Looking Up

We have seen some progress with Oliver lately. He is a little more mature, not quite as impulsive (though definitely still somewhat), doesn't blame as often, is more quick to apologize, etc. We started him on medication, Guanfacine, about a month ago. It wasn't an easy decision to make. This is the most mild option with the least amount of side effects. The medication was designed as a blood pressure medication but has a side effect of being calming. I have to say I felt peace about going forward with it when I prayed about it or we wouldn't have. Still, I feel bad when I see how tired he was as he was adjusting to it and how his stomach and head hurts sometimes. But I'm seeing an improvement in his behavior overall (There are still some really intense, rough times, but he seems to recover faster and apologizes more sincerely after: "Mom, I'm really sorry. It wasn't your fault at all. I just lost control of my emotions." - mouth dropping open..). Overall, I'm feeling pretty good about going into summer in a week (which has not been the case in years past). Things are looking up.

Feeling helpless

Last night I couldn't fall asleep. I didn't go to bed until about 1:00 am and then tossed and turned, unable to stop thinking about Oliver.

Finding joy along the way

It's almost midnight and I have a cough that won't go away so I need to get to bed. I stayed up late, alone, to watch a movie and have some "me" time, which is such a luxury. I probably should have gone to bed early instead.

I just wanted to express how hard it is to have 1:1 time with our children when there are five of them. I could do it with three but now it's so much more difficult. I got a little 1:1 time with Nathan last night because he was up late due to napping late. I played with him and made him laugh and it was so fun. He let me rock him to sleep (not usual but he has an ear infection) and I just savored that time with him. I picked Oliver up from the bus while Taylor was here with the other kids and quickly ran him through a drive thru for ice cream and chatted with him about school on the way. I patched Eleanor's eye and chatted with her about Butterfly Wonderland (which we visited yesterday with Josh's preschool class fieldtrip) and then spun her in circles and tickled her. I made Josh laugh tonight and told him that he's my "garbage hero" when he emptied all of the garbage cans in the house today. I gave the babies lots of kisses and hugs and sang them personalized songs throughout the day. I'm trying to connect with each of them, and with Wendel, and keep everyone organized and keep up with the house, etc. It's a lot, for sure. When I think of how crazy it is and how hard it is to keep up, when I see moms with two kids (by choice) look at me like I'm crazy for having five (that happened twice this week - two different mom friends of mine), when I feel like I'm drowning or I doubt myself or wonder if I'm failing them and how we'll make it, I think about the strong promptings I had about the babies. That our family wasn't complete. And how perfectly they have completed our family. It is hard, yes. It is messy and not graceful. But we are doing it. And there's a lot of joy along the way.