I have stepped into my laundry room (with my laptop on the washing machine) to quickly type this post because the twins are at a very clingy age where if they see me, they cry and want to be held, but if I'm not in the room, they're fine. They are teething so I think that contributes. I only have a little bit of time before going to get Eleanor from preschool so I will be brief.
Yesterday evening Wendel's mom came over to bring the kids a play garbage truck she found at Goodwill (their obsession). It was around 5:45 / 6:00 when she got here. This is a rough time of day for the kids. The boys are done mentally from being at school all day. They have very little control of their emotions at this point. Eleanor is done because she doesn't nap anymore and she is so tired by this point. The twins as well. Josh was having an especially hard day. Oliver was teasing him a little and Josh went ballistic. He was screaming as loudly as he could, kicking things around the house, would not calm down, etc. He had been in his room for time out and just got out right before Linda came over. The boys started fighting (verbally) and it got pretty intense. I firmly told them they needed to stop and they would have a consequence. It continued. I asked Oliver to go into the other room. He would not. I only used words at this point to redirect. Linda seemed shocked at their behavior and said to me, "You really need to be harder on these kids." That, of course, made me feel terrible, like their behavior is my fault. "If I were the mother in this situation, I would grab Josh by the arm and make him sit in time out." I told her he was just in time out before she came and that when he is this upset, he will not stay in time out. He will be aggressive an spiral out of control. I told her we've tried everything - I have even spanked them in the past and it does not work at all (though only a few times and I don't agree with that method of disciplining). She then continued to say, "I'm glad I don't have to deal with this stuff anymore. I'm glad that's in the past for me." Again, not helpful. Josh continued to get more worked up and angry so I asked him if he wanted to walk to his room or if he wanted me to carry him. He yelled that he wouldn't go so I picked him up and carry him, with him hitting me as I walked. I could feel the judgement as I walked away with him. I struggled to make it to his room because he was using his whole body weight to thrash against me and was screaming as loudly as he could. I got us both into his bedroom and sat on the floor with my back against his door so he couldn't open it. This made him more angry. He punched me in the shoulder and rammed his body against mine. I knew he was using the reptile part of his brain and could not be reasoned with. I continued to talk in a calm voice and told him that he was welcome to come out of his room when his voice was calm like mine. I did not get sucked into a power struggle. I did not yell or use aggression. I tried hugging him a few times or holding him tightly but he wouldn't have it. After about 10 minutes or so of him trying to fight against me and get free, he laid on the ground and sobbed in defeat. I gave him a couple of minutes to do that and then tried to change his mindset. I said, "Hey Josh, do you know the actions to 'Once There was a Snowman'? Do you want to sing that one with me or a different song?" He said, "That one." So we both stood up and did the actions together while we sang. We ended up on the floor, laughing at the silliness. Then I asked him if I could give him a hug and he said yes. Then he laid his head on my lap and I tickled his back for a minute. At this point, I talked with him about his behavior (*Connect and redirect* - something I learned from the book "The Whole Brain Child.") and that it's okay to be angry but it isn't okay to scream at people, hit, or kick things around the room. He said he was sorry and that he did it because Oliver was teasing him. We talked about what he could do instead. I then had him go downstairs and apologize to Linda and Oliver. A few minutes later, Josh was angry about something else and raised his voice again. Linda said to him, "Josh, you're being a very naughty boy. Very, very naughty." I knew this wouldn't go over well. Josh yelled, "WELL, I DON'T CARE IF I'M NAUGHTY!!!" "Well, you should care." "WELL, I DON'T!" "Well, Heavenly Father cares." "WELL, I DON'T!" I didn't appreciate that she called him naughty or that she tried to guilt him into changing his behavior because I know these things don't work. But I also know that it takes time to learn these lessons and I am in the thick of it every day and that people just don't understand so I can't hold that against them. And yet it is still hurtful and challenging. And I feel judged all the time. By so many people. And that's really challenging.
We had the intake with the therapist in our home last Wednesday and should be getting a call from the Behavior Coach any day to get that going. Wendel is going out of town for work for a month on Sunday and I'm nervous about that but hopeful that we'll make it okay and I won't lose it. Some women from the ward are going to help me in the evenings, which I am very grateful for.
Gotta run to get Norah now.
