I have been thinking about this lately. I feel like things have been more peaceful in our home the past few days in regards to our boys' challenges with emotion regulation and impulsivity. I'm noticing they are still having outbursts and acting impulsively but I'm not allowing myself to get drawn in emotionally. I am being very intentional about regulating my own emotions (one tip I read is to walk into the bathroom if you feel like you're getting angry and run your hands under warm water to reset), connecting with my kids, and allowing them to express themselves without dismissing their feelings. (For example, one of my sons was upset today because one of the twins messed up something he built. He was crying and said he wishes he was an only child and he hates having siblings. He has said this many times in the past and I have usually given him a quick response, basically saying we're part of a family for a reason and that he needs to act kindly. Today, I sat next to him and put my arm around him. I let him cry and express all of his thoughts, even when he was shaking in anger, yelling and sobbing about how unfair his life is. I didn't interrupt or downplay his feelings. When he was done I told him, "I understand what you're saying. You feel like you were more connected to Dad and me when we were able to focus all of our attention on you. You feel sad and a little jealous because our attention is divided in so many directions now. You feel frustrated when you siblings ruin things that are important to you. I understand how you would feel that way. That makes sense." I hugged him and told him I love him. I then told him I know Heavenly Father gives us families so we can learn and grow from each other and to help us become who He wants us to be, even though it can be hard sometimes. He calmed down and hugged me and I could tell he felt connected to me.) This also goes along with Dr. Tina Bryson's approach of "connect and then redirect." (I know these things but they do not come naturally so I have to re-learn them over and over - anyone else?) For a long time, I thought, "What can I do to help my boys change? To improve their behavior, to stop the explosions and contention?" And I am seeing clearly now that what really helps a lot is managing my own emotions (easier said than done, I know), connecting with them (even if it's only for 5-10 quality minutes / day) and really listening to them without dismissing their feelings. I am the one who needs to change. At least, that's what is working right now and I'm grateful so I wanted to share.
