and don't even think about them coming anymore. I am incredibly grateful.
