Regret

Tonight was probably the worst night of our married life. We went out to dinner to celebrate Wendel's birthday (late) and fought before, during, and after. It ended badly. I have a headache and I'm exhausted. I've been listening to Allie Casazza's course, Your Uncluttered Home, for the past few hours. It is one of the things we fought about but in the end, I ended up purchasing it (not cheap) because I feel like I'm at a place where I'm stuck with our home. Nothing I do makes a difference and I cannot get on top of it. I hate living in clutter and chaos all of the time. It's overwhelming, frustrating, exhausting, restricting, discouraging, and I don't like the feelings it produces in our home. Something has to change. Wendel isn't convinced this is the thing that will help. I am hopeful it is. This isn't the only thing we fought about though. There were lots of things - things we didn't realize were bothering us until we said (or rather, shouted) them out loud. Near the end of our argument, as we were turning into our neighborhood, I was so upset, frustrated, and discouraged, I threw his phone on the dashboard and shouted, "I wish I hadn't married you!" I think I was just as shocked as he was to hear those words. Because they aren't true. Life is hard and overwhelming but I have always been able to stay positive and hopeful. Tonight I didn't feel either of those things. I felt fear and despair. Heartache and anger. My words were a knee-jerk reaction to the hurt I was feeling. I tried to explain this but I know if he said those words to me, I would not be able to forget them. We both cried and then I suggested we pray. I prayed out loud while we held hands and then he went into the house and I took the babysitter home. We haven't spoken since. We both need sleep and time. We both said incredibly hurtful things that make my stomach turn. I want to go to marriage therapy but he does not. I don't know where to go from here but I know I need sleep right now. I just needed to write and process a bit first.